Sometimes I can’t help the feeling that the terms “men” and “excuses” are synonyms. Please – don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that women never use awkward excuses, but looking at the excuses I heard lately from men, I openly admit, without the slightest form of envy, guys have definitely much more talent for them!

Just to make it clear – I’m not talking about the small little harmless excuses… nothing like “The bus was late, so that’s why I got home 5 hours late”, while the smell of booze makes you think that the public transport system has introduced a new customer service and is now giving out free drinks when there are service interruptions. NO, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the real big fat excuses that come pretty near to real lies and that can take away the breath of anyone considering taking them seriously.

Certainly, such excuses may vary depending on the country and the season you are actually in. Why? You will see.

Well, once there was this girl who had a “nice” friend in Houston/Texas. It goes without saying that this friend was male. At the beginning, he would have rather cut his right arm than not sending her emails or having sweet phone calls with her. Then, all of a sudden all kind of communication stopped for a week. She got quite worried about him and also kind of upset as she thought this was the typical way for a guy to get himself out of something that had even not yet started. However, complete silence is never a real option for a guy. And so – after a while he told her that he got food poisoned after having had chicken at KFC. Hmm… let’s be serious – we all guess he rather meant a “chick”…

Well, from this point on they had no more sweet chats on the phone … and I’m very certain, that he had not changed his mind because of fast food, but rather fast love.

But how comes that guys use such “big” excuses to end a relationship/friendship? Don’t they trust women or do they simply not trust themselves?

One of my favourite excuses is the “snow-excuse”. Definitely not useful anywhere south of the equator – so guys – use it with care!

There was a guy – one who thought it was funny to cut a girl’s heart into pieces and after the damage was done he disappeared into silence. However, 5 months later he found something rare – a guilty conscience and so he wanted to say sorry. Around Christmas (well – when else?) he asked for forgiveness. Well, she was far away from granting some sort of general amnesty, but she was prepared to meet him a week later for a “reconciliation drink”. The guy promised to call her again for a more detailed definition of date, time and location. Yes of course, she should have known that trusting him is a dead end – but as women always have some sort of hope – she started to bet with herself if he would call or not. Of course the more wise side of her won – the telephone kept being silent. Well, for any other lady it would have been a reason to kick herself in the arse. But an experienced woman like her couldn’t be disturbed by that no more, therefore she didn’t take it too seriously and forgot the whole story soon.

So you think this was the end of the story? Think again – 1 1/2 months later she got an email that made her seriously ask herself if he wanted to offend her intelligence or if he just wanted to make clear that he didn’t have any at all. The excuse why he didn’t call her around Christmas was plain and simple – it snowed. Well, just to clarify – NO – she didn’t live in Alaska and even though there was snow in the area she lived in at that time, both of them did live in the same big city with mobile phones and landlines and computers and even more possibilities of communication. So I doubt that he had to fight against walls of snow just to get in touch with her.

Well, unfortunately when she got his email it was too sunny and because of the reflection on the screen of her computer she was not able to reply to his email.

The top position of my “charts of excuses” holds one I like to call the “homeopathic excuse”. Once there was a lady who happened to meet a fella and they got connected quite well. They exchanged emails and later on mobile numbers. All started well, the guy sent emails and text messages, so the lady replied happily. One day he stopped to text and only sent emails. The lady didn’t make a big deal out of it, but kept on sending text messages. Some days later she received an email with the following content…she shouldn’t send any further messages to his mobile as his homeopathic doctor had strictly forbidden to use his mobile! Well of course as up-to-date women we have heard of radiation of mobile phones – but come-on! We all know that the first name of his homeopathic doc was surely a female one!

Guys – we know that you don’t always want to and often simply can’t tell us the truth. But please – trust me, how painful the truth could be – every lady prefers to have a short fright of truth rather than one of plain stupidity!

Check out more funny (and true!) stories about men and women here:

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• Why topic no one is not always a first option…

• Why some men appear to have the energy level of a stone…

• Why you should never have an argument with a man in the deepest forest…