This is how to line up your knuckles when you swing a baseball bat; this is how to shave without cutting your upper lip; this is how you change the oil filter in your car without burning your fingers; when you shoot a rifle, always make sure that the butt of the gun is tucked in close to your shoulder so you don’t bruise; when you’re cutting a piece of wood hold the saw at an upward angle so that it doesn’t bind; when you’re old enough to drink a beer, make sure to sip it and never guzzle it rapidly; always remember that Arturo Fuentes are the best legal brand of cigars; you don’t have to know how to cook, but you must be able to grill.

To throw a good punch, keep your wrist in a straight line with the rest of your arm and use your legs to propel you forward; watch at least six hours of football every Sunday; always act like you’ve won any fight you get into, even if you’re bleeding more than the asshole you just fought; get a tattoo of a scorpions or an M-16 on your upper arm, but don’t grimace when the needle touches your skin; listen only to Poison and Motley Crüe on the radio, never Frank Sinatra or Louis Armstrong; always carry one ribbed condom in your wallet, just in case.

Never talk to girls who have pierced tongues, eyebrows, or bellybuttons; learn how to cook, you can’t live off ramen noodles when you’re twenty years old; are you really going to be an English major? Architects make far more money than writers; always treat every girl you meet like your mother unless she has a body piercing; boys who don’t spend time with their families end up in street gangs or selling their bodies for drugs; always wear clean underwear; never forget who brought you into this world; gentlemen never cuss, spit, or drink alcohol; the backseat of a car was never meant to double as a bedroom.

Never fall in love with a girl taller than you; don’t write poetry; try to answer questions with the words “yes” and “no” as often as possible; never where tie-dyed clothing; never where jewelry, not even a wedding band; men are never allowed to possess pictures of other men, unless they are of John Wayne or Charlton Heston; always wear a baseball cap in public, even if you hate baseball; beer is a food; join the army after you are finished with high school, don’t go to college, and don’t join the Air Force.

Buy a black suit and where it whenever you can; learn how to tie a Windsor knot; read Pablo Neruda and John Donne, but don’t worry about understanding them; warped vinyl records from the ’70s still sound better than MP3s; never call a man on the phone if you wish to speak for hours, only if you want to go bowling or play billiards, only then can you engage a man in conversation; learn how to play an instrument, one with strings; learn how to salsa or tango; kiss girls often, but only if you know how.