Public Washroom Etiquette for Men

If it were up to me, no one would ever go to the bathroom outside of their own home.  It’s not that I’m squeamish about the act, but frankly, people are gross.  Not every single person, but as a whole, people are gross.  First things first:

Urinals

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Because of the huge number of urinal related rules there’s a good chance I might miss one, so be sure to let me know if I leave anything out. 

Urinal use adheres by standard buffer rules.  Buffer rules dictate that if there is a guy in the spot immediately next to you, you’re far too close. 

• If there are two urinals and one is already in use, use the stall. 
• If there are three urinals with none in use, do not start in the middle.  This requires the next user to use the stall, which is frustrating if unnecessary.
• If there are five or more urinals and the three that are “usable,” as well as the stalls, are already in use, wash your hands.  Do something to pass the 12 seconds you’re going to have to wait.  There is no need to break buffer protocol unless you’re about to wet yourself.
• If there are several urinals and you use the one immediately next to somebody, expect to be labeled.

These rules are not only for urinal usage, but also public transit, and movie theatre seating.  But of course, there is more to urinal etiquette than just buffer rules.  The next two most important rules are nearly as important as the buffer.

• Aim.  Nobody wants to stand in your pee.  Why you would ever think that anyone would want to stand in your pee is beyond me.  In fact, the next time you’re at a urinal, look down.  Do you like standing in other people’s pee?  Didn’t think so.  Stop perpetuating the cycle.
• The wall in front of you is not for booger storage.  Whether or not you plan on coming back to get it later, there is no need to put it there.  The strange thing about people who think that wiping snot across the wall in front of the urinal is they always put it at exactly eye level.  No matter what height you are.

When “Using” the Stall

I hope that this portion of the guide will only be used as a last resort.  If you absolutely must use the stall for any reason other than to abide by urinal buffer, try to figure out if it’s necessary first.  This is especially important in high traffic bathrooms.  If there is absolutely no way to avoid it, there is a few things you can do to make it easier on everybody else.

• The Courtesy Flush is necessary.  It doesn’t matter that you don’t mind the lingering stink.  When you hear the plop, flush.  Even if it’s a complicated flushing mechanism, do it.  Seriously, if you hear a plop, flush.  This forces a lot of the smell out of the room the right way.
• Groaning sounds are not okay.  It doesn’t matter how difficult the process is for you, it’s flat out gross.  Between the smell and the noises, you should be ashamed to show your face.
• Make it quick.  There’s no reason to linger.  The faster you’re done, the faster everybody else can get back to their life.  (Needless to say, do not bring any reading material into the public stall.)

Keep the Conversation to a Minimum

This rule should be needless to say.  It isn’t.  This is not the time to talk about your weekend.  It’s not the time to compliment somebody, or to talk about the weather.  This is doubly important if the person in the bathroom with you is a complete stranger.

Wash Your Hands

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Believe it or not, there is still a huge number of people who don’t wash their hands coming out of the bathroom.  I don’t care if you do it at home, but when you’re at work, or at the mall, or anywhere other than your home, just do it.  It’s not as big as an inconvenience as you think it is, and you’ll stop getting those dirty looks on your way out of the john.

I know that some of these rules might seem arbitrary.  They’re not.  Just memorize this guide, and our clean public washrooms won’t be a place for social awkwardness.