Pull Each Other’s Hair in a Fight

Women do it all the time, it’s a very useful activity indeed as it instantly renders the opposition unable to move. This would prove indispensable in a game of football (soccer) when men are happily prancing around the field in their designer shorts. Someone pushes the player who’s got the ball, tripping him up and causing him to lose control and land on his hand, upsetting the manicure on his divine fingers. Of course there is no person on earth who’d say that the perpetrator, million pounds purchase or not, doesn’t deserve to have his gelled pony-tail slyly yanked by the other players.

Hair pulling is a very handy move and has proved indispensable in female fights. It is surprising that this has not yet caught on in the man-sweat arena. Pulling each other’s hair would be a wise tactic to introduce into testosterone-angry sport. The Beckhams and Henrys of the football field could make use of this when the ref is otherwise busy. It would be especially beneficial in rugby in the midst of the scrum.

Rugby players all over the world would come out of this tight, intimate, muscle-bag meeting with handfuls of man hair. The All Blacks in particular would be perfect targets for this since their team is made up of players who have somehow managed to hold on to a large proportion of the world’s remaining man head-hair.

Pulling each other’s hair is definitely something men need to take up. If it’s good enough for us, it is more than good enough for them. After all, aren’t cat-fights the most renowned and enjoyable fights in the world.

Wear a Dress to Work

Trousers are so overrated and sooo yesterday. Nowadays, millions of men all over the world are turning up their fluff-filled noses at heavy, manual, muscle-tearing jobs, in exchange for the types of roles for which you have to wear perfume to work. They are beginning to understand that being fashionable and “with it” is not only for women, it’s also for them. Trousers are dull and only come in at most 4 standard colours.

Think of the fun men would have deciding what dress to wear, sleeves or not, strappy or no strap at all (yowza!). When there is a little arranging to be done, they can just simply take a big step, a jump, or a nice long leg stretch. This would mitigate all the over-the-top arranging and holding themselves in public, especially men who work in catering.

A dress would solve all the snagging problems and would certainly eliminate the need for constant tie and zipper checks. If women held themselves so often in public, we would be looked at very disapprovingly indeed.

Have a Handbag

Men are always leaving keys, watches, and glasses all about the house. Having a hand bag which they could call any of the following names:

• Man bag
• Dude purse
• Burly purly
• Rough sac
• Brute case

These would save valuable time running about in a panic trying to find all the stuff they usually frantically pat their pockets to find. Things which they did not put in there in the first place.

Handbags have a history of being very useful indeed to thwart potential thieves. A good solid swing of a man bag could see many a pickpocket running for their lives.

Handbags now come in oversized options, they could choose to wear it on the crook of their arm instead of a lady friend. Who needs to take a lady to the ball, when you could take a large man bag for which you won’t need to buy a drink or impress with silly jokes.

Wear Their Hair Long and Styled

There is a simple practical reason for this. Long hair could be indispensable later when balding starts to occur, as it could be worn in a bun at the front of the head to minimize the area of empty top face. Not only this, it could be sensibly`and tastefully styled upwards, wrapped with a hair band, (into a ponytail) then left to flow into the appearance of a fountain at the top of the head, this would serve a multitude of purposes as it could create extra height for shorter men, give the appearance of a longer, thinner head for men with chubby faces, and get lost in the forest of orifice hair for men who have excess nose and ear hair (orifice hair would then be mistaken for head hair flowing down from the top of the head). Problems solved for the short, fat, bald and ugly variety of the less fairer of the species.

Wear a Bra

This is a male unity, bonding kind of activity. Men should all unite and fight in each other’s navel fluff corners. If all men wore bras, then no one would know which ones really needed them and which ones didn’t. Secondly, doing this would show them how uncomfortable and restricting it can be to wear and hook up one every single day. They would therefore no longer be so quick to unhook them every little chance they get, then leaving them unhooked inside a woman’s clothes, as they would know how annoying this would be.

Try Clothes on Without the Intention of Buying Any

Again, women do this all the time, it makes waiting for each other to shop quite enjoyable. Think of all the time men spend sitting mournfully outside fitting rooms willing their wives to stop trying on clothes and go home already.

All that time, they could happily spend trying on dozens of different outfits instead of attempting but failing to keep their eyes off the lingerie (but mostly the women buying the lingerie) displayed around the changing rooms.

Stop Resting their Eyes

Yes, just stop with the “resting my eyes” lie. You’re not fooling anyone. It’s okay to say that you fell asleep while playing with the baby and while you’re meant to be watching the dinner.

Have Some Time for PMS

Wait, did you think that you actually had to menstruate before you suffered from PMS? See, that’s where you’re going wrong all this time. It’s fun, just be nasty to everyone, snap at the littlest of remarks, be sarcastic and when you’re asked, “How can I help?” by your spouse, say “If I’ve got to tell you how you can help, then I can see that you don’t really want to help, do you.”

Stomp your foot hard and walk away with a little swing in your waist. Not too much of a big swing though in case this makes your bottom look too fat. Spend a week like this and apologize all round when you feel like it. It’s easy to do, just decide when you want to do it, click your finger and watch everyone tip toe around you.