The Airliner’s Eight Ways to be Cool

Leather Jacket

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Nothing says “I’m cool, ladies.” like dead animal skins sown together to make clothing. Warm and cool, the leather jacket screams awesome. If you don’t have one, it’s no wonder you aren’t reading this with your girlfriend. Now go get one, because a leather jacket is a prerequisite to any other cool tip you’ll be reading today. Now, the photo above has one fatal flaw, that will lead us to our second item. If you found it, you may be less of a maggot then I expected.

You Never Smile

I sure hope you found that one. If not, we’re in for a long day. Face it, nobody cool has ever smiled. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. Did he smile while he did it? No, because he had one hell of a hard job. Did George Washington smile? No, he was too busy fighting the British and securing your FREEDOM (which is definitely cool). Smiling is a sign of weakness. A smirk, the sign of a jackass. Keeping a distant, nonchalant expression is cool – if you’re a bit of a weakling. It says, “My life is dangerous.” If you fancy yourself more along the lines of Big and/or Tall, consider a look along the lines of, “My fist is dangerous,” as demonstrated by the following model. And, he’s fulfilled rule number three.

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Being Clean-Shaven is NEVER Cool

No clean-shaven man has ever had someone hold up a foam finger with any number for them – apart from the number two. Facial hair is always cooler. A start for someone like you is stubble. Until you have mastered my nine rules, you can not go any further. A good friend of mine, Harrison Ford (in the role of Indiana Jones) is able to cover our original three rules. This is why he’s had feature films made about his life. How many films have been made around your life?

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Cheap Sunglasses

ZZ Top, elsewise known as the La Grange of cool, has summed up one of the top rules of cool. Cheap sunglasses. Women should not be able to see your eyes, because women can get angry when they roam. Dark or reflective sunglasses are clearly the coolest, because there is no way for anyone to see their eyes. Just make sure to actually face the woman in question, aye Maverick? Now this guy here has fulfilled three rules. I commend you, sir.

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Motorcycles are Cool

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Motorcycles attract women like honey attracts bears. Now, not just any old motorcycle. You need a classic, a “muscle” motorcycle. You’re here to be cool, not Fast or Furious. As you can see, both of these riders have helmets and are clearly trained to use a motorcycle. Motorcycle safety is a serious issue here. Being alive is very, very cool.

Bar Brawls Are Cool – If You’re Smart

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It is common knowledge that a man left standing at the end of a massive bar brawl is cool. But it isn’t cool to jump in and try to bash every skull you see. Assault is bad, for one thing, as is being beaten down. See the bartender? He’s preparing to be cool. When one man is left, tired and bloody, he will break a bottle over his head. Since I doubt you’re cool enough to be a bartender, use a friend. Teamwork is definitely cool. And friends lead us to rule seven.

Keep Your Friends Close

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If you can name everything good about this photograph, there’s hope for you yet. As you can see, they’re keeping their friends close – and their friends are doing the same, while they wear leather, sunglasses, and facial hair – on their motorcycles. Soon, boys, you will become men …

Learn To Play An Interesting Instrument

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As you can see, Mitch Kashmar is cool. He can also play the harmonica – one of the best instruments to play if you’re cool. Guitar is overhyped. Every college fratboy can strum some strings. But it takes a real man, a cool man, to create blues with his mouth and a little metal & plastic contraption. Not to mention, a harmonica is portable and attractive to the eye.

My friends, I have done all I can to help you achieve that status of cool. If you follow these eight rules, you should have no problems. If you don’t, I’m afraid you’re on your own. I can only hope you follow them, because if you do … There’s hope for you yet.

(Please note, this was all a bit of fun. Even if you’re a complete nerd, I’m not trying to call you out on it.)