Wow, this is beautiful. I inhaled the mountain air slowly and looked below me as a line of snowboarders weaved in and out of less advanced boarders. I was sitting somewhat sideways with my arm stretched out over the back of my seat. I glanced back at the couple behind me. I looked back at the empty space next to me where my husband should have been. Sigh.

I managed to trip as I got off the lift (as usual, I’m such a clutz), except this time there wasn’t anyone to laugh with me. Once I was up, however, I was off and suddenly finding myself in tons of powder.

This is something new and exciting. This was only my third time snowboarding in my life, and it had been a year in between my first and second time. Both of those times had been in more packed snow, so I hadn’t yet encountered this. I liked how the little bumps made me jump a little, and I admit, I intentionally made myself fall so I could see what it felt like (I’m such a kid when it comes to wanting to play). My husband would love this! This is so cool!

Groups of friends and couples were all around me. I weaved in and out of some of them, and others I followed from a distance to see if I could mimic their moves and learn something from them. I gained speed and for the first time, stopped fearing it and just let myself go. No one to witness my great feats… My husband would be impressed and we would have so much fun… he could lead the way and I’d be able to keep up right behind him…

I wasn’t entirely alone on the mountain. My friend was taking her beginner lessons down below and wasn’t ready to join me up on the lifts.

The lift ride seemed longer the second time up. As I glanced back at yet another couple, I began to muse how metaphoric this picture was of my time as an army wife.

The very things that drew my husband to me, and that he wanted to enjoy with me, are the very things we often cannot do together as hoped. I love to travel and was drawn to the military expecting to be relocated and endure a little adventure. In three years, however, we have not relocated. And in three years, while he has traveled the world in deployments and training assignments, I have had to stay behind.

When I have wanted to take trips, he’s been so exhausted from his own travels that my ideas no longer hold the same desire they once did. The thought of getting on another plane for him is most furthest from his mind. He just wants to be home, while I can’t wait to get out.

The man who used to jump at the chance to make plans and surprise me, is now weary and ready for someone else to take the wheel. I am now in charge of our trip planning and activities (unless it’s dealing with football).

The other night I was watching a ballroom dance show and was reminded of my old passions for dancing (before my husband came into my life). I remember vowing to never marry anyone unless they would dance with me. My husband impressed me by agreeing to take dance lessons for our wedding reception.

We’ve not had any lessons since then. It’s not that he doesn’t know how important it is to me, it’s just that it’s never conducive to his schedule-his schedule is not his choice, we are at the whim of the government and whatever they dictate. With late hours and constant trips even when he’s in a “non-deployable” unit, it’s very difficult to sign up for anything on a regular basis.

A jitterbug (Lindy Hop) class is starting up Tuesday night and I’m going to go-alone again. I already took a Swing class with just a girlfriend and myself before. My husband doesn’t mind me dancing with other men if it’s just swing-style dancing. He has promised to go Salsa dancing in the near future as soon as his job allows.

I used to do all sorts of activities before we met, and had been very much committed to my kickboxing. He hadn’t liked the idea of me grappling with other guys while he was deployed, so I avoided that activity. I miss it, though, and am going to go back into that sport (just no grappling).

After feeling as though the last three years of my life has been put on hold and waiting-waiting for him to join me-I am finally to a point of acceptance and moving on with my life outside of our time together. I’m starting to feel like my “old” self again-the single me. Except, I am still married.

It is especially difficult when everything I do reminds me that he isn’t there to enjoy these memories with. Friends can provide good company, but no one can replace him. There is a constant void that is never filled, and no matter how independent or carefree I think myself as, that void remains.

I know that I have a life many women envy. I don’t have kids, I’m not tied down. I have a career and the world is my oyster. I take advantage of the time I have by living it to the fullest as much as possible. By all appearances, I live a pretty single lifestyle.

It depends on the month actually. Sometimes I will go for weeks acting like a more “normal” married couple. We both go to work, come home, fix dinner, go to the gym, and go to bed, and then on the weekends just relax and hang out. Other times, I’ll go for weeks with little contact from him.

Gone are the days of constant yahoo instant messaging and webcamming. Here are the days of an email every other day and possibly a five minute phone call on the weekend (if I’m lucky). It just depends on what his assignment is and what the resources are that he’s given. He makes every attempt possible on his end.

I live an “army wife” life that is very different from most other army wives I meet. I’m not really a part of that community because of that alone. I know there are others out there like me, but we just haven’t crossed paths yet.

I represent the few, the proud-the wives who eventually come to a point of realizing we too live separate lives from our husbands, and have to fight hard to stay connected even across spaces and oceans between us. We are strong, we are independent, we enjoy life, we are extremely adventurous, and we are in a very unique place in life. Married, but single. Single, but married. Fun to socialize with, but committed and faithful.

Some women don’t take to this well and you may recognize them in bars, flirting with other soldiers. I am not that way, but some aren’t as strong as me. As much as it would be easy for me to judge them, I know the loneliness and pain they have.

Though our spouses have no choice in the matter of being away, the fact that they are physically absent remains. It’s very natural for an army wife to feel left behind and cut off from the spouse’s “other” life that she can have little to no part in as far as classified information goes. My husband can tell me if he had a good day or a bad day, but he can’t talk to me about his job like “normal” spouses can. I cannot know the details of his operation. I don’t ask, he doesn’t tell.

I consider myself very fortunate to have the faith that I’ve had my entire life. I am thankful for all the times even in childhood and young adulthood in which I was alone and adventurous without a partner to enjoy things with. I now look back and see how God used all of those situations and lonely times to prepare me for this lifestyle. I am not sure how other army women in similar situations to mine survive without that faith and friendship in God.

What I didn’t say earlier, is that though there was an empty spot next to me on the seat, I didn’t feel completely alone. The sun was shining through the clouds and I felt an immense peace. I was completely relaxed and taking it all in. Though my husband wasn’t able to be there with me, I still had a really fun time making memories to retell to him later on.

The Army Married, yet Single life can be complex and difficult at times. But for those of us who have hope and faith, we persevere and end up with great adventures of our own. I just felt like sharing this in case you or someone you know is considering this type of lifestyle, or if you are trying to better understand someone else in this type of situation. The best thing you can do to be their friend is to be adventurous with them-understand their need for an outlet and independence.