As a wife of a soldier we have many battles of our own. It’s a given fact that we worry to the point of no return. We binge eat or we starve ourselves. We either max out credit cards or sanity. And we are at a constant war with everyday life. When our men are away from us, all we see is everything that reminds us of them. Going food shopping becomes a tear jerker in the pasta isle. You pick up a box of penne pasta, (the type he loves and you hate) you throw it into your shopping cart to make for dinner later, a little something to make it seem like he’s home. You realize that things that annoyed the hell out of you about him, you wish he was there to do. You miss arguing and making up. You miss fighting for the sheets and playing in them.

Then you have those days when you wake up and you just feel dead! No reason to get out of bed, can’t eat, all you want to do is sleep but you’re restless. Everything you try to do to get yourself out of a slum just seems pointless and doesn’t work. You begin to worry yourself physically sick. And this thing that should last only a day, stays until you at least hear their voice and you know that they are OK. You convince yourself everything will be OK, and then a few days later you’re back to no sleep, endless coffee and a carton of Newport 100s. We fight with ourselves not to think of the thing we are all scared of. But it stays in the front of our minds. And this is where all the things we’re not supposed to think come into play. An elderly woman I met on a plane to San Diego a few years ago whose husband was in Vietnam told me,”Admitting we think these things is never allowed, it makes us bad wives!” I disagreed with her then before I was married and still do now.

Being a soldiers wife comes with a responsibility and a knowledge that you are expected to already know. If this is the first time you are hearing about this don’t be shocked. I didn’t know anything either. I’m still learning, and that is why i have come to write this. Not just to help me get through it but to share what has worked for me and in hopes could save someone from a breakdown. As we are thrown into the life of last minute everything, we are not allowed to complain about just finding out. We are not allowed to get upset.We are made to feel guilty for crying when they leave. And we’re just meant to deal with this quietly? And the answer is YES! How can I as a woman say that? They are getting shot at every day. They could die. The only thing that runs through their heads even as much as they try to fight it is us. Do you want that image to be a sad one? I didn’t think so. In reality we can’t help it and that is something they are just going to have to deal with! (Like they don’t have enough problems?)

The secrets we carry are the woman’s way of thinking, the emotional side. Our secret side even he doesn’t know about. Trust me it is smartest thing to do. There are things they don’t tell us, and if you do think that your man tells you everything, you might want to turn on the curling iron and let it get real hot. OK, now hold it to your lip for 5 seconds. Did you wake up? There are things not only that they can’t tell us because they are not supposed to but because they just can’t bring themselves to tell us the terrible things they had to do while they were away. As badly as we want to know they will never tell us. They are afraid we’ll judge them. And some might, but if you love them you’ll realize that they did it for you. They protect us in every way possible. Even when we think they are acting like our fathers, it is because they love us so much!

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 3. I was a military girlfriend, fiance, and now wife. I have been through almost six years of separation from him, 3deployments to Iraq, a year and a half of not speaking, and a dream come true. I am only 24 but i have learned alot about dealing with the constant departure of the one I love. I still cry, I still get myself upset, I still stay up all night, it never goes away. I’ve tried to watch war movies and I can’t because it reminds me of him. I cry and I get all upset. I have never been to war with him, obviously, but when I see these movies, I picture him in them and my imagination gets the best of me. It becomes real in my head and I start to go a little crazy. it will take me two days to get over feeling that way. I no longer watch war movies unless he is home with me and even then it’s hard.

When they are gone they try hard to trust us. They worry about the same thing that we worry about…CHEATING! But ladies think, when they are deployed there is no free time until they come home. Their free time is you! So relax. They have more reason to worry about us. They are not here to protect us if something happens. And the number one thing they worry about when they are gone is you cheating on them. They have no control over what you do, where you go, who you see. But that doesn’t mean go out get hammered and screw the first guy who buys you a drink. And that doesn’t mean the second either. It’s not free time for you. Alot of women think that way because of how their husbands or boyfriends act when they are home. Sometimes you have to realize that if your man is prior service and has been overseas he does have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) whether you think it or not. When they come back they will be different men. They will be assholes when they come home for a while because they are trained to be assholes. They have to go through a detox and we have to let them.

I have a friend who is in the Army with my husband who had recently married his girlfriend of six years. They went through the boot camp thing and his wife met him down for the graduation. While they had separate flights home, she got stuck for three days and he had made it home on time. So she missed his detox, and he didn’t realize it. Well, the second time around when he came home the first thing that happened was not a happy hello, but a huge argument that lasted for a day and a half. Now I have a rule never go to bed angry. Both of them didn’t understand. I had to explain that when he goes away with the boys, need I say more. Boys will be boys, and boys who get to play with guns, turn into men with the biggest egos ever. They must dominate everything including us. Hence, asshole! And because they’re being dicks it pisses us off and we get angry. They need a few days to get back to normal. They have to adjust. I know it sounds like bullshit, but ask a soldier. If I’m wrong, send me to boot camp!