Top Three Cheap Battle Strategies of All Time
by There are more ways to win a war than just running and hacking – these historical figures defeated their enemies by hardly lifting a finger or just by being jerks.
1. Cambyses II of Persia
Cambyses II led the Persians into battle against the Egyptians at the height of their power. Knowing of the Egyptians renowned respect for several animals, he brought with him a zoo full of beasts, one for every god they represented to the Egyptians. He also painted the image of the cat goddess Bast onto his soldiers shields so that the Egyptians couldn’t hit them. In addition, he released waves of kitties to run amongst his troops so that the Egyptians could not risk using arrows. He exploited their religious fervour in an incredibly cheap but effective way to win a war against an effectively neutered Egyptian army.
Jerk rating: 4/5 (extra points for risking kittens)
Image via Wikipedia
2. Chuko Liang
Chuko “sleeping dragon” Liang was a renowned strategist during the War of the three kingdoms in China. One day Chuko was out scouting with a small group of men when he accidentally came to close to his enemy Sima Yi’s massive army. Upon seeing them, Chuko orders a retreat into the city and asks for the gates to be left open. He then hides all his men and stands alone on the city wall, calmly playing the lute. Yi rocks up with over 100,000 men and sees the famous stategist mysteriously playing his lute. Having been outwitted by Chuko before, Yi assumes that this is some elaborate trap too complex for him to comprehend and orders a retreat. From a guy with a lute. Nice.
Jerk rating: 2/5 (fooled you!)
Image via Wikipedia
3. Haile Selassie
This Ethiopian may be the master of the double-double-double cross. When his fair city was attacked by the Warlord Balcho Safo (tremble at his intimidating name!), Selassie invites him in to dinner held in his honour. Suspecting a trap (as anyone would), Safo turns up to dinner with his 600 strongest and fiercest men, ready for a food fight of epic proportions. But this ambush never comes. Selassie is a perfect gentleman and soon the night is over and Safo is convinced that he will win an easy victory against this obsequious leader come morning. So he returns to the rest of his 10,000 strong army only to find… they’ve buggered off. While he and his generals were at dinner, Ethiopians have snuck out with lots and lots of gold, bought the army’s weapons and paid them to go away. Go find some women or something. So poor Safo is left facing an enemy army, with another one creeping up behind him. Owned.
Jerk rating: 3/5 (Won a war with no killing. Nice.)
Image via Wikipedia
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