My wife and I were looking for some ideas for wedding ring inscriptions for our anniversary. Jumping on the web, we found a few on Garden Web. These made us laugh:

• Happy now? Good.
• Nonrefundable
• Not for pawning
• Put me back on!
• Race you to the shower
• The toys are LEGALLY mine!
• Why Do You Have Your Ring Off?
• Gotcha

So then I came up with some of my own:

• Cheaper than alimony
• Damn DNA tests
• Game over
• Hold my purse!
• Make me a sammich
• No more diets for me!
• Pull my ring finger
• So can I fart now?
• Stupid condom company
• Sucker!
• The only pussy you’ll be seeing now are my three cats
• Too late for a pre-nup
• Wedding sponsored by Remington
• Maury Says, “You ARE the father!”

Digging a little deeper, I found a lovely list of 300 suggestions by Joanna Cal. While heartfelt and thoughtful, I thought they were missing something- full disclosure. The original sentiment is on the left, my as yet unspoken additions are in parenthesis. I give you 75 rejected wedding ring inscriptions, in alphabetical order.

1. A lifetime is all that I need… (to wreck yours)
2. A Perfect Fit … (until I ate that box of ho hos)
3. All My Heart … (and all my family, including Mom who hates you)
4. Always and forever … (nagging you)
5. Baby, I’m Amazed By You … (that you’re so gullible)
6. Body, Mind And Heart … (I own your ass)
7. Bound To An Angel … (a Hell’s Angel)
8. Burning for you … (or maybe that’s the Gonorrhea)
9. Committed to you … (I should be committed BY you to a mental facility)
10. Don’t Hope, Believe … (I’ll leave)
11. Endless Love … (of cats)
12. Eternally Yours … (like fruitcake)
13. Eternity … (pray for death)
14. Everything I Do, I Do It For You … (except that stuff I do to myself when you’re gone)
15. Faithful & True … (just not to you)
16. For Whither Thou Goest I Will Follow … (thanks to the unenforceable stalker laws)
17. For You Alone … (can drive me nuts)
18. Forever … (or until something better comes along)
19. Forever Dancing To The Beat Of Your Heart … (and I can’t wait for it to stop)
20. Forever Entwined … (in debt)
21. Forever Friends … (in a platonic kind of way)
22. Forever In My Heart … (and in my wallet)
23. Forever Together … (even in the bathroom)
24. Forevermore … (stupid Raven)
25. Forget Me Not … (or my lawyer will make sure you remember)
26. Friends & Lovers … (Well, friends)
27. From This Day Forward … (you will have no peace or piece)
28. Grow Old With Me … (until your secretary finishes high school)
29. I Could Not Ask For More … (but I will anyway)
30. I did … (with your brother)
31. I Do Not Wish To Love Any Other … (right now, but the day isn’t over)
32. I Finally Found You … (stop trying to get away!)
33. I found love, and love was you … (and your sister)
34. I Have Nothing More To Give You But My Heart … (I just didn’t know you’d take it from my ass)
35. I Knew From The Moment I Met You … (because you slept with me that night)
36. I love you period … (just not YOUR period)
37. I Promise You Forever … (without parole)
38. I’m Amazed By You … (how can someone so stupid not get hit by a car?)
39. It’s Been You All The Time … (looking in my bathroom window)
40. Joy without end (will end without joy)
41. Life Has Begun … (to get really bad)
42. Love • Faith • Honesty … (•Misery•Therapy)
43. Love Conquers All … (mercifully, so does death)
44. Love, honor and obey. … (Yeah right)
45. Mine … (all your stuff)
46. My Cup Runneth Over … (clean that up you slob)
47. My Dream Came True … (Nightmares are dreams, right?)
48. My Life Began With You … (and ended with you too)
49. Never shall we be parted … (those handcuffs are titanium!)
50. No holding back … (my farts anymore)
51. Now I Am Complete … (-ly in control)
52. Share Everything … (well your stuff)
53. Solid Gold … (digger)
54. Sparkle Of My Life … (twinkle in my pants)
55. Take me … (shopping)
56. Thank the Lord … (No more blowjobs)
57. The Best Things Are Free … (but you need to buy me everything else)
58. This the best … (I will ever look)
59. Til My Dying Day … (preferably from natural causes)
60. Today I Married My Friend … (boy was my fiancé pissed)
61. Two Bodies, One Life … (sentence if we got caught)
62. With Arms Wide Open … (and mouth that never closes)
63. Wrapped around my finger … (just like you)
64. You are my life … (sentence)
65. You Are So Beautiful … (when you’re naked)
66. You Are The Reason … (they made Prozac)
67. You Are The Reason I Am … (not in police custody)
68. You give me butterflies … (or is that gas?)
69. You Own My Heart … (and apparently my ass too)
70. You’re the best … (I could do)
71. You’re Still The One … (who won’t close the bathroom door)
72. You’re still the One … (who pays my bills)
73. You’re The Answer To My Everything … (or so you keep telling me)
74. You’re The Answer To My Prayers … (Why does God hate me?)
75. XOXOXOXO … (You suck at tic-tac-toe)