Jerry Springer – Yea, You Definitely Remember Him

Can someone please translate whatever message Jerry Springer is trying to convey into something that I might better be able to understand, like Yiddish or that Bushman clicking language? As it stands, I have no idea whether Jerry is seriously claiming that he has a fearless dedication to reason and truth or if it’s simply the case that his teachings are a crazy-quilt patchwork of the most doctrinaire classes of commercialism you’ll ever see. One of my objectives for this letter is to enhance people’s curiosity, critical acumen, and aesthetic sensitivity. We must clean up the country and get it back on course again if we are ever to fight Jerry hammer and tong. Yes, this is a bold, audacious, even unprecedented undertaking. Yes, it lacks any realistic guarantee of success. However, it is an undertaking that we must decidedly pursue because when Jerry’s dimwitted utterances are translated into plain, words-mean-things English, he appears to be saying that the sky is falling. For me, this hateful moonshine serves only to emphasize how it’s easy for Jerry to bombastically declaim my proposals. But when is he going to provide an alternative proposal of his own? While that question may not be as profound as “What’s the meaning of life?” or “Is there a God?”, Jerry keeps saying that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as him. For some reason, Jerry’s provocateurs actually believe this nonsense.

Those of you who thought that Jerry was finally going to leave us alone are in for a big surprise because Jerry recently announced his plans to emphasize the negative in our lives instead of accentuating the positive. Rhetoric aside, he throws a tantrum every time he doesn’t get what he wants. Let me recap that for you because it really is extraordinarily important: He frequently insists that the government (and perhaps he himself) should have sweeping powers to arrest and hold people indefinitely on flimsy grounds. This lie of his cannot stand the light of day, and a few minutes’ reflection will suffice to show how utterly closed-minded a lie it is. Nonetheless, now that I’ve been exposed to his accusations I must admit that I don’t completely understand them. Perhaps I need to get out more. Or perhaps he is known for publishing what is easily identifiable as opinion under the guise of fact. I put that observation into this letter just to let you see that I realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you’re somewhat uncomfortable reading about Jerry’s mischievous reportages please don’t blame me for them. I’m not the one jumping on everything that is written, said, or even implied and label it as either treacherous or brainless. I’m not the one denying the obvious. And I’m not the one perverting human instincts by suppressing natural, feral constraints and encouraging abnormal patterns of behavior.