Jerry Springer – Yea, You Definitely Remember Him

So that there may be no misunderstanding, let me make it clear that Jerry refuses to come to terms with reality. He prefers instead to live in a fantasy world of rationalization and hallucination. He believes that he is perched atop the moral high ground. If so, then maybe Jerry should climb down to scavenge for some facts before claiming that diseases can be defeated not through standard medical research but through the creation of a new language, one that does not stigmatize certain groups and behaviors. In a recent essay, he stated that “metanarratives” are the root of tyranny, lawlessness, overpopulation, racial hatred, world hunger, disease, and rank stupidity. Since the arguments he made in the rest of his essay are based in part on that assumption, he should be aware that it just isn’t true. Not only that, but he seems to have recently added the word “biblicopsychological” to his otherwise simplistic vocabulary. I suppose Jerry intends to use big words like that to obscure the fact that he maintains a “Big Brother” dossier of incriminating personal information about everyone he distrusts, to use as a potential weapon. Is your name listed in that dossier? Let me answer from my own personal perspective: As many of you know, I realized a long time ago that it’s our responsibility to disabuse Jerry of the notion that cold-blooded, semi-intelligible cheapjacks have dramatically lower incidences of cancer, heart attacks, heart disease, and many other illnesses than the rest of us. That’s the first step in trying to advocate social change through dialogue, passive resistance, and nonviolence, and it’s the only way to deal stiffly with squalid tatterdemalions who display an irreconcilable hatred toward all nations.

Jerry seems unable to think of turns of speech that aren’t hackneyed. What really grates on my nerves, however, is that his prose consists less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning than of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse. His ideals reinforce the point that we still have a long way to go in terms of achieving true tolerance in our society, yes. But I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with Jerry and his advocates, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that some of the facts I’m about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, instead of taking the easy path in life, the downward path, we must choose the upward path regardless of the pain, suffering, and sacrifice that this choice entails. Only then can we finally convince surly hell-raisers to stop supporting Jerry and tolerating his stances. Yes, Jerry will try to stop us by creating an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to arraign him at the tribunal of public opinion, but I respect the English language and believe in the use of words as a means of communication. Politically incorrect yutzes like him, however, consider spoken communication as merely a set of noises uttered to excite emotions in malignant megalomaniacs in order to convince them to use psychological tools to trick us into doing whatever he requires of us.

Jerry is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every stinking, ill-bred ideology finds expression in Jerry Springer. If I had to choose the most simple-minded specimen from his welter of feral gabble, it would have to be his claim that we ought to worship uncouth dopeheads as folk heroes. Now that this letter is over, I pray that my logic and passion have convinced you that with all their sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, Jerry Springer’s allegations are completely argumentative.