Nasty Norman Kings
Three of the most miserable kings of England’s early days.
The Normans were some of the most brutal and relentless conquerors of history. They pounded the Poiters and battered the Brits. They took what they wanted and killed those who opposed them. So it’s no wonder that they were led by some of the most dreadful and uncouth monarchs history has known:
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King William II, 1056-1100
King William II was nicknamed “Rufus” (either because of his reddish hair, or because of his quickness to anger) and he took over the throne of England from his father, William the Conqueror. William the Conqueror had more than one son, however, and to his son Robert, he bestowed Normandy. But Rufus wasn’t happy with just England under his belt. Under the pretense of helping Robert to fight back the French, Rufus spent the next decade or so of his life attempting to wrest control away from Robert.This was for the most part unsuccessful, however, because although most Norman Barons owned property on both sides of the English Channel, most were loath to side with Rufus because of his greed and utter cruelty. Eventually, however, through bribery, Rufus managed to gain the duchy of Normandy from Robert for 10,000 marks (the currency of the Normans), which Robert then used to fund his Crusade to the Holy Land.
Rufus was, at best, an unpleasant person, and, at worst, a TERRIBLE monarch. He manipulated all the income of the country so that a large cut would be directly forwarded to the royal treasury. He angered the church, and having no respect for members of the cloth, they saw no need to respect him.
At one time, Rufus began stealing church lands and even refused to appoint Anselm ( a popular candidate) as the Archbishop of Canterbury. Not long after, he fell ill, and summoned to him the most effective healers (which were, of course, monks). The clergymen told him that he was dying, and that if he didn’t compensate the church for what he had taken, he would burn in Hell for eternity. Rufus panicked and gave the church back vast amounts of land and monetary wealth… and then promptly recovered.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, or perhaps, in Rufus’ case, all things come to a good end… at least for the people, that is. While out hunting in the New Forest, Rufus shot at a large stag and missed. Now, there is speculation on what really happened. Some say that he called out to his knight Walter Tirel, “Shoot!”, (meaning at the stag) and received and arrow in his eye. While an amusing story, a more popular conspiracy theory is that he was murdered by his younger brother, Henry, who had only received 5000 marks as his inheritance and was itching to be a king. Unfortunately, we’ll never know.
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King Henry I, 1068-1135
Henry was William the Conqueror’s youngest son. He was also the first Norman king to be born in England. He was an immediate improvement from Rufus, but he had not counted on the fact that most of the Norman barons were still strongly supportive of Robert, who had yet to come back from his Crusade. However, his ruthlessness was shown better in his younger years, before his coronation. For instance, in 1090, he and Robert ganged up against Rufus. They captured one of his knights, Conan, and took him up to one of the towers in their castle. Conan begged for mercy, but they only scoffed at him, for Henry had in mind already a fairly gruesome death for the man. In fact, they threw him out of the window.
However, He could be just as ruthless after his coronation. After winning the trust of the people by abolishing abuses laid on them by Rufus, he married the daughter of the king of Scotland, securing his position. By the time Robert was finished crusading, Henry was ready for him. When Robert invaded England in 1101, Henry was able to forge a friendly agreement, which gave back Robert’s Duchy of Normandy and a rather large pension. However, Robert’s inability to govern effectively led Henry to attack Normandy and at Tinchebrai in 1106, he routed Robert’s army and locked Robert away in Cardiff Castle until his death at the age of 80.
Sadly for Henry, it was his love of rich and exotic foods that did him in. At dinner one night, he was advised by his head physician not to eat the eels. Of course, Henry didn’t listen and ate the eels, which gave him horrible stomach and abdominal pains. The doctor advised a laxative, to flush out the bowels, but unfortunately, there were no medicine cups or dosages, and Henry was given an overdose and after suffering from extreme bout of diarrhea his internal organs gave out and he died.
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King Stephen, 1097-1154
King Stephen wasn’t actually directly in line for the throne. Even though he was a grandson of William the Conqueror, his cousin, Matilda, was named as the heiress to the English throne. For years, the war between the two of them caused civil strife and weakened the economy of England, even though as King Henry I lay dying he had sworn to protect Matilda’s interests as the next monarch. Oddly enough, Stephen was a good fighter, but somewhat of a ninny. His mother and his wife had a lot of influence over him and it is generally believed that they were responsible for his ambitious grab for the throne.
His reign is often considered one of the most painful and disastrous periods of English history. It wasn’t necessarily that he was a bad man or that he was as cruel as his predecessors, he was just kind of a wimp. He gave in too easily to pressure and allowed his barons almost free reign to do whatever they wanted. As a direct result, the state affairs rapidly deteriorated into an almost lawless state of anarchy. It was said in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle that “men said openly that Christ and his saints slept,” which, given the harsh living conditions back then, must have been terrible for the populace.
In any case, Stephen’s only son died and he was forced to accept Matilda’s son as his successor. Like his grandfather, he was stricken suddenly with wrenching gut pains (probably appendicitis) and died in agony.
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