Not-so-Little Darlings

    I’ ve in the past talked about my (vast) DVD/video collection. I’ ve in the past talked about my (vast) book collection. I’ ve in the past talked about my (vast) magazine collection. I’ ve in the past talked about my (vast) computer-print-out collection. It is now time for me to spend some words on my (vast) Xerox collection.   

    Having a large Xerox collection is, quite simply, a kick. It’ s a marvelous opportunity to drink in past writing of high quality, writing that, in earlier times, really and truly caught your eye, knocked not only your socks but your entire underwear off. And two pieces that are definitely among the creme de la creme of such writing are the May 11, 1987 issue of People Magazine‘ s articles on, respectively, Teri Ann Linn, a daytime-soap performer who was then on a roll, and Robin Givens, then making her first big splash as a key cast member of the TV sitcom Head of the Class.   

    We begin with Teri Ann Linn. First, however, something should be said. At no time shall I deal with Teri’ s daytime soap in any depth and, in fact, nowhere shall I even mention it by name. This is because, in all honesty, I have simply lost my passion for daytime soaps. Despite all the fuss many make regarding their “quality,” the cold, hard fact is that they are basically all alike. Their interchangeable scripts, interchangeable direction, interchangeable plots, and interchangeable acting just became flat-out tiresome. Thus, it will be Teri, not her then-vehicle, that will be dealt with.   

    Very well. Now to Teri. The People Magazine piece on her has an absolutely delicious come-on, as the top of said issue’ s “Contents” page features a mouth-watering photo of her in a black bikini top, holding a surfboard and smiling ingratiatingly. Turn to the article itself and there’ s an even happier greeting: The girl is pictured coming out of the ocean carrying said surfboard and clad in a skimpy black two-piece (and revealing a positively scrumptious beach body). The accompanying words, in part, have her saying: “I have no goal of being Meryl Streep,” referring to her rather easygoing attitude toward her acting career. After some quite tedious stuff concerning Teri’ s soap, the writer, Susan Spillman, finally gets to the good stuff with: “It’ s probably the model-perfect beauty of [the soap' s] young cast that’ s grabbing the eye of most beholders and”–now we get into why we’ re reading this–”to judge by viewer mail, it’ s probably Teri Ann Linn who’ s doing a lot of the grabbing.” After conceding that “some of Linn’ s letters come from men in correctional institutions,” Spillman bounces back with: “[Y]ou don’ t have to be in solitary to appreciate her beach-bunny charm.” From then on, Spillman really gets tantalizing (”A green-eyed, 5′ 9″, 130-lb. blonde, Linn, 26, is the kind of person who makes other women want to throw in the towel, hide in the pantry and scarf down a gallon of Haagen-Dazs”). Later, there is equally thrilling material regarding her love life (”Put her together with her boyfriend, Merv Griffin’ s actor son Tony, 27, and you’ ve got a quintessential California couple who surf together, jog together and even go on commercial auditions together”). Tony then gives a quite believable testimonial to Teri: “She doesn’ t care about [her makeup and her hair]. Teri is a real natural girl.” It is then that Spillman traces Teri’ s background. We discover that she’ s the offspring of an insurance salesman and an ex-model and was brought up in the Diamond Head portion of Honolulu. Being “a typical Hawaiian product,” (says Spillman) Teri claims that rather than spend Sundays in church, “we’ d go to the tennis courts…Hawaii’ s atmosphere lends itself to that. If you’ re not jogging or something, people think you’ re strange.” Spillman then touches upon her educational background (in high school, she was a whiz at sports, tennis especially; she spent a year at Pepperdine and two at the University of San Diego) and her showbiz beginnings (a bit on Hawaii Five-O, time as the Fuji Film girl). Spillman also gives space to Teri’ s period as Miss Hawaii USA in 1981 (”That was the year Miss New York was caught padding her bra,” remembers Teri. “So what if one [girl] padded her bra? I think making her leave the competition was ridiculous”). From there Spillman deals with Teri’ s later acting roles (parts on Hill Street Blues and Magnum P. I. and The Fall Guy; “more than 100 commercials”) and with the fact that she landed her then-present daytime-soap role “after eight separate interviews.” A particularly sharp witticism from Teri closes out a greatly lively and greatly sexy article: “No problem creating bitchiness. Everybody has it in them.” People Magazine‘ s aforementioned piece on Teri definitely proves that she doesn’ t have “bitchiness” in her, and for that we can consider ourselves very fortunate.