Sexy Beast

    As I’ ve mentioned before, I am and have long been absolutely, positively loony concerning women. Indeed, I am, as the Paul Rudd character refers to himself in the smash-hit cinematic “bromance” I Love You, Man, “a girlfriend guy.” I love women’ s charm. I love their humor. I love their warmth. I love their gentleness. I love their sweetness. I love their good-naturedness. I love their vivaciousness. It is these qualities, combined, that make reading about women almost–repeat, almost–as much fun as looking at and chatting with them.   

    All this is said as a way of bringing on the fact that, in looking over my (vast) collection of computer print-outs, I’ ve come across two that stand out, two that genuinely grab you by the collar and demand close attention. Namely the AskMen.com profiles of former Baywatch babes Carmen Electra and Brande Roderick.   

    First, AskMen.com on Carmen. The profile starts out quite well, first giving Carmen’ s “overall rating,” which is 80, then going into her herself (”Carmen Electra has done a lot, from singing to acting and modeling, but her persona is greater than the sum of its parts”). Later, we get some insight into Carmen’ s personality (”Not only is she charming, it’ s obvious that she doesn’ t take herself too seriously. In February 2003, she served as a member on jury duty, and the women on the L. A. jury wanted Carmen to call their husbands and boyfriends, as a surprise”). From there, we’ re reminded of our girl’ s genuine value (”What she does nowadays is make sexy appearances in movies and TV shows, and that alone entertains viewers. Who needs more than that,  really?”) and AskMen. com moves on to discuss her “sexiness,” which rates a “90.” (”[S]he admits that she thinks about sex every 20 seconds, that she’ s very vocal in bed and that she enjoys dirty talk. Not only does she claim that she’ s quite skilled between the sheets, but she also says that she prefers administering oral sex rather than receiving it”) There are, happily, further words regarding her “sexiness” (”This knockout is short and very trim, but with a figure clocking in at 36C-23-35, nobody’ s complaining”) and. later, fortunately, we’ re informed as to her “personal style.” (”That style can be summed up in a single word: provocative. She’ s out there, but at least she’ s never boring…Hey, for her wedding [to Dave Navarro, from whom she split afterward], she apparently asked guests to wear hot and sexy outfits!”) Finally, AskMen.com discloses its “Secret Wish” concerning Carmen: “That like Scary Movie and My Boss’ s Daughter, she made more ‘wet T-shirt’ movies.” In sum, the AskMen.com profile reveals that Carmen is living proof of what Heather Reider and Mary Goulet, in their much-praised guide to mothers It’ s All About You: Live The Life You Crave, asserted are among two of women’ s most valuable roles: “the hot babe in bed” and “sex machine.”