As I’ ve mentioned before, I am and have long been absolutely, positively loony concerning women. Indeed, I am, as the Paul Rudd character refers to himself in the smash-hit cinematic “bromance” I Love You, Man, “a girlfriend guy.” I love women’ s charm. I love their humor. I love their warmth. I love their gentleness. I love their sweetness. I love their good-naturedness. I love their vivaciousness. It is these qualities, combined, that make reading about women almost–repeat, almost–as much fun as looking at and chatting with them.   

    All this is said as a way of bringing on the fact that, in looking over my (vast) collection of computer print-outs, I’ ve come across two that stand out, two that genuinely grab you by the collar and demand close attention. Namely the AskMen.com profiles of former Baywatch babes Carmen Electra and Brande Roderick.   

    First, AskMen.com on Carmen. The profile starts out quite well, first giving Carmen’ s “overall rating,” which is 80, then going into her herself (”Carmen Electra has done a lot, from singing to acting and modeling, but her persona is greater than the sum of its parts”). Later, we get some insight into Carmen’ s personality (”Not only is she charming, it’ s obvious that she doesn’ t take herself too seriously. In February 2003, she served as a member on jury duty, and the women on the L. A. jury wanted Carmen to call their husbands and boyfriends, as a surprise”). From there, we’ re reminded of our girl’ s genuine value (”What she does nowadays is make sexy appearances in movies and TV shows, and that alone entertains viewers. Who needs more than that,  really?”) and AskMen. com moves on to discuss her “sexiness,” which rates a “90.” (”[S]he admits that she thinks about sex every 20 seconds, that she’ s very vocal in bed and that she enjoys dirty talk. Not only does she claim that she’ s quite skilled between the sheets, but she also says that she prefers administering oral sex rather than receiving it”) There are, happily, further words regarding her “sexiness” (”This knockout is short and very trim, but with a figure clocking in at 36C-23-35, nobody’ s complaining”) and. later, fortunately, we’ re informed as to her “personal style.” (”That style can be summed up in a single word: provocative. She’ s out there, but at least she’ s never boring…Hey, for her wedding [to Dave Navarro, from whom she split afterward], she apparently asked guests to wear hot and sexy outfits!”) Finally, AskMen.com discloses its “Secret Wish” concerning Carmen: “That like Scary Movie and My Boss’ s Daughter, she made more ‘wet T-shirt’ movies.” In sum, the AskMen.com profile reveals that Carmen is living proof of what Heather Reider and Mary Goulet, in their much-praised guide to mothers It’ s All About You: Live The Life You Crave, asserted are among two of women’ s most valuable roles: “the hot babe in bed” and “sex machine.”   

    Now to the AskMen.com item on Carmen’s sister Baywatch babe–actually, Baywatch Hawaii babe–Brande Roderick. After letting us in on her “overall rating”–”80″–we get the lowdown on why Brande is in the forefront (”Brande Roderick went from a relative unknown L. A. party girl to a virtual household name faster than Viagra can go into effect, thanks in large part to being better known as Mr. Hugh Hefner’ s ex-girlfriend and being Playboy’ s Miss April 2000″). Then, after telling of her time as one of Hef’ s foursome of Girlfriends and her decision to “move on,” we find out that her audition to join Baywatch Hawaii went swimmingly (pardon the pun) and she was offered a regular part on the show “[a]nd we have been sleeping happier ever since.” Then we learn of her “personality and talent,” which rank 72, and that her most-admired actresses are “Audrey Hepburn, Michelle Pfeiffer, Angelina Jolie, and Julia Roberts. As for [Brande' s] talent level…let’ s just say she poses really nicely.” Then–yaaay–we get a bead on her “92″-rated “sexiness” (”Brande Roderick is one of the sexiest women alive…She’ s a pin-up girl, and a fine one at that”). We conclude with some warming words on her “personal style” (”It doesn’ t matter, as long as it causes blood rushes in our bodies”) and a disclosing of AskMen.com’ s “Secret Wish”: “How in tarnation can we get our hands on 4 world-class beauties that will agree to date us at the same time, even when we are 73 years old [Hef' s age at the time] and need Viagra?”   

    In his bestselling autobiography Don’ t Hassel the Hoff, former Baywatch head honcho David Hasselhoff, referring to the aftermath regarding Pamela Anderson’ s sudden decision to leave the show, wrote: “The strategy wasn’ t so much to replace Pamela Anderson as to make the audience forget she had ever existed by filling the screen with sensational ‘eye candy’ in the shape of Kelly Packard, Carmen Electra, Angelica Bridges, and Marliece Andrada.” The AskMen.com profiles of Carmen and of Brande Roderick are firm reminders of the “eye candy” that we lost when Baywatch went off the air. And that it would greatly benefit us to have back.