Shallow and Deep

Shallow and Deep. That’s life to me now. I have a few thoughts on life, on love, on being happy, on being alone, on friendships, on virtue, on evil and good. The list goes on. Ok, I have a lot of thoughts about those things. I’m not going to bore you with them.

I wanna let you in on a secret… I am heartbroken. Because I realized that everything in life is a matter of choice. Nothing is absolute [Well, maybe God is. But that's a different story.]. Over things that happen by chance, by accident, by uncontrollable circumstance, we always have the choice between moving on and sulking up. Ergo, the freedom to decide what to make of your life. It seems to me that it all goes back to the uncanny connection between the mind and the heart. I don’t think we’ll ever realize which works better when they don’t quite see eye to eye [for lack of a better term]. And by better i mean what would serve to make us happy, not necessarily right. It could have been a lot easier if we can see plain and clear the path where happiness lies. But then I heared that even that is a relative term. Oh, crap!

These past few days, I have been discussing with a friend a lot of my idealisms. Things that I want for myself. Things that I am willing to give up and those that I think i’d spend a lot of my life searching for. Yes, I share your pity for my listener. For these things are not that easy to digest. Even to me, sometimes, they sort of leave a bad taste in the mouth. This is when I think of deep. Someone told me I am somewhat like that. I kind of agree. That’s why i think maybe i’m shallow.

I feel old sometimes. Especially whenever I fail to laugh at a simple joke. But then, sometimes, when a clear blue sky would make me feel light and, well, happy, i feel young. When a cold wind and a few drops of rain would remind me of a lot of good things behind me, i feel reconnected with the world. I remember I am just a girl. I don’t run the universe. I don’t have to worry that much.

I think perhaps I am both shallow and deep. I was sort of hoping that would keep me grounded, leveled. And maybe in time both parts of me would lead me to a better understanding of, well, a lot of things i don’t understand and those that i continue to misunderstand [for lack of a better description].

Vague as I am, I want to tell you that I am just a girl. I dream of dreams that makes the heart swell. What makes my world go round now is shallow. But then I think I may have spotted something close to my ideals. But why I think it is, i cannot say. It’s kind of deep.