The Tenets of Friendship

Always Be Honest

Sometimes the truth hurts. Other times, it may not hurt but it’s not necessarily what you’d like to hear. But a dishonest friendship is as bad, and as painful, as a dishonest marriage. If he (or she) lied to you before, what would stop them from lying again? Friends are those people we count on to tell us the truth, regardless of how unsettling it may be. But when telling an ugly truth, be kind about it. One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you’ve hurt your friend. And it hurts you because it hurt them.

Don’t Let Them Slip Away

If you’re like me, you have a hard time reaching out. I came up learning how not to trust, instead of how to trust. But I’ve also learned that a true friend remains a true friend. If you haven’t heard from them in a while, it doesn’t mean they’ve abandoned you. Call them, text them, or something. They may be waiting for you to reach out to them. And, difficult though it is at times, one needs to reach out. Always waiting for someone to reach out to you is simply asking for too much. You have to show them that you care, or they might go away forever.

Take Time

Everybody gets busy sometimes. But always, when you can, take the time to talk with your friend. Even if he/she just blabs on about something you could care less about, indulge them. They’d probably do that for you. Return the gift, or it might stop giving altogether.

Respect

Okay, your friend is going on and on about their cat. The cat’s cool, all right, funny sometimes, but no big deal. They just keep on and on, even when you try to steer the conversation onto another road. Do not let this get on your nerves. They love their cat; don’t you love your pet? Can’t you understand? Even if you don’t own a pet, surely you understand that common but beautiful human-pet bond. If you don’t show your friend respect, they won’t show you respect.

Support

Even a hug can work miracles. Give a warm voice, a caring expression, make your friend laugh, open your arms. Friendship is like any other relationship, insomuch that it is a bond, and it’s often the little things that keep that bond strong. When you need emotional support, or just a shot of encouragement, your friend would give it to you freely. Return it in kind. It not only helps them, but it also makes you feel better about yourself.

Maintain The Vows Of Integrity

Okay, none of us actually take vows when we become friends (well, not usually). But the vows are there, unspoken, unwritten, within us. Trust and honor are not gifts; we have to earn them. Yet, in order to earn them, we have to give a little in the first place. We have to lower our defenses and take the chance of being hurt in some way, if we’re going to find the companionship and comradeship that we all need. When you can’t open up, be gentle in how you let your friend know this. They pry sometimes because they care; but getting angry will only drive them away. And likewise, leave it alone if your friend asks you to; but be there when they need you.

Find And Maintain Confidence

We all need someone to confide in – well, most of us do. Many times, I’ve written what I would never voice, and I gave those words to only one person. And that person betrayed my trust in many ways. So it’s with experience, here possibly more than in any other area, that I write this.

A friend – not a casual acquaintance or someone you only know online, but a true friend – will confide private things to you. And you will do the same with them. In friendship, your word as your honor is a given. That is a precious, rare gift. Don’t throw it away. Keep the confidence your friend puts in you. Be careful of whom you trust, but you should never fear confiding in your true friend. It may take many mistakes to figure out just who your true friend is. And when you do, work to keep and maintain that relationship. Confidence is perhaps the key in that.

Find Ways To Be Free

“Free” in this case is a rather broad term. What I mean is, Try to never put your friend in a place where he/she has to make a choice. It goes both ways, though; they should never do that to you. Jealousy seems the root of this. Remember that your friend has a lot of room in their heart, as do you. You both will have other friends, relationships, perhaps children, and (in my case) artistic pursuits that take up a lot of time. Never get so deluded that you believe you’re the center of anyone’s world – especially your own. Friendship and selfishness don’t get along. You should work to be free of the trappings that cause jealousy.

Always Look For The Open Door

The “open door” is a reference to what leads one to the other. All friends will squabble and bicker, sometimes even fight, but none of this should close the door to each other. In a true friendship, there’s always a way back. You only have to look for it.

Friendship heals, though, even when a friend does wrong to you. If you find that your friend lied, or betrayed you in some way, the friendship will survive if it’s true and if you let it. People make mistakes. The best way to lose a friend is to forget that.

Never Forget Your Roots

In tough times, it’s often a return to our roots that pulls us through. It seems our beginnings are the glue that holds us together. It’s the same for friendship. When times are bad, returning to what brought you together in the first place can heal old wounds, and possibly even bring a renewal to the bond. Always remember, then, where you came from. Usually, this is described on an individualistic basis. Yet it holds true for friends.

Obviously, it takes a lot more than these ten things to make and maintain a friendship. Much of it is indescribable and unnamable. But sometimes we need to stop and think about things, especially where others are concerned. And no two people see the world with the same eyes. The best advice I’ve ever heard on this is in the Janis Joplin song, “Get It While You Can,” which is a song primarily about friendship. And I don’t believe I’ve ever heard truer words than those.