Belief in Nothing Gives Me Hope in Everything
Growing up in a small West Tennessee town, as a Caucasian female, my parents and grandparents taught me the rules on thinking. You must have faith in our God, you must always check Republican at every election for every position, hate against different races is wrong but don’t you dare date outside of yours, and finally never question these rules… its the way my mama thought and her mama and her mama before her etc. etc. and on and on throughout history. When did it become wrong to feel and believe the way you truly believe?
Ever since I can remember, I’ve had faith in something or someone. Every time, that something or someone has let me down or worse. I grew up in the home of an alcoholic who was and still is the most selfish person I know. My mother has never been someone I could trust. After years of neglect, my grandmother became my next guardian. Her way of life was based solely around her faith in God. It worked for her, and I tried my best to live as she did. When I didn’t find that peace or happiness through religion she didn’t have any answers for me. Always a daddy’s girl, I decided to try a life with my father and stepmother. They also had faith in God, yet the only thing lurking in that home was abuse, physical and mental, hypocrisy and guilt.
My senior year through graduation I tried everything to find something I could put my trust in. I tried friends, substances, art, and finally I found myself lost in my hometown and ready to move to a place that no one knew my name. I left Tennessee and moved to Oklahoma. That is where I met my husband. My entire life I was taught how I was to think and believe. I lived my life accordingly even though I doubted most of those things. My husband was someone I could be honest with about my true thoughts without judgement or isolation. He made me feel like it was okay to have a different view or opinion than my family. When I finally declared my independence I lost a lot of people. They didn’t stop talking to me or disown me, but they immediately decided I was troubled and my kids were at risk.
Its a scary, lonely world out there when your faith isn’t where the majority of your peers find it to be. Just being a good person wasn’t and still isn’t ever enough. No one sees that. Once you say you don’t believe in a god or supernatural being you are labeled as someone without a conscience. People find it hard to believe you can be a good person without religion. I’m here to tell you that isn’t true. Everyone with a mentally stable mind knows what is right and what is wrong. When you get into specifics there are many different views, but everyone should work that out on their own turf and live life accordingly.
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