Forgiveness

            Learning to forgive myself has been one of the most difficult tasks of my life. Although what I have come to learn is that if we as human beings go through life with a constant stress of a past occurence or occurences, it will only prevent us from living life to its fullest potential.

When holding an issue within ourselves becomes so deeply embedded in our soul, it creates a brick wall around our hearts, making it almost impossible to care for, become involved with, or even love another. I know this to be true, because me myself has been a victim of holding on to a burden of self blame, self shame, and self hatred over unforgived matters within.

My road to self hatred started when I was a child. My father was an alcoholic that was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. I never truly understood why he was always angry with me as a kid, yet I was not essentially old enough to understand it had a lot to do with his alcoholism. I felt as if he blamed me for everything and that in itself made me blame myself as well. For instance if my older sister walked across the road when it was strictly forbidden, I felt as if I was the one who got blamed for her crossing. Some may say that is not fair, and their right, but sometimes that is how the disease of alcoholism works. For me, growing up and being the face that was always catching the heat from my biological father created me to put up an emotional wall blocking anyone from getting close to my heart.

As the preteen years began, my soul only grew weaker. I had a hard time trusting anyone. As the years past me by and my teenage years approached rapidly I felt a sense of hatred continue to build inside me. In my mind set I figured all I had to do was get out from underneath my fathers rulings then I would feel better about myself as well as my existence in this world. Although what was suppose to be the time of my life, my teenage years, turned into a self destructive habit and a firm hatred towards not only myself but to anyone that tried to get close to my heart and soul.