I have a lot of friends and acquaintances in this world. I consider myself relatively social. One thing we ALL share in common is that EVERYBODY comes with baggage. What I mean is we have all had experiences in our past that have stayed with us. One may have had a bad childhood. One may have had a string of very bad relationships. One may have grief that has stuck with them. One may have suffered traumas that still haunt them. One may have had mother issues. And there are so many other issues that stick with us. Baggage is a normal part of life. Trauma enters into everyones life at some point. What I have also noticed is how that affects our perception of current situations and sometimes life itself.

This will be difficult to explain without examples so I will give a couple of possible stories that most people should be able to identify with or will be able to identify someone in their life who is similar and you may recognize how this baggage affects your or their perception of the now.

1. Terri was brought up in a difficult childhood. Her mother was an alcoholic. Her father was simply absent. By the age of 7, Terri knew how to cook her own breakfast, lunch, and dinner because otherwise she wouldn’t eat. By age 9, Terri was doing the grocery shopping. By 10, Terri was smoking, drinking and doing drugs not only on her own but with her mom. This was actually their bonding time, she felt. Her mother thought all this was fine. She saw Terri as mature and let Terri do whatever she wanted, including going into town for hours by herself. By the time Terri was 12 she was wild. Her mother was finally sobering up and trying to make changes but Terri didn’t understand why she should change. After all this was how her life had been for so long. Terri moved out at 13 years old. Her mother tried to bring her back but Terri would never stay and finally Terri got her way. By age 14 Terri was independently living on her own.

Fast forward…. Now Terri is 24 and has 2 beautiful children of her own. She has stopped being so wild and is a responsible adult. She has a job and a husband. Amazing as it is Terri managed to grow up relatively normal. Terri’s oldest is 8 and doesn’t know how to cook supper. One night Terri gets home from work later than usual. Her husband has already left for work. The kids have been home for a couple of hours by themselves, which Terri sees no problem with because after all they are 6 and 8 and she could take care of herself by then. She comes home to a messy house and no dinner. The kids are both playing video games. Terri is furious. She begins ranting and raving about how she is the only one who does anything in this house and why can’t they wash the dishes and the laundry. Why didn’t they make something for supper? Finally she storms into the kitchen and makes a sandwich. She tells the kids if they want to eat they can do the same and she goes in to take a bath. The kids are crying and do not understand. Mom has always done these things and has never shown them how. They each make a sandwich and go to bed crying.

Terri has forgotten for the moment that she has raised her children to BE children. She has subconsiously flashed back to her own childhood and placed the expectations that were put on her on her own children.

2. Christy was raised in a good home with a single mom who worked A LOT. Christy had babysitters until she was 11 and never had to even clean her own room because her perfectionist mother did it for her. Christy was an only child and was given everything material she could ever want. Spoiled some would say, but not Christy. She longed for time with her mother. She wanted her mother to play games with her and give her hugs. However, mother was often tired and when she wasn’t tired she was working or cleaning. Christy learned to play by herself and how to entertain herself. As she got older her mother never taught her how to cook or clean because her mother thought nobody could ever do it right anyway. When Christy would try to help, her mother would simply start doing it over and complaining how Christy didn’t do it correctly. No matter how hard Christy tried, it seemed nothing she ever did was good enough. Her mother would simply scold her or complain how it was done wrong. Even when she did clean the house and do a good job there was no compliment or pride, only the complaint that Christy could have done this or that as well. As Christy grew older she became spiteful and said hurtful things when her mother complained. As she grew into an adult she realized this was wrong and apologized for it. She tried to do things her mother would be proud of, but even into adulthood she could never do anything to elicit a proud compliment from her mother.

Fast forward…. Now Chrisy is 28. She has a wonderful husband and beautiful children. Christy has a well paying job and she works hard. She hugs her kids and plays with them. She gives them compliments on things they do right. Looks like Christy came out ok. She took what she didn’t like and turned it around. But wait. One day some woman who is older than her at the store makes a comment about how she shouldn’t give her children a snack while shopping for some such stupid reason. Instead of brushing it off and continuing on her way, Christy bursts into tears. She leaves her cart where it is and goes home to her husband in hysterics. She begins wondering if she is a bad mother and what else she is doing wrong. Her husband assures her she is a wonderful mother and not to worry about some busybody at the store that she doesn’t even know. This happens on occasion for years to come.

Fast forward again… Now Christy is 34. She has a new job, because a supervisor at her old job gave her some constructive critism and she burst into tears and left. She has only been at the new job for a couple of months. During a routine training day Christy helps several of her classmates. She is hurt when none of the supervisors compliment her on what a good job she is doing, but continues on. Later in the day she is helping someone next to her and a supervisor scolds her for not paying attention. Christy silently sits in her chair and crys. When break comes she quietly gathers her things and leaves without a word.

Christy is still looking for her mothers approval. Whether she knows it or not she is seeing every person who corrects her or comments negatively to her as her mother. She longs for approval and is despondant when she does not recieve it.

3. Joe is 44 years old and single. He has had a series (8 or 9) really BAD relationships. They all start out well but end with the reality that the woman is a little crazy or violent. Joe is lonely and wants a lifemate to spend his remaining years with. The last 3 girlfriends were long term (meaning over 2 years) but mostly because he tried so hard to hold the relationships together. All of the last three were violent and aggresive. The last one even almost broke his hand with a frying pan.

Finally Joe meets Julie. She is sweet and loving and kind. They fall in love. After a fashion Julie moves in with Joe and they set up house together. Both of them work and support the house. They spend time together and seem to fit well. Then Julie goes through the loss of her mother. This causes her to go into a depression, as grief often does. Joe becomes distant and moody. Julie gets sadder because she feels she is losing him. Joe gets more distant. He starts asking other people if he made another bad choice. Instead of being there for Julie he works more and goes visiting when he isn’t working.

Joe is subconsciously trying to protect himself. He sees Julies depression as a catalyst for violence. He won’t say it but he is afraid. He is subconsciously comparing her to his series of bad relationships. Because of this Joe drives Julie away and he is then lonely and depressed himself. He adds her to the list of nutcases, when really she was just going through one of life’s normal little rough spots.

4. Tammy is 50 years old. She is a hard worker. She is happy and social and friendly. One day Tammy goes to the store and a nice looking young man gets behind her in line. She notices him because he looks so much like her son and it makes her smile. Suddenly the young man pulls out a gun and puts it to her head. He tells the cashier to clean out the drawer or he will shoot this woman. Tammy is terrified. The cashier stops for a moment in shock. This is enough to make the boy very angry and he shoots the gun off into the ceiling as a warning. Tammy trembles. The cashier immediatly does as he was told and the young man grabs the money and releases Tammy, who collapses. The boy leaves.

Fast forward… Tammy has now been in counseling for 8 months. This event traumatized her so much that she was hospitalized and even after her release she refused to leave the house or see anyone but her sister. Today however is her daughter’s birthday. Her daughter has agreed to keep it only to immediate family if only her mother would try and come. Tammy loves her daughter so she agrees to go. As promised it is only Tammy’s sister and brother, her son and his wife and her daughter and boyfriend. Tammy is however obviously uneasy. She will not look at her son or her daughter’s boyfriend at all. She stays off to herself in the corner chair for most of the event and leaves right after cake. Later her sister goes to check on her at home and Tammy is lying in bed upset. Tammy’s sister asks her what was wrong and tells her that the boys were worried and mildy concerned that they did something wrong. Tammy informs her sister that she was shaken by the fact that both boys looked like her assailant and that her daughter’s new boyfriend was even kind of aggresive. Tammy’s sister explains that she did not see him become angry or aggresive but Tammy is certain of it and refuses to be around him again.

Tammy is projecting on anyone who is relatively similar to the boy who assaulted her. Her son and the daughter’s boyfriend look nothing alike and yet they both remind her of this other boy because they are similar in age and gender. Tammy does not see it because she is so afraid and traumatized that this is her perception of reality.

Ok, so some of these examples were extreme and others could be you or your neighbor, but you get the picture. Our perception of our reality IS affected by the events in our past. Whether we like it or not. Whether we can see it or not. This is true for everybody. I can hear you saying “not me” but I will all but guarantee you that it is. Some of you will walk away from this article and look at other people to see this. Others will look at themselves and see it. Some will do both and still some of you will say I’m full of it and not give it another thought. Whatever you do with this information is up to you and that is your choice. I felt the need to share it because of circumstances that have happened in my own life and things I have witnessed. Maybe this will help some of you better understand yourselves, your friends, or your neighbors. Maybe the next time someone reacts oddly to something that doesn’t make sense to you, you will remember that they have their reasons.

Everyone has baggage. And every action causes another action. I hope this will also make you think of the things you say and do in your life. How are you projecting your reality upon the world? Are you leaving a positive mark or are you leaving a scar? It can’t always be helped if someone else is perceiving things because of their own baggage but we can do our best not to leave others with more than they already carry by speaking kindly and honestly.

And maybe, just maybe, you will figure out what your baggage is and how you perceive things because of it or project yourself because of it. Maybe you will then begin the process of dealing with the baggage so that you can move on without it’s influence.