The Bill of (What Used to Be Your) Rights

The First Ten Amendments to the United States Constitution

Bill of Rights*

*Perhaps this document is better described as “Bill of Things Which Used to be Our Rights”.

Amendment I:  Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof unless those exercising it are decided not to be politically correct (or even worse, intolerant); or abridging the freedom of speech unless it is believed to be offensive to [insert random group with a current protected status at the moment], or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances unless the government doesn’t want them to.

Amendment II:  A well regulated militia, being completely unnecessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed, and you may not protect yourself or your family, even though criminals will find access to any kind of weapon they want.

Amendment III:  No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.  However you will have to pay for a lot of unnecessary warfare, with your unconstitutional income taxes that we use to steal the money that is rightfully yours.

Amendment IV:  The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.  All of this amendment can be ignored after the Patriot Act is passed.

Amendment V:  No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall however private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI:  In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy slow and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII:  In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.  However, the value of 20 dollars will become worthless due to the unsound monetary policy which we will implement.

Amendment VIII:  Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted except when we do it to people in military camps throughout the world.

Amendment IX:  The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people unless you are a Republican or Democrat in the modern sense, in which case, you can pick and choose which rights to keep and which ones to throw away.

Amendment X:  The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people until we have bloated the federal government so much that this will no longer be possible.