You Do Whatever You Want: An Open Letter to All Members of Congress

Oh, please forgive me for wasting your precious time too. I know how valuable it is. It must be valuable because you can’t be bothered with such menial tasks as actually taking the time to read the legislation before you vote on it. You’re probably not reading this either. That task has already been delegated to a member of your staff. That basically goes without saying doesn’t it? We wouldn’t want you to get a paper cut.

Well, maybe that staff member can break away from that box of donuts for a brief moment, waddle over to you, relay this message and extend my warmest, heart-felt regards. I can at least hope for that. Then I will eagerly await your preformatted response with various insults to my intelligence that will be a pathetic attempt on your part to give me the impression that you actually care what the people think. I will of course take that with the usual grain of salt that I take with your typical poorly scripted and acted portrayals of sincerity. No academy award winning performances there, I assure you.

Oh, I was wondering: is it still legal for me to use my first amendment right to free speech? The way you people are trashing the Constitution, I have to wonder what part will be under siege today. You know, since you people think that the Constitution is a “Living, Breathing Document.” Unfortunately, you’ve been choking the life out of it and it’s currently on life support. I also suspect that the plug will soon be pulled.

Could you people possibly prostitute yourselves any more than you already do? Do you find yourself taking three hour long showers, as you try to wash away the various excretions left upon you by the many lobbyists who defile both you and the political process? Oh, I forgot for a moment that you don’t actually have a conscience. Of course you don’t feel dirty. You have no feelings of remorse; only because you have no conscience.

I find it so amusing when you are campaigning and you stop at a fast food place to make it look like you are regular people, almost like you’re one of us. Then after you get elected, you propose a fat tax on the same burgers you ate on the campaign stop. Not to mention the fact that you were helped into office by the support of trial lawyers who sue the same fast food restaurants for serving fattening foods to people who waddle into the place every day to eat a super-sized meal.

You know, if you rammed one of those burgers down your throat as fast as you try to ram legislation through, it would pose a serious choking hazard. Then maybe everyone there would be afraid to administer the Heimlich Maneuver for fear of not doing it right and being sued. That’s because we know how much you people hate tort reform.

Actually, I personally wouldn’t want to see you choke on a Whopper. That would be a total waste of a perfectly good burger. Got you there didn’t I? You almost thought I felt remorse for what I said. Just like you feel remorse for the things you do.