I wish I had been told the secret of greater domestic serenity when I was married four decades ago. Being young, with a husband still finishing his undergraduate degree and headed for MBA graduate school, I lacked the maturity to separate my feelings from the issues. I couldn’t understand what all the fights were about. I say this because I later returned to graduate school and earned a Masters Degree in Community Counseling in 1996. Two grown children and one divorce later, I wish I had been aware of what I have since identified as the two most essential factors of any conflict resolution: knowing who owns the problem and understanding the concept of boundaries.

1. “Who owns the problem?” If you make a bad decision, don’t expect another person to clean up your mess. Rely on your own resources first, and then look to your family or other networks, while still taking responsibility. If you broke it, fix it. When you tell the Judge that you missed your court date because of traffic, expect him to say, “That’s not my problem.” This classic example is illustrative because it is true. When applied to issues such as lack of good judgment, irresponsibility, property damage, etc. that often occur with teenagers, the message is the same: don’t expect Mom or Dad to make everything better. This is called “enabling,” and will be mentioned again.

2. “Maintain your boundaries.” More importantly, respect the boundaries of others! Be appropriate when shifting burdens to others outside your circle of friends and family. If you encounter a challenge beyond your control, don’t expect others to sacrifice for your sake- unless they volunteer. This depends upon the degree of urgency, but don’t presume others will bail you out. If you don’t want to tell your parents that you got an expensive ticket for speeding, don’t expect your best friend to loan you the money for the fine. He has boundaries, too, and he wasn’t driving your car. His priorities are also different from yours. The benefit of taking responsibility for your own actions is a lesson well learned. An easy way to assess boundaries is to apply the Golden Rule. If you would not want to be put in the awkward position of loaning your friend money in order to conceal the truth from his parents, don’t put another person in that awkward position either. Maturity makes the concept more reasonable.

Regarding “enabling,” the burden really rests on the shoulders of the parent or guardian to recognize when “tough love” is appropriate to administer. Often parents want to protect their children from harsh realities, but the principle of taking responsibility for one’s actions can only be postponed; it cannot be permanently avoided. Everyone learns their life lessons, and it’s far better to learn them sooner than later. Enabling occurs when a parent or guardian steps in to forestall the natural and logical consequences of behavior. For instance, parents may bail out a teenager from jail after an arrest for drug possession, under-age drinking, petty theft, etc. By doing so, parents are rescuing their children from more than just the charges they face. They are teaching the children that they can avoid responsibility for their actions, as long as someone else will step in and make all negative consequences go away. This assumption can also undermine professional progress and personal maturity.

A night in jail may seem like cruel and unusual punishment to a juvenile offender, but he will learn a lasting lesson. Otherwise, the offender will continue to offend, as long as he can find a way to wiggle off the hook. At some point in time, no one will be there to save the day, and there is a good chance that the anti-social behavior will have escalated to criminal behavior by the time the offender is forced to face the consequences. These issues often bleed over to the next generation, and the enabling continues. The accepted norms within a family vary greatly, but knowing the boundaries, expectations, and consequences of bad behavior can go a long way toward identifying the factors that contribute most to resolving conflicts within a family. The family is a unit made up of different individuals with different goals.

While subbing as a teacher’s aide in a developmentally delayed kindergarten class, I met an elementary student who had been taught the consequences of acting out in the classroom. After an outburst and a reprimand by the teacher, the student automatically retired to a large closet where he ran around in small laps for a designated amount of time, and then returned to his seat. He had learned the natural and logical consequences of his behavior, even at his young age. He understood his own boundaries and the boundaries of the teacher. This is more than many adults learn much later in life.