How Tough Love Can Really Be
That old saying is true: it’s when they’re the most unlovable that they need love the most…
Dealing with a bipolar, depressed, or otherwise mentally ill teenager is so far from what we, as parents, expect or hope for. Most of us think that after 17, 18, 19 years spent parenting, we’ll finally be off the hook and free from the constraints of monitoring, lecturing, disciplining, watching, feeding, clothing…we never think, in a million years, that we’ll be more trapped than ever in some ways.
Young teenagers are self-centered. It’s a given and no surprise when puberty rears its ugly head. They become rude, sarcastic, and those eyerolls! Still we parents must berate the behavior and wait for the blessed end of that first pubescent surge which tangles the emotions of our once-sweet little angels, which seems to coat their young tongues with a bitter edge. Usually we are relieved to experience burgeoning independence, less “mouthiness”, more kindness towards others as the young morph into older adolescents. But some never seem to reach the next plateau. Their “common sense” never kicks in, their sense of “right and wrong” never emerges, their narcissism never dissipates–they’re stuck in perpetual pubescence. And it’s HELL to live with.
I’ve frequently “lost it” with my oldest daughter over the last few months. I’m not proud of it, but I also give myself sort of a break; I’ve been dealing with her disrespect and seeming disregard for anyone else in the family-not to mention worry when she downcycles and sleeps too much or goes manic and runs out “with friends”-since she was twelve, and even before that she was “a challenging child.” When she was two she had six temper tantrums a day, sometimes for no reason that I could discern. At almost twenty she still has temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, or sometimes for no reason at all. Living with her is a 24-hr-a-day exercise in patience, and I was NEVER known for patience…in fact just the opposite. I have to give her the same lectures for the same things I did when she was thirteen–I even have to give her the same lectures I gave her when she was five: “We have to remember to share,” “You can’t scream just because you can’t have what you want this minute,” “We have rights too and you can’t just roll rover them.” and on and on and on. It’s enough to make my previous thick head of hair become thinner than a Hollywood starlet.
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Post CommentBigBro
On December 16, 2007 at 12:17 am
Wow…nice going! And keep writing about this – it’ll help you deal, and help others in the same boat not feel like they’re all alone.
Matt
On December 16, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Susan,
You are trying and that it is the most important thing. It is refreshing to know that you keep in mind that it is your job as a parent to turn all of your children into productive members of socioty. You have figured out that it is a bad idea to hold all of your children to the same standards because it will only hurt them more if they can not make it happen. I have some advise from one parent to another who has endured some of the same problems. Try this, next time your child throws a temper tantrum, take her to her room and leave. turn and walk out the door. Find something that you know relaxes her and incorporate it into the act. This will probably not work the first few times, maybe even ten times. Be persistant and consistant. Do not negotiate. This is the worst thing you can do. Never ever ever negotiate. It may seem esier but it will hurt her more in the long run. Structure as many things as you can. Schedule a time for meals, schedule chores, be consistant with punishment, and most of all, be consistant with time you spend having fun with them. They need an outlet. The more problematic the child, the more structure is required. Because children with bipolar disorder have extreme mood swings, you have to reduce the amount of triggers. Because she will know what time dinner is, and she knows that you will not bend any rules for her, there is nothing to argue about. There will still be the problem of outright defiance, but take heart because she will learn that there is nobody worse to opose and you will teach her. If you feel you are being to rigid, then spend more positive time without any punishment. Find something they like and go out of your way to share time doing these things with her. But stay with the structure. When she throws a temper tantrum, it is for attention. Show her that nobody cares and nobody wants to see her cry or listen to her scream. Don\’t argue. You cannot reason with her at a time like that. Do not for an instance become defensive. Ignore her complaints no matter how dramatic. Once she is calm, if she brings it up, talk about it. If not, drop it. She will feel rejected and think you don\’t care about her problems at times. But she will change her mind when you reinforce your standing with positive time. You will find that in time, she will express herself more during positive time than using the fits as an outlet because there will be more positive time than temper tantrums. The sickness may never be cured, but instead of learning to cope with her, teach her to cope with her surroundings. Always remember this. You are the bad guy, you are the hero, and you are the one who is responsible for her development. Good luck.
Jen
On December 20, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I like it. I wish others could see it that way. You really hit the nail on the head about the line between what she can and can’t control. It is really hard to know where that line is. It seems to dance around so you can never quite know.
Teresa
On March 18, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Thank you for writing this article. I too have a 19 year old son with bi-polar who sounds much like your daughter. We have had very caring psychiatrists, therapists, teachers and care workers say that we need to set a limit (in his case, not smoking pot) and kick him out if he crosses the line. This does not feel right to me and I can only picture him getting into worse trouble and worse drugs if left on his own. Sadly, that was the case for another young man in our area with mental health issues who just brutally murdered his grandmother. Tough love sounds good but I’d like to see a study involving older children with bi-polar to see if the results are positive or just dangerous.