How Tough Love Can Really Be
That old saying is true: it’s when they’re the most unlovable that they need love the most…
The horrific tragedy that occurred in Omaha recently has highlighted-at least it should-a troubling issue concerning older adolescents and mental illness. I watched some interviews of friends/family who knew the killer intimately, and they knew. They didn’t acknowledge his problems or understand the extent of them, but they knew he had them. I’m frustrated by what too many in our society do: they ignore obvious signs of mental illness because they want to believe it will just go away, that all he/she needs is maturity and discipline…it’s a fallacy.
Don’t leave a troubled young person to his/her own devices. They don’t have any. Don’t expect an obviously mood disordered teenager to make rational decisions or base choices on reality. They have a “funhouse mirror” image of reality. That boy in Omaha couldn’t see a better day tomorrow because a mood disordered young person has no concept of future; what life is like RIGHT NOW is what it will ALWAYS be like FOREVER. In his addled mind, he had nothing to lose and at least some recognition to gain. He wouldn’t die alone like he felt he lived. Another symptom of mood disorder–they feel isolated to the point of physical pain. These teens don’t know how to reach out, don’t know how to ask for help when they’re in the throes of the disease. They only know the extreme, unbearable emotional pain of the moment. To them, that’s all that is real.
We need to be more observant as a society. If someone you know just doesn’t seem “right,” he’s probably NOT. Don’t remain silent. Reach out and get help for the person. If family members just can’t handle it anymore, there are places that will help. Most communities will have some sort of facility designed to house homeless mentally ill people. They are taken to doctors, receive counseling, and are given job training and even jobs through local cooperative programs. There IS help for those who need it. Even calling authorities or a hospital is better than letting these helpless, dangerous individuals flounder and fall. Listen to your instincts and act on them. Always.
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Post CommentBigBro
On December 16, 2007 at 12:17 am
Wow…nice going! And keep writing about this – it’ll help you deal, and help others in the same boat not feel like they’re all alone.
Matt
On December 16, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Susan,
You are trying and that it is the most important thing. It is refreshing to know that you keep in mind that it is your job as a parent to turn all of your children into productive members of socioty. You have figured out that it is a bad idea to hold all of your children to the same standards because it will only hurt them more if they can not make it happen. I have some advise from one parent to another who has endured some of the same problems. Try this, next time your child throws a temper tantrum, take her to her room and leave. turn and walk out the door. Find something that you know relaxes her and incorporate it into the act. This will probably not work the first few times, maybe even ten times. Be persistant and consistant. Do not negotiate. This is the worst thing you can do. Never ever ever negotiate. It may seem esier but it will hurt her more in the long run. Structure as many things as you can. Schedule a time for meals, schedule chores, be consistant with punishment, and most of all, be consistant with time you spend having fun with them. They need an outlet. The more problematic the child, the more structure is required. Because children with bipolar disorder have extreme mood swings, you have to reduce the amount of triggers. Because she will know what time dinner is, and she knows that you will not bend any rules for her, there is nothing to argue about. There will still be the problem of outright defiance, but take heart because she will learn that there is nobody worse to opose and you will teach her. If you feel you are being to rigid, then spend more positive time without any punishment. Find something they like and go out of your way to share time doing these things with her. But stay with the structure. When she throws a temper tantrum, it is for attention. Show her that nobody cares and nobody wants to see her cry or listen to her scream. Don\’t argue. You cannot reason with her at a time like that. Do not for an instance become defensive. Ignore her complaints no matter how dramatic. Once she is calm, if she brings it up, talk about it. If not, drop it. She will feel rejected and think you don\’t care about her problems at times. But she will change her mind when you reinforce your standing with positive time. You will find that in time, she will express herself more during positive time than using the fits as an outlet because there will be more positive time than temper tantrums. The sickness may never be cured, but instead of learning to cope with her, teach her to cope with her surroundings. Always remember this. You are the bad guy, you are the hero, and you are the one who is responsible for her development. Good luck.
Jen
On December 20, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I like it. I wish others could see it that way. You really hit the nail on the head about the line between what she can and can’t control. It is really hard to know where that line is. It seems to dance around so you can never quite know.
Teresa
On March 18, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Thank you for writing this article. I too have a 19 year old son with bi-polar who sounds much like your daughter. We have had very caring psychiatrists, therapists, teachers and care workers say that we need to set a limit (in his case, not smoking pot) and kick him out if he crosses the line. This does not feel right to me and I can only picture him getting into worse trouble and worse drugs if left on his own. Sadly, that was the case for another young man in our area with mental health issues who just brutally murdered his grandmother. Tough love sounds good but I’d like to see a study involving older children with bi-polar to see if the results are positive or just dangerous.