People Don’t Understand

People don’t really understand what it is like to be diagnosed with a mental illness and be so severely ill that it precludes you from being able to work for a living hence, necessitating being on Social Security Disability Income. People have told me recently how lucky I am to be freed from having to work and do whatever you want to do during the day. It doesn’t work that way.

First of all, it’s a dog’s life, there’s no honor in it and this is definitely not what I went to school for as a business student years ago. It is quite humiliating.

Being sick is stigmatizing. People can understand it if you have a broken foot etc. but they have a hard time comprehending a troubled psyche. One of my old friends from my public school days, who himself has trouble relating to a boss, told me “You have a really good scam.” One day, he might wind up like me.

Also, with all that free time, I have to structure my own day. A day can be pretty long when you have to figure out what to do with all the time when you are awake. Especially, considering how I am not a day program right now. I am in a pickle.

Phillip Birnbaum’s Book of Jewish Concepts, states that work dignifies a person. And I really liked the days when I was gainfully employed as a computer programmer/analyst, but one day I lost my job during a downsizing. I worked for another company and was fired for being too slow and I have been unable to get back up on my feet again for 13 years.

I was so depressed when I first was on SSDI that I was sleeping about 16 or more hours a day. Quite simply, I really never wanted to wake up again.

Over the years, I have been a member of a number of mental health organizations and I was a leader in one of them. I even gave speeches on the State House in Trenton, NJ. But due to my political incorrectness I wound up losing my position there too and all the positive things I was trying to accomplish simply fell apart and were destroyed.

Essentially, I became my own worst enemy. Then again, that’s usually the case. The person who looks back at you in the mirror is the real enemy, i.e., the internal enemy. WE have met the enemy and the enemy is us.