Surviving Suicide

Suicide. Just the word evokes unease and usually a desire to change the subject. Until someone you love takes their own life. Then suicide becomes personal and takes on a whole new meaning. At times, for some it takes over their entire sense of being.

First the guilt consumes you. You lay awake at night wondering what you could have said or done to change their mind. You convince yourself that if you would have known how they felt you would’ve been able to stop them. That’s how I felt when my husband killed himself, leaving me alone to raise our toddler and one day have to explain his father’s death.
Years later I learned that even if you do know, you still might not be able to stop them. That’s right. I have survived the suicide of two loved ones; my husband, and seven years later my father. My husband’s death took me by complete surprise. It was a nightmarish shock. I knew my father was going to do it. I was talking to him on the phone, begging and pleading with him not to do it, I was 803 miles away. I learned the true torturous meaning of helpless that day. The next phone call I received mere hours later was my brother trying to get the words out that Dad was gone.

Devastation doesn’t even begin to describe it. The shame, the guilt, the never-ending echo of “why?” eat at you in so many different ways. Sometimes, just when you think you’re doing okay, something will happen and it will all instantly spring forth in your mind and threaten to overtake you yet again.

People deal with grief in many different ways. The important thing to remember is that there is no set way one should handle it. There are many books and support groups available out there and Friends for Survival is a good place for suicide survivors to start. What helped me initially was knowing that I wasn’t alone. Finding out there are millions of other people who have lived through the suicide of a loved one gave me hope that I too would survive. “No Time to Say Goodbye,” by Carla Fine is one of the best books available to suicide survivors. It’s extremely well written, very honest and more helpful than anything else I’ve read. Part 6 of the book lists organizations, support group information and resource material.

Surviving suicide is a horrible enough experience for adults, but just try thinking about how you would explain it to a child. It is simply explaining the unexplainable. If we don’t truly understand suicide and why our loved one took their life, how do we answer the innocent questions of children? It’s a very delicate process and no two children are the same, as no two suicides are the same. Not only do I have to find a way to explain his father’s suicide to my son, I also have to find a way to explain my father’s suicide to him. Maybe by the time he asks I’ll have better insight and more information. I already have the required love and understanding.