Transferring Emotion Because We Find It Familiar

Carl Jung wrote: Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselveologys.

How fitfully true.

I had a friendly acquaintance who used to annoy me, so badly, until I realized that we weren’t so different. She used to throw herself at men, seeking their acceptance in an attempt to feel valuable. I used to watch her parade around in inappropriate clothing, flirting too hard with men who had little intention of offering more than a one night stand. And if you tried talking to her about it, she would Claim that she didn’t want a relationship, and enjoyed the flings. However, one night with a man and she was talking about long term issues; very difficult to get through to. I thought it was strange that I should react so emotionally and negatively to her actions, why they bothered me on such a base level. Then I realized, I’d been that girl. There was a time in my youth when I so wanted to be ‘special’ that I allowed myself to be used. Not just allowed, put into play situations where, for however short a time, I was wanted. It never led to more than deeper self loathing and loneliness. I was angry with her for not recognizing what I had already learned, that you have to value yourself enough to say no to valueless ‘relationships’.

I knew a woman whose very nature used to infuriate me. She would act, and I would feel not pity or empathy, but rather callousness and anger. She expected the world to serve to her the things she wanted and needed, without having to put forth any effort or appreciation. It used to make me livid how spoiled she acted, how ungrateful and childish she was. She was supposed to be the adult to her children, not be the brattiest person in the house. When she didn’t get what she wanted, she would have a full blown fit and stomp around, use lengthy guilt trips, and generally make people so uncomfortable that eventually they would give in. I wanted to shake her and tell her to grow up. Why did I feel so vehemently about her behavior? It took me long enough to put it together; I was her. Not literally, mind you. But I behaved terribly most of my young adulthood. I was selfish and spoiled, my family walked on eggshells around me. It is one of the things for which I am most ashamed. I grew up though, and I stopped behaving so poorly. This girl never did. I think the part that most affected me was that we had similar lives, and I couldn’t understand how I came to the conclusion that it was time to be an adult, and she didn’t.

I can go one, offer other instances where my life paralleled the powerful words of Carl Jung, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I want this piece to start the cogs moving on how we look at people in our lives. Instead of being annoyed and angered by their behavior, we should instead step back and look at the big picture. Perhaps we should be reacting with kindness instead. Are we impatient with their behavior because we’re angry at ourselves for not being stronger as well? Do we hate things about others because we’re too scared to hate it in ourselves? Transferring our emotions to another person is easier than dealing with it internally, sure, but then no one grows.