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10 Reasons Why We Hurt the Ones We Love

I love you, but I can’t help hurting you. Why? What are the inner mechanisms behind such an irrational behaviour?

  1. We’re angry and frustrated with ourselves. By trying to hurt them, we try in fact to hurt ourselves. We think we don’t deserve anything good, so we aim at the good things we have in life and unconsciously try to destroy them.
  2. We expect too much from them. We nurture the secret hope that they can help us, that they can do all the things we are not capable of doing; moreover, that they have to do them, because of the love we invest in them. When they don’t, we feel disappointed and the natural instinct is to make them regret.
  3. They are the ones who have the courage to be honest and tell us the truth, even when it hurts. And even though we know it is the truth, it still hurts and the pain can cause violent reactions.
  4. Yes, we love them dearly but there are things about them that annoy us terribly and we know we’re never going to be able to change them. It’s like living with our own body. Sometimes it is a blessing, other times a nuisance. Sometimes it gives us a lot of satisfaction, other times it drives us mad, but there is not much we can do about it cause it’s ours.
  5. We feel misunderstood. We wish they could make a journey inside our head and see things the way we see them, just because we think it is the right way. We simply can’t understand why they think differently and how they can miss something that seems so simple and obvious to us.
  6. We misunderstand them because we’re not always willing to try to understand them. When we feel tired and tormented, burdened with our own faults and deficiencies, we find it difficult to deal with theirs.
  7. We are influenced by what we see and hear on TV. Violence, melodramatic scenes, pain and suffering, self-destruction – they all can leave marks in our subconscious and develop patterns that make us think and react in a certain way. Sometimes we are tempted to do what our favorite soap opera character would do, even if that means hurting the one we love.
  8. We love them but in the same time we hate them because they know our weaknesses and there’s no way we can hide. The mask we wear in relation with other people is put aside and all the things we usually try to hide come to the surface.
  9. We hurt them to give them comfort later. We all have the inner need to cuddle, to protect the ones we love and we feel we have the right to hurt them for the very reason that we love them so much and we’ll make up for it later.
  10. We trust them and we know deep in our hearts that, no matter what we do, they won’t stop loving us. We feel safe to take our frustrations on them because we think there will be no consequences. We hurt them most of the times because they let us hurt them.
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User Comments
  1. Rhianna

    On November 29, 2007 at 8:38 am

    This is all so true, and yet even when we know all of this it is still inevitable that we end up hurting the ones we love most or worse still they hurt us.

  2. Sarah

    On May 11, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    I wish I could stop but I just can’t. All of these reasons are so true. I wish I could give him the love he deserves without all the pain in the middle.

  3. better in time

    On May 16, 2008 at 9:49 pm

    i cheated on him.. but i have my reason.. i love him most, faithfully for the past 4yrs but it wasn’t reciprocated.. i got tired of him.. if only i had enough from him.. i could have not done it.. but it was to late now..

  4. it's easy

    On September 15, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    positive relationships require a “selfish” like behavior in the sense that while focusing on the love that each of you have you also need to focus on providing yourself with the respect that you know you deserve. if you don’t deserve to be yelled at, walk away. if you don’t deserve to yell, remove yourself from the situation. in whatever you do, ask yourself, “am i deserving of this? is this respecting ones-self?”

  5. it should'nt have to be this way

    On November 21, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Everything was so exact. I hate it but its true. I hurt him over and over again and i hate it. I love him so much and he deserves better from me. And the worse thing is, he takes it. I feel like such a horrible person and yet so in control. Its not a good feeling.

  6. man

    On January 11, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    i get easily annoyed with her and i end up hurting her sometimes.. i regret it all of course and i say im sorry and all.. im trying to control myself because i never loved so much a woman like i love her. maybe its because of my insecurity. i must trust her more and have less negative thoughts on my mind. its a long distance relationship though..


    On January 11, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    I am the same way, all this is so true its scary. I guess I hate myself and think I don’t deserve to be loved. I’ve pushed away every guy who has ever felt anything for me, in hopes that he’ll take it and come back to me, thats the only way i know of, the test of how i would know he really loves me. I want to know he’s strong enough to take it. I feel violent but at the same time I want to make every thing better. I want to make his pain go away, maybe pushing him away is my way of protecting him from me and my self sabotaging behaviours, and end up hurting him by pushing him away. I’m so confused by these feelings. Why am i like this? Why do i continue to isolate myself? Its wrong to think this way, but its how i feel. I’m so glad i’m not alone on this, but at the same time i’m sad for the everyone i have hurt. If I try to explain this to him, he might understand or might be freaked out and turn his back on me like the rest. I don’t know what to do, I want to change but I don’t know how.

  8. michael

    On March 26, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    So true. i thought i was the only one that felt that way. i think it comes down to self hatred and we go out of our way to take hostages and make them feel the pain we are experiencing. which of course is not morally right, but we do it anyways. we always target the ones that are closest to us who only in their good hearts reach out to help us. we are very lonely and want other people to suffer with us. “MISERY LOVES COMPANY”

  9. Sailingseahag1968

    On April 15, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Wow. Alot of this sounds so familiar. I am at the end of a relationship now with the only person I have ever felt so strongly about. I opened up my heart to this person and they had no idea how hard that is for me. I have such a barrier around me and I find it hard to let people near me. After the honey moon phase started to settle we would have problems and I would go away to isolate and this was a big problem. I guess I always thought he would be there for me. Does is make sense when i say that I felt like he sucked the life enrgy from me and I had none for myself. Does anyone even understand what I am trying to convey. Relatioships take so much hard work. Yet we keep falling in this pit and this time I don’t think we are able to climb out. He says I never told him I loved him. Just because I didn’t say didn’t mean I didn’t feel it. I still do. I ache because I feel like I am being torn apart inside. I wish I knew how to communicate this to him, but I don’t know how. I have just thrown away the man I love. He is not perfect, but he was perfect for me.

  10. abrasive

    On May 18, 2009 at 10:50 pm your all depressing….quit treating people like crap before they get sick of putting up with u

  11. Lost My Lover for Life

    On July 15, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    You are so wright about that you can only treat people so bad before they get tried of you. I feel like I don’t know what to do with a woman who has never brought anything to this 8yr relationship but Love and Understanding.I have hurt them so bad and they have told me that in these years together the only hurt that was greater was the lost of both of her parents.She put so much in this relatioship that she is so angry.What’s a person to do

  12. Zach

    On November 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Please all of you go to the enotalone forums the people they will help you the best they can.

  13. rabia

    On May 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    its all true but i am cheating my own dear frined where i work new girl came 4 job she is quite beautiful i cant stop my self after going her i am in trap cant stop my self from her on other side cant leave my friend

  14. knn murthy

    On January 27, 2012 at 2:28 am

    love is god. love is light. try to understand. don’t hurt with negative attitude and feelings. a small plant can become a big tree with beautiful leaves, flowers, fruits only with few qty of water. similarly, if you give love, you will get love 10 times. love is light. go to a temple, god is the symbol of love always smiling
    light gives positive note and hopes for life.

    unnecessarily don’t hurt and never repeat the same mistakes again and again. all are human beings. nobody is perfect. try to accept each others mistake and find a solution.

    knn murthy

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