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10 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

There are degrees of narcissism. Some are more severe than others. Some are merely annoying egomaniacs. Others are axe murderers. But if you are in a relationship that has left you feeling frustrated and you’re not sure why, you may well be with a narcissist. Here are a few signs to watch for.

Narcissis, as many know, was the legendary character who fell in love with his own reflection. A narcissist is someone who, usually due to childhood trauma or over-doting parents, has become obsessed with himself. Some cases are so severe that the person becomes disconnected from reality and fails to maintain mutually beneficial relationships with other people.

I had a few indications that the guy I was dating was pretty self-centered, but frankly I didn’t think about it much. Then one day, I was at his house, standing beside him in the kitchen, and he was putting butter on a roll. He turned to walk away, taking a bite out of the roll, and left me standing there. At that time, we had only been dating a couple of months.

A big red flag went up. To me, it seemed abnormal to prepare the roll and eat it, while offering me nothing. This might not seem like a big deal, but it was combined with a couple of other things that gave me the first inkling that I was dating a narcissist.

My family is rife with narcissists, so I grew up thinking selfish behavior was normal. To this day (despite years of therapy) I display a high tolerance for self-centered people. As a result, I attract these relationships like a pair of black pants attracts cat hair.

There are degrees of narcissism. Some are more severe than others. Some are merely annoying egomaniacs. Others are axe murderers. But if you are in a relationship that has left you feeling frustrated and you’re not sure why, you may well be with a narcissist. Here are a few signs to watch for.

Lack of Empathy

Because a narcissist is, by definition, someone who is completely self-involved, he has little or no ability to perceive how someone else is feeling. Worse, when feelings are explained to him, he doesn’t care. It’s his feelings that matter. Understandably, this opens a Pandora’s Box of problems within relationships.

Social Ineptitude

Some narcissists can’t pay attention to what others are saying. My most recent one had a habit of walking away in the middle of a conversation, or lapsing off to watch T.V. while someone was talking to him. If I had anything to say to him, I always had to be careful there were no electronic distractions, such as T.V., radio, etc. I had the best luck with keeping my statements succinct. At a party, he would project his own thoughts, but never asked questions of others. As a result there was no give and take. “The conversation,” my brother said after meeting him the second time, “falls flat.”

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  1. Earthwolf

    On July 13, 2008 at 1:37 pm


    This article was really interesting. You seemed to put a lot of thought into what you wrote. I always find personality disorders interesting, and sadly, narcistic personality disorder is more common than people might think, and it can be infuriating to deal with someone with the disorder.

    I don’t know if I agree that narcissism can’t be cured. It doesn’t seem to be as uncurable as something like antisocial disorder, since it seems more cognitive-based than directly biological. I would think that if someone you love is a narcissist, you could encourage him/her to undergo cognitive therapy, and though it might not rid that person of the disorder completely, it might eliminate some of the symptoms and allow that individual to change his/her thinking pattern.

  2. Wendy

    On July 24, 2008 at 12:31 am


    I dated a narcissist for almost four years. It was a horrible experience, that has forever altered my mind, my decisions and thoughts.

    You doubt yourself, and who you are… you are constantly wanting, needing love and affection, and it never comes. Its almost as if the narcissist doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t care, and does not want to be bothered with your emotions.

    I have been destroyed.

  3. JustMe

    On August 19, 2008 at 10:13 am


    Boy, can I identify with this. Dating several narcissists over the years has also changed my self-esteem and personality.

    I am a ‘giver’ and need to feel ‘needed’, but the narcissist uses this to his advantage… he lets you get close enough to keep you giving him what he needs, but never lets you close enough to give you what you need… you come away having given everything you’ve got, and have become emotionally empty and physically drained.

  4. healing the rip in my soul

    On August 25, 2008 at 5:50 pm


    I was married to a narcissis for 11 years. I knew something was abnormal about this man, but it was hard to see through his mind games, and professional manipulative and lying skills. We both had good jobs through the county we lived. We both were politicially involved. This man was without a doubt in my mind, the devil himself. We purchased a 300,000.00 home in 2005, in 2006 he decided overnight, that he did not want to be married to me anymore, and that he was putting the house up for sale. I found out he was divorcing me for another woman. I was devestated. This man actually tried to replace my entire self with this woman. He used his political influence to have me court ordered out of my 300,000.00 beautiful home. He moved his girlfriend in with him. The attorney that was representing me took my money and ran. She did absolutely nothing for me. It was through my attorney’s incompetence that my husband was able to remove my name off the title deed of the marital residence and place his girlfriend’s name on the marital residence. We were still married. It has truly been a living HELL!, I never thought people in this life could be so utterly cruel. We are divorced now, and he married the woman that he dumped me for. He and this woman conjured up lies on top of convincing lies, had me arrested and terminated from my place of employment with the county based on pure lies. But because I am a black woman, I was charged for being black, because in this county when you are black you are guilty, no matter if you were in another country when the incident occurred. I am in the process of suing for racial discrimination. Oh to make it even more complicated. My husband is white, and now is on his 5th wife. I am black, naive, and very loving and forgiving. The girlfriend is mexican, and is a narcissis too. Anyway I pray for you, you pray for me, and pray god remove these preditors from this earth because they are toxic people, and extremely deadly to anyone’s health and well being who comes in close contact with them.

  5. Heart in repair

    On August 25, 2008 at 10:02 pm


    I really got alot out of your article-like I have been from everything I’ve been reading re: narcissistic behaviors. I’ve just come out of an almost 2 yr. relationship and really am in disbelief how a person can end w/one person one day- and totally jump in another relationship the following day- And think absolutley nothing of it! No feeling whatsoever- still in shock and pain!I’ve been tempted to call -but I know the only one that it will affect is me. I’m sticking to the advice at the end of every artcle I’ve read! Run for your life! And no contact. Like everyone else, I lost myself and and self-esteem I had. Just got to work on rebuilding. Thanks for helping me stop doubting myself!

  6. Jennifer

    On September 8, 2008 at 5:20 pm


    WOW!…Yep an apt description of the unconscious mayhem the Narci inflicts upon those close to him. The Narci I dated and still remain now distant friends with is still in full swing vampiring the heck out of women (mostly)….seduce and drop.

    Sure he expliots others to a degree and put’s down others who he’s intimidated or jealous of. Here’s some interesting & creepy commentary that’s taken hold in my memory over the years of knowing him:

    “My home is my Kingdom and if you cross my boundaries you will be banished”.

    “Now I know that I’ve co-signed this motorcyle loan for him, for sure he’ll be more loyal to me”. The irony here is that the guy he co signed for died six months later of a drug overdose and quite aptly left Narci holding the bag for the loan, which I thought was his just deserts for the catch up of that and other bad Karma he’d been accumulating.

    I fell on his property in a gopher hole and the first thing Narci said to me as I lie on the ground with a twisted ankle is that I should have worn proper footing before walking on his property, and was I going to sue him?

    Here’s a classic one…”You made me do it”.

    “I can have many women for my lovers because I’m a man and you’re a woman”.

    On why he didn’t help me clean the dishes on Thanksgiving or have his son help clear the table to show some appreciation for eating the big meal that was prepared? To this he answered…”because you’re a woman”.

    Chomping on crunchy cereal through the telephone receiver as you are on the other end of the line trying to share the details of a sad experience you had that day.

    Telling people that his house love’s him.

    Telling people that he moved a 1000 lb generator with mental telepathy…and meaning it. On top of that encouraging his employees to attest to the witness of this, as they roll their eyes in sublimated agreement.

    He’s the little boy named Peter Pan that never grows up.

    He’s the man who looks ten years younger than his age…i.e. Dorian Gray.

    This is only the tip of the iceberg! Unbelievable. I stay far enough away, but close enough to cathc up on the freak show of a human being he is…Hence, my own Narcissism shining through here. It’s amusing to see such an abomination of a human born without empathy.

  7. Allison Jae

    On October 12, 2008 at 3:33 pm


    I’ve had this experience before.

  8. Beth

    On October 19, 2008 at 3:44 pm


    I was with my narsissist of a husband for 25 years. I used to get so frustrated when I would try to tell him something and he never listened. For the longest time I though he had ADD. He would spend alot of time in the bathroom looking in the mirror. He was the pastor of a church and lost his job for getting caught with the keyboard player.She is a histrionic who thinks she could live in a cave with him. Well he married her yesterday in a big church wedding. He was able to work his way very quickly into another church in another denomination. Of course he blamed me for all the problems in the marriage. Especially for the cheating. I had no idea what narsissism was but I am convinced that he has it. His father is also a narssissist with the perfect echoing wife who puts up with alot of emotional abuse. In spite of being rid of the bad rubbish it still hurts. I also have children so I have to put up with the games that he plays with the visitation. I am scared to death if I ever date again that I will end up with another narsissist!

  9. Dagenais

    On October 31, 2008 at 11:15 pm


    I think I’m dating a narcissist. He’s managed to turn everything in our relationship into something about him and how I treat him badly. He mentioned that he stopped having fun in the relationship a couple weeks ago; this coincided with a very difficult time I happened to be going through personally. It became all about him, how I was wrong, how I was projecting and abusive, while the whole time he made me feel terrible. Yet somehow, I still believe him that it was my fault. I tried to break up with him, but freaked out once I did. I ended up apologize for everything, and the only “bad” thing I did to him was call him self-absorbed and tell him that he held no personal responsibility. He nearly broke up with me then and there.

  10. OMG!

    On November 7, 2008 at 9:46 am


    Involved with a narcissist, on and off, for almost 6 years. Your article is very good. Funny…I’m a pretty good read on people…and it’s not until you get sucked in that reality hits. Getting away from a narcissist is particularly difficult. They have trouble letting go. It’s not over until THEY say it’s over, and even then, many times they will keep coming back into the picture. They need to know they “got to ya”. Extremely insecure individuals who may come across as anything BUT that. They may come across at first like they are so interested in you and your life. Caution…Red Flag…they want to “know” everything, including your weaknesses and hurts in life, so that they may “use” that information later to tear you apart. Piece by Piece. Heads up. Their are accomplished at this and will use it to destroy you. They prey after “givers”. Many hold jobs in life that control others. Police officers are right up there, executives, pastors. They demand attention and control. After 6 years I have learned one thing, NEVER AGAIN. Also, be strong. Understand that no one can “change” you, or hurt you unless you “give” them the ability to do so. Stay strong.

  11. Elizabeth

    On December 3, 2008 at 8:45 pm


    I am realizing the strong power of destruction being around a narcissitic personality can create in one’s life. My experiences include him referring to himself as “The Mayor”. Standing back and observing I can’t help but feel as though every moment of his life is lived as if he were on stage…constantly performing for some imaginary audience. When bringing this to his attention in the most gentle of ways possible I am met with replies that he simply “has a personality” and that I am boring or jealous. We could never go into a public establishment and just blend into the crowd. There always had to be a big scene, a loud entrance, a rearranging of tables or seats….a demand for the top service from the long lost co-worker of job number 200 that he has gone through…I found myself constantly wanting to crawl under the tables that had just been re-arranged to his satisfaction. I could never tell a story…complete inablity to listen…two or three words into a conversation started by me and I would see him roll his eyes, and start to close them as if sleeping. We could never just be in the present moment, everything is always about yesterday or tomorrow. He is enfactuated with Hollywood and even has nick names for the actors and actresses as if they are his tight and intimate friends. Fame and Stardom seem to be the only things he thrives on or for. Socially I fear that most people find him entertaining and gregarious….life of the party kind of man. Behind closed doors he is a monster, and I am left empty and depleted…having hit such a bottom that I don’t know how to get out. He takes the most intimate and personal of details about me and uses them against me in his moments of feeling no control over me. He makes up outright lies and accusations and uses the most repulsive and disgusting language towards me. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!! WHERE DO I TURN FOR HELP???
    If you can offer a suggestion of any kind please send it my way at Lncelizabeth@comcast.net. Please, no sarcasm,…I’m already at the end of my ropes.

  12. gullible girl

    On January 9, 2009 at 5:25 pm


    Been there, unfortunately.

  13. gullible girl

    On January 9, 2009 at 5:34 pm


    I got involved with a narc 18 months ago. He was my prince charming, my “soul mate”. He was charming, loving, attentive, treated me like a princess. Showered me with love and attention that I never had before, gave me beautiful expensive gifts. We shared so much, laughed, talked for hours. He talked of getting married, merging our two families and kids. Called me all the time.
    What happened? He got “bored”. He literally dropped me in a heartbeat and never looked back. It was a long, drawn out breakup. He’d shrug his shoulders and say a half-assed “sorry”.
    Looking back I realized what he is. He uses people. Toward the end I got his verbal abuse, he called me all kinds of vile names, body parts, if you know what I mean. His language toward me was unbelievable! All because I made the mistake of telling him I loved him. He said all women are the same. He hates women. I believe it now. But the heartache is unbearable. I kept thinking I could make him love me by doing more, being more. He ripped my heart out and walked all over it. I’m left with memories, questions, an enormous void. He was my best friend too.

  14. prey

    On January 9, 2009 at 8:11 pm


    This is so enlightening. I just spent 7 months with what appears to be a narcissist ad it’s heart wrenching to get over. He seemed too good to be true at the beginning. He seemed attentive and treated me like a princess. Everything soon became one sided though. If he was stressed from work, I’d talk to him about it and be a shoulder to lean on. If I was unhappy with work, he’d say I was being a downer and offer little to no support. He loved telling his friends I was a teacher for some reason, yet wasn’t interested at all in hearing about my work day stories, both good and bad. Everything revolved around his emotional and physical needs and he seemed both humble and arrogant. It was hard to identify this arrogance at first since he actually is very accomplished at his work. The humility seemed feigned though, even though he would go through periods of depression. If I tried to discuss my feelings or needs with him, he would deflect it onto me saying I was jealous he had more going on in his life. complete lack of empathy. We then went on vacation for a week only to have him break up with me in a foreign city after I pried to find out about his feelings. He seemed to have no remorse and went on having a great old vacation while I was crying my eyes out. all in all, it’s a good thing it ended. I must have been vulnerable and an easy target for manipulation. He even criticised my clothing and would buy me clothes. He never complemented me unless I was wearing something he bought. He was charming though so I got sucked in. Good clues to look for next time…

  15. GetSmart

    On January 14, 2009 at 8:56 am


    Well it only took me 25 years to figure it out, so don’t beat yourself up folks. The ONLY thing to focus on, is getting a better happy more peaceful life and being whole without a “missing” partner. Two books I highly recommend:

    Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft
    People of the Lie. By Scott Peck

    Remember it is not because they are unable to feel and love. They are UNWILLING! It is pride, arrogance and evil. You cannot love them enough, because nothing or anything or anybody can ever fill their void. They are parasites of our souls. The worst ones are the ones that “treat you like a princess” Just KNOW it is to ONLY make them look like a king, NOT because they care about you.

    I am writing a book with my friend who will be getting her Phd in the near future and I am gathering information.

    If you would be willing to give imput and answer questions. Please email me. You can remain annonymous if you want.

    Thanks and God Bless your broken souls!!

    email
    redco73@comcast.net

  16. Sea

    On January 14, 2009 at 10:17 am


    I’m a gay man, and was involved with a narcissist for ten weeks. Overall, it became obvious within the first three weeks of dating that he was no longer interested in me, yet became a stone wall when questioned about it.

    Was told I was his soul mate/most important person in his life/his savior/sexiest man alive/you name it… until the end of the third week.

    Then began what pretty much was a seven week break up, during which time I thought I was crazy/overly demanding/overly sensitive.

    The CONSTANT head-games are unreal. The day I dumped him was when I asked him “why did you tell me you’re in love with me on such and such date, and so quickly fall out of love with me just three days later?” His answer: “So you would tell your ex-wife so that you can live a clean life.”

    My ex-wife is full aware that I’m gay, but I felt so manipulated that I told him “You’re evil” and left calmly. I’ve never said that to anybody.

    If you want a total give-give relationship (in which you’re the giver), want to passive-aggressively be made fun of, want to constantly pay for dinners and drinks, want to incessantly be with someone who’s emotionally and sexually unavailable, by all means, get involved with a narcissist.

  17. Madonna

    On January 22, 2009 at 3:44 pm


    What makes a naracisst tic? You know the way they get under your skin, i.e. you would never ever treat that person the way they did to you, too bad I was so loving and generous, but SHAME on me too for ignoring MAJOR RED FLAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Kristina

    On January 30, 2009 at 10:30 am


    Could not help but laugh when you described the breadroll incident! They sure can be hilarious :) I also have a history of narcissism in my family/dating life. I remember when I was with my narc ex – we were “in love” and playing music. He was dancing and I watched him, tenderly. A a later point I got up and started dancing (he was aitting down)- and I realized that he REFUSED to look at me (I am considered a quite goodlooking woman). It was soooo funny and sooooo sad. I’m happy to say, that today narcs come nowhere near me, I have learned how to be a lousy narcissistic suplly to them :-D

  19. Eugene

    On January 30, 2009 at 9:42 pm


    I just had a two month relationship with a lady who displayed these symptons. All it took was two months before I had to get out. Things are tight money wise and she would never say thank you after multiples dates. She seemed to have no emotions. She did not help me mentally or with paying date bills….I knew she was not wife material.

  20. cheryl Feb 13 ,2009

    On February 13, 2009 at 9:14 pm


    I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. Know this you can never please them. They leave you feeling confused ,exhausted, demand your attention and make you think your crazy. They are very cold and can look right through you when they are mad or feel threatened, or hurt. Mine used the “silent treatment “for days at a time ,if I didn’t go to social events because “it made look bad I suspect”.In the end he became controlling,belittling, critisized me, and most sentences started with the word “YOU”. You need to get another job, or whatever he wanted that day. The mind games and twisting things you say drove me crazy. I left him and I have never felt so free. I will tell anyone don’t waste your time on them.Live your life for you , put yourself first. THEY CAN NOT CHANGE!!!!!!!!!

  21. Wendy

    On February 22, 2009 at 8:38 pm


    Wow, I guess I should feel lucky I have only spent 3 months with one? The bragging about his job,which bothered me was the first clue. Then he let me know he had a big house and 6 cars, yet said he wants to keep a low profile? I was getting the feeling that he was being dishonest sometimes, but couldn’t prove anything. He calls his ex-girlfriend crazy b–tch and his own sister psycho. I noticed one day he was critical of some co-workers I introduced him to. He actually said to me once “I happen to be available later and would like to give you the opportunity to see me”. Are you kidding me?? I thought. He was very concerned with how I looked as well. He told ME that his last girlfriend was the most beautiful, perfect creature God had created. The sad thing is we laughed until our cheeks hurt and had tons in common. He opened doors for me and could be very sweet, but then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. We could picture a future together of kids, boating, laughter, church etc.. However, I did get this silent treatment-punish thing a few times over something silly, which he has thrown in my face several times since then. But when I brought up a few concerns that I had regarding earrings found in his car,(which he said a co-worker borrowed his car) he broke up with me and said we’re done. I am still in shock, but I should be thankful. And of course his reasoning was- it is all my fault, due to my attitude and the fact that I treat him badly. Unbelievable, because I have tried to be so cool about things and am a very nice person. I know I felt frustrated part of the time because I was feeling a push pull thing with him. We just ended things today and I have stumbled upon Narcissistic traits. I am sad & hurt but trying to figure out something was really deeply wrong.

  22. Detroit

    On March 1, 2009 at 8:58 pm


    I’m with one and am one. I think narcissists naturally attract each other… a like attracts like sort of thing. Both of my parents where narcissists and so were my girlfriends parents. Funny thing is that I became one from being my mothers “golden child” and she became one as a survival mechanism from a terrible family. We’ve been together for 7 months and its strange seeing myself reflected back in her.

    I spent a bunch of years in meditation and self-exploration so I have been aware of my narcissistic tendencies for years. I used to be such a tool to women. I started thinking I was better and started dating again and now I am dating a female version of the way I was. I guess I havent changed.

    All I have to say is that if your keep dating narcissits your probably one yourself.

  23. Wick

    On March 5, 2009 at 2:49 pm


    I see Narci being reffered to as “He” in this article a lot. The GSM stats show there are actually more female narci than male.

    Sam Vaknin writes the most profound things about Narcissim and NPD. Check it out sometime: http://samvak.tripod.com/ His book “Malignant Self Love” is quite the read on Narci.

  24. king tut

    On March 7, 2009 at 7:28 pm


    i dated a gal for about 1.5 years who I now see was definitely a narci. I must admit though that I’m a bit of one too. However, she took takes the cake in the narci dept. We all have pride and the need for self confidence. One trait i noticed which was not mentioned is that they will downgrade others to make themselves feel better about themselves. Or they will seek out your flaws so they can later attack them. the lack of empathy is a huge one. They will be an entirely different person in the beginning, but once they get comfortable you will see them in their true light…..then run and don’t look back. What i learned was that she’s not a self actualized adult, and if you look up the definition of narcicist in the dictionary it says they’re in the infantile stages of personality development.

  25. rowdygirl

    On March 31, 2009 at 8:38 am


    I keep re-reading this because it helps me to understand the man I’m seeing. He truly fits the description and is actually quite proud of the fact that he’s a Narci. He has a short attention span for anything that doesn’t involve him or his interests. Our phone conversations are generally very short unless he is the topic, or we’re discussing his likes or dislikes. I know that the relationship won’t go anywhere and it’s hurting me emotionally in the long run. I’m just now starting to understand how destructive this is to me, but I’m not strong enough yet to get out. I’m in therapy for anxiety and I’m learning to move forward in a healthier way. It’s sad to say that I love someone this dis-interested in me. It’s a life long pattern, starting with a Narci mother and then a 23 year marriage to an abusive narci. wow.. that’s difficult to admit.

  26. Anita

    On April 6, 2009 at 6:25 pm


    Ijust got out of 3 yr relationship with narcissist. i broke it off because it took a long time. We would argue, breakup and he wwould leave me so frustated. A lot of conversations didnit make sense. He would keep calling me and leaving messages. I used to think he would change , but when i gave in and talked with him, I would always be disappointed. The last conversation I had with him was him wanting to work things out, then telling me he had talked to another woman on singles site? We had been broken up 3 months and he was already on singles site “free again”. You are having a problem loving the person you thought he was. I am still having a problem, feel like my dream is gone. He was real charmer, but jealous and charmer. When I first started dating him there were red flags. He would look at woman and turn and look at me and grin. He said later he was trying to make me jealous and see my reaction? We are both in our 50s. I got tired of the games.

  27. Nancy J. Bailey

    On April 24, 2009 at 11:45 am


    Wow — I am floored by the response to this article. I am so glad that my expereinces are helping others, but saddened to see the number of people who are going through similar things. I’m considering doing a book on this subject and will be looking for contributors.

  28. mckayla

    On May 1, 2009 at 9:06 am


    I was a dream come true to him. It wasn’t long before he had me eating out of the palm of his hand. Giving, giving, giving. All he did was take, take everything. I had never felt so empty in my life. I felt horrible about myself, I wasn’t getting the love back in return, it drove me crazy. I think that’s what he wanted. I started to see how cold he was, he laughed when things weren’t funny, he was quiet and unresponsive when I was telling him how I felt. He ignored me when I asked him anything remotely emotional. I felt abused, used, and hurt deeply. Every time I forgave him, he hurt me worse the next. What a nightmare! I stopped talking to him, he still calls me every few days, saying he misses me, and loves me. So predictable, I don’t fall for those lines anymore. Who knows what hes capable of.

  29. Elaine

    On May 6, 2009 at 8:09 pm


    OMG – I can’t believe i am seeing myself in these stories. Recently out of an 8 month relationship with one. In the beginning, he was awesome, shared the same sports and hobbies that I liked, ect. Even liked my friends. I thought he was a dream come true – his family adored me, said I was the best girlfriend he ever had, it was great. I have a lot of gay friends and he went on holidays with us, was a Prince of a Guy. Then it all changed. When? When I started doing more for him than he for me. I would stay at his place on weekends and do ALL HIS HOUSEWORK and yard work while he played on the computer. When I asked him if we could do some sports i liked, tennis, ect, he said sure, sure, it never happened. He is part of a running group and recently completed his 6th Marathon. I was there through all the training, ran with him in the rain, stayed at the finish line with a towel and a big kiss, and what does he do? As soon as he crosses the line, no hug, no kiss, just a comment – ‘don’t be annoying’. I finally blew up at a family dinner and he kicked me out – this after days of him, him, him, do this for me, do that – a few crumbs of thanks were sent my way, but nothing else. I would come over Friday Nite after not seeing him all week and he would not even get off the couch to say hi, how was your day, would not even talk to me cuz he was watching a show. If i wanted to talk to him he would role his eyes put it on pause and look at me like I asked him for a million dollars to buy a house. I could go on and on and what I am mad at is that i never saw it. I am really generous and giving and I continued to give, thinking he would eventually see the value in me, but I didn’t happen. Where did my Prince go? I’m still hurting.

  30. HELP

    On May 10, 2009 at 11:33 pm


    Although I am very empathetic…I know I’m am a narcissist and I want to change. Any 12 step program would be very appreciated. I don’t want my tombstone to say selfish ahole…more important..I would like meaningful relationships with others.

  31. ruby

    On May 14, 2009 at 8:12 pm


    Santa Maria,
    I am such a putz. This guy courted me with calls, poetry, loving emails and sexual advances. He wasn’t my type, but exciting all the same. He wanted me to run away with him. When I wouldn’t, he withdrew. Being a sweet co-dependent and someone horrified of abandonment, I was crushed. Never cried so much in my life…over someone I wasn’t even remotely attracted to in the beginning. I was courted and dumped. I said the “I love you” words and he told me it was all sexual, never love. Ouch. I wanted to maintain a friendship, I wanted to figure this guy out, I wanted to quit feeling abandoned. He bragged incessantly. Yet, he had no serious employment. He’s like a little boy gypsy during the summertime. Then he lives with his parents (he is 48 years old) the rest of the year. I didn’t know what a narcissist was before, but I sure do now. After I left him, I rarely heard from him, which made me obsess all the more. Then about a year later he wants to get together. I think we are going to talk and get caught up on life. Not even. He assumes I want to have sex with him and he doesn’t waist anytime pawing at me. I’m baffled? From the very beginning he was way too familiar with me. Calling me “honey” and “babe.” We would spend time together and then he would disappear for days. I began to see he was obviously broken and wanted to help fix him (COA). How stupid was I? I am so glad to now know about this disorder. Yikes. I’m still hurt. I need to get over it. This has been heart wrenching.

  32. ht

    On May 30, 2009 at 11:15 pm


    wow i feel like i just woke up from a two year nightmare after he left me to go to work in another state and it didnt even seem to bother him, we practically lived together. was never there emotionally for me everything seemed to revolve around him. Couldnt believe he would dump me for weeks at a time with no explanation and then be so persistent how much he loved and missed me i would stupidly forgive him. Any attempt to talk about something he did that hurt my feelings would get him angry or ignore me for days. I wasnt quite sure what was wrong but should have listened to my instincts.He could be quite charming but now i c that was just for any benefit he might get out of it. I still miss him in a weird way but am also relieved he is miles away. This seems to be a blessing in disguise because i can c how badly he treated me now, definately had all the signs of a narcissist. I asked him to never call or text me again and i pray he just leaves me alone. The pain and confusion he has caused me is awful! I always wondered how he could love me so much one week and then go totally distant the next. Sorry but a very sick human being. By the way his mother died when he was young and his father committed suicide shortly after so the childhood trauma led me to this diagnosis. good luck to anyone involved with this type, run, run, run!!!!!! i was suckered in for two years and he would cheat and deny deny deny. selfish and very insensitive but also very loving when they want to be.

  33. Resentful

    On May 31, 2009 at 9:56 pm


    Dear Nancy, thank you so much for your article. And thank you to all of you that have shared your experiances. I was in a what I believed at the time to be a committed relationship with a man for 5 years and then on and off for another 4 years. I stopped all communication with him a year ago and I am STILL trying to move on with my life. Like so many of the others in this article, he too treated me like a princess, was more attentive to me than any person I had ever dated before. IT confuses the hell out of you to date someone that is attentive yet self absorbed. One of the writers above said that you feel like you are losing your sanity, that is so true. He has had at least 4 other relationships since me and he is now dating someone 10 years younger that he works with. Which was a tough blow to take as narcissists usually keep their personal and professional lives separate so they can lie to people in each with more ease. Even though every one says they never change, I started feeling lately like maybe he has. He must have to be getting intimately involved with someone he works with. The other day someone said that he more than likely is just getting better at lying, or he thinks he is. They seem like robots. No feelings, lack of empathy, ability to drop 1 person after so long and move on to the next with out looking back.
    I do have a question though. Above you said that they “behave best with someone who sets limits on him”. Does this mean that they can have meaningful relationships with people like them? Do they respect people like them? I feel so stupid to have loved this person for so long, to have waisted so much time. I find myself to be incredibly angry and what angers me most is that he had such an easy life. It is full of success and people that adore him. HE gets everything he wants.
    I am VERY interested in contributing to your book. I have stories that you would no believe. The most insane things he would tell me that he did. He even lied and told me that his mother died. Should have seen the look on his brothers face when I ran into him very unexpectedly and apologized to him about his mothers passing!
    Thank you again for your article, it gives me hope that I am not alone, not crazy and that I NEED to move on and be grateful that I did not marry or have children with this man.

  34. Nancy J. Bailey

    On June 5, 2009 at 3:13 pm


    To Resentful, and others who are wondering. I am putting together an outline for a book on this subject. If you have stories and would like to contribute, please email me at foxbrush@earthlink.net. Put “Narcissist” in the subject line, because a lot of my mail goes directly into the Junk file. Resentful — to answer your question — yes, Narci behaves better with other Narcis. Some can establish a sort of “club” mentality. They don’t bag on each other. They respect and help each other. This club is very limited, and everyone outside of it is dog meat.

    I am thankful that this article has helped some people. You who have been strong enough to walk away from Narci, please be aware that you are vulnerable to this type of personality and watch for these signs. Scrutinize everyone before you get involved again. Teach yourself to make it a habit, and it will get easier. Cyber Hugs to all.

  35. robert

    On June 15, 2009 at 7:08 am


    I very seldom go to the loo without taking my top off n looking at my reflexion , I was wheelchair depened for almost 4 year’s n am so proud of myself n my daily routine.
    I’m always complimenting other’s bouth male an female , love to help other less able, but im really worried i ive just read some of this article n show some sign’s .
    can anybody out ther advice meI hurt my head 5 years ago btw.
    thanx xXx-

  36. Beth

    On June 23, 2009 at 2:50 pm


    I just have to chuckle about this article. It could not have more closely mirrored a dating experience I’ve had with a man of 2 years. It’s uncanny. I’ve felt crazy for 2 years trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why this relationship has been so damn difficult, until literally I woke up one day and everything became so clear. Our relationship is making attempts to work through this madness, but I feel so relieved that I’ve finally identified the problem. Thanks for the post! You are not alone! I have endless stories, upon stories and more stories!

  37. Another Wendy

    On July 1, 2009 at 2:31 pm


    I am just out of a two and a half year experience of hell. I don’t even consider it a “relationship” because there was no real intimacy, ever, in spite of sex. I believe my guy’s problem stemmed from abusive childhood. I got so sick right along with him, thinking I was giving “him so much room” because he was so emotionally limited. Like Beth, I felt like I was going crazy, I also felt abused, disrespected, and neglected to name a few.
    I am still hurting, but I also am beginning to feel relief. I don’t understand why I allowed it for so long! He was constantly in and out, did so many things that were HUGE red flags. I never want to go through that kind of experience again. I can relate to many of the posts (mid-sentence walking away or hanging up, grandiosity, only interested in talking about what he was interested in and that was money and power, the list goes on and on. I would be interested in hearing about the causes of narci and how the partner gets sick along with the narci and best ways to really heal from the experience

  38. Confused**

    On July 8, 2009 at 7:51 am


    I think im with one right now. I’ve been living with him for just over a year now. He has allll the traits described above EXCEPT the lying. Does that still make him one? Hes unbelievably self centered and cocky- constantly talking about himself and his muscles and I SWEAR he is half my size. In one whole year of seeing him every day I think hes called me beautiful 3 times?! And i dont know where he gets his cockiness from– all my friends use to tell me not to date him cuz hes ugly and i cud do much better! i mean its a fact that im wayyy better looking than him, BUT i do NOT date ppl according to their looks.. but it just shocks me that he could say that?! He likes to piss me off.. he tells me to lose weight when im 58 kilograms, 120 pounds! He constantly needs money I think hes taken me out to dinner like once. But he really truly does love me to death I think he’d go mental if we were over.. and i love him too… but I just do not understand why it would kill him to compliment me??? One day im just not going to be able to take it.. Am i with a narcisist?

  39. I wonder....

    On July 13, 2009 at 2:46 pm


    It seems like this seems to be a story written from a person of lower social value describing a person of higher social value. Everyone gets sick of having tag alongs that love, love, love them to death, however narcissists keep them around to boost there value. If your around a narcissist all you have to do is stop giving them attention and value; that’s what they really want. Also somehow figure out a way to get higher value then them and they’ll start coming to you. This is the way I interpreted this article. I might be wrong, but I’m just throwing this out there…..

  40. Blank

    On August 11, 2009 at 11:50 am


    I see most of the posts are about dating Narci men. I am a man that had been dating what I believe to be a Narci woman for the past 7 months. She seems to fit a lot of the criteria (lack of empathy, controlling, fantasies, doesn’t reciprocate). I’ve been struggling finacially and most of the time we went out, we would go “dutch.” I never felt comfortable with telling her all of my struggles because I had an underlying feeling that she would use them against me. Sometimes after spending time together and feeling like we had a good time, when she left or I left, I would feel sick to my stomach or sad to the point of crying or both and couldn’t figure out why. I ended up doing a couple of things that were “wrong” because of feelings of suspicions, but nothing that was really very bad. I was then dumped, by IM message no less, and attempted to call her a few days in a row and not getting a call back. I’m still reeling from all of this.

  41. Suzanne Walker

    On August 13, 2009 at 12:29 pm


    So you are in love with a narci. You are trying to have an adult relationship with a physically grown person who has not psycologically passed the infantile stage yet. Infants are only capable of being concerned with their own needs. Infants do not have the capacity to care if mommy or daddy or anyone else in their world, ,,,, needs any THING. Infants do not have the capability to reciprocate love and affection. NEITHER DOES A NARCI…. GOTIT.. UM-K.

  42. Dead-End Dan

    On August 25, 2009 at 1:07 pm


    So much truth, 8 (maybe 9) out of 10 signs in my last relationship, from which I’m recovering at this very moment.

    Best points in the articles and comments:

    “Despite this, a narcissist is not necessarily a jackass in public. In fact, many of them have a meek and likeable public persona. This makes it very difficult to explain to others about the self-centered evil that lies within them. In fact, the duplicity can be so extreme that you can begin to question your own sanity.”

    Everybody that knows her casually loves her as the life of the party. And she’s a beautiful woman. What the heck could possibly wrong with her? Except that she’s in her mid-40s and she can’t make a relationship last more than a year or so.

    “I’m a pretty good read on people…and it’s not until you get sucked in that reality hits. Getting away from a narcissist is particularly difficult. They have trouble letting go. It’s not over until THEY say it’s over, and even then, many times they will keep coming back into the picture. They need to know they “got to ya”.”

    My god yes, we broke up twice and back she came each time, pledging to make it work this time. Right now, I expect her to attempt a return in 6 months or so after her next failed relationship to see if she can squeeze out the last drops of juice. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. And I’ve dated some crazies, but not this kind of insidious crazy. The others had souls.

    “I ended up doing a couple of things that were “wrong” because of feelings of suspicions, but nothing that was really very bad. I was then dumped, by IM message no less, and attempted to call her a few days in a row and not getting a call back. I’m still reeling from all of this.”

    First broke up by email, then by phone call. But leading up to the last breakup, she’d suddenly break off terse calls, hanging up on me mid-sentence without so much as a goodbye. But during the relationship, she would always hide her computer screen as if she had something to hide, and say she needed her secrets.

    “Narci behaves better with other Narcis. Some can establish a sort of “club” mentality. They don’t bag on each other. They respect and help each other. This club is very limited, and everyone outside of it is dog meat.”

    Ding! Ding! Ding! The guy I think she left me for most recently is, in the words of a mutual acquaintance, a total sociopath. She is finally playing in her own league.

    My plan, as was my plan before I headed down this romantic dead-end, but at least a very pretty dead-end, is to resume succeeding in life whilst her mounting debt spirals past the Event Horizon of Hopelessness…

  43. Janet

    On September 19, 2009 at 11:23 pm


    I have a female friend who I belive is a narci. I am also a female, but not a narci., Men, a feemale narci wil ltake advantage of you fibacially,,,so beware,,,,,They expect grandiosity out of life…it is extreme,,not a person who just has high hopes,,it is kind of vulgar. They seems to hold contempt over anyone they find vulnerability in, especially if its someone who sh e gets involved with. she actually said to me one day \”I only want to be around powerful people\”
    She does gather info and I distinctly felt guarded about what I told her..I was right as she uses it to mentally abuse if she Gets something on you ! Narci is fully capable of using others for personal gratification without any love or kindness. THis woman seemingly had no empathy at all ! These people are abusive and I feel it takes a little skill to see what they are up front..the reason is because they put on a good show! Listen to your gut and if you suspect narcicism, def move on so you can find a truly whole person who is emotionally loving and available to meet your needs. It is a lose lose situation becaus eif you love a narci you will pay a high price,,your happiness!

  44. janeen

    On September 19, 2009 at 11:35 pm


    First Flag…do not let anyone new into your life if they appear to want to hook in to your social circle very quickly, ie. get everyones e mail, or contact info..this was by far the earliest sign in my recent realization that I had met a narci !
    It shows zero respect for boundaries, I call it the toxic Octopus.
    They are capable of getting into your social circles and beware you will be exploited. If your date ha sto be the life of the party to the point of making you feel small, it is a narci . They do not care about quality time so much as their own ego being inflated..they dont care if you have feelings. OMG plz.
    Also another flag is their need to have it their way or no way..it is another way of saying they have no empathy…they become envious of others accomplishments..they cant seem to be happy for others so much as envious, including people in their own family. These are not healthy people to date at all !! RUN.

  45. Sheila White

    On September 20, 2009 at 12:08 am


    To Dan,
    Your Narci most likely had a drinking problem, and appeared to be the charismatic life of the party…her need for being at center stage drives this obnoxiosness…she also probably found some flaw in you , you may not have been “important enough if you have a humble yet respectable career, Narci wants power and money to make her feel important..it is not spiritual at all…it is their sense of entitlent that slowly creeps to the surface…Entitlement is a sckness in itself.
    Narci may have been pretty but did she have inner beauty…they really are so repulisve in their nature, I hope you find a beautiful and truly loving woman,,Narci men and women are unhealed and toxic. Your narci is most likely in debt because of her entitlement to all that the good life offers, she has no humility…she needs help from a professional therapist and most likely needs to be in a twelve step program as well.

  46. Kaye

    On September 22, 2009 at 11:44 pm


    I believe narcissism has its degrees like everything else. Some are worse than others and some are capable of changing if they are willing to contemplate what’s going on their lives. They are probably the minority. I dated someone for months who I hesitate to call a narcissist in the true clinical sense, but I believe had serious narcissistic tendencies. My story is typical. He started out with all the compliments. He always called and in the beginning he was what I thought was a really good catch. It didn’t take long before his passive aggressive behaviors started showing and I gave him a lot of slack because he was going through a divorce (hmmm, I wonder why the wife left), changing careers, etc. I began to see that his behaviors weren’t necessarily situational–this was the way he was hard wired. Everything we did focused on his preferences, his needs, his desires. The only time we did anything I liked to do was when it coincidently was something he was interested in too. We saw each other at his convenience. He saw himself as a “feminist,” who really understood and respected women, but I think deep down, he had a lot of woman hate going on. I remember telling him after not seeing him for a few weeks that I missed him. His response was, “Well, I guess you have a problem.” He could be a cold hearted bastard without blinking an eye and not see that this could be a problem for anyone else. He told me he cared about me, but his come forward go away behavior was just a mind game. He had an excuse for anything he did that rubbed me the wrong way or hurt me whenther it was a disrespectful comment or a mean gesture. He could not believe that I found some of his behavior less than pleasing because in his mind, he was a respectful person and just because he was there should have been indication he cared. In other words, the crumbs he gave should have been enough because after all, they came from HIM! His relationships with others wasn’t too great either. He seemed to have a lot of enemies. In every circle he ran in there seemed to be someone who was circulating a bad e-mail about him or undermining his efforts. He was the expert in so many things, or so he thought, there seemed little room for anyone else’s perspective. And whatever was going wrong was because the other party was jealous or had the problem. He never apologized for anything, even when he knew he was wrong. He liked to hit all your buttons and then when you got upset, punish you for being too emotional. Yet this man claimed to be spiritual and nurturing. At first I questioned myself. Perhaps I was too needy. Perhaps I was asking for too much. Then I began to see what was really going on and what a crazy dynamic I was engaging in. I began to really push back and finally he dumped me. A few days later he proposed that we be friends. I didn’t jump at the offer. I feel very empowered that I did not sit back for too long and take his crap. I am also proud that I was willing to contemplate during and after the relationship what my role in this was. The best thing I can share with others who have been in these types of relationships is that these people are crafty and manipulative. They will see your kindness as weakness and they will play on your soft spots. If you choose to be around them and they don’t seek help, you will always have to our maneuver or out manipulate them. That could get really exhausting and boring. If you think doing to them what they do to you will teach them a lesson, you are wrong. They will just assume you are the bad guy, nothing they do is wrong or inappropriate, and move on to the next sucker. The best way to heal from someone like this is to hold your head up, wipe them off your shoulder and march on. Narcissists are miserable with you or without you. Don’t be afraid of hurting them by leaving. They don’t really allow themselves to feel anyway.

  47. Nancy J. Bailey

    On October 5, 2009 at 8:15 pm


    Hi All,

    I finally finished my ebook. http://bit.ly/D2S0z “When your dog is less self centered than the man in your life.” This is a dog trainer’s perspective, explained as an amature behaviorist would view it. There are helpful hints for recovering from the painful experience of being with a narcissist.

    I know there is plenty of good information online about narcissism, free of charge. I strongly encourage you to learn all you can about the disorder. Since part of this ebook is my own personal story, and I have been in a financial crisis due in part to a narcissist in my life, I will try to recoup some of what I have lost by sharing it.

    I wish you peace, healthy relationships and happy tails. ~Nancy

  48. celeste o'hara

    On November 3, 2009 at 6:59 am


    Just realised yesterday the guy I’m having an affair with is a narci. I’m an intelligent person but it never dawned on me…now we’re at the stage where he’s cutting me off instead of texting every day how much he loves me. I think at first he thought I was like him and in a small way I am, but I’m also kind and want to help people. I think he knows now that I’m a sucker. I’m supposed to be seeing him again – if he does n’t call it off – and will try setting limits but I know really it’s a no go and need to get over him. I’m still in love with the illusion but trying to minimize him in my brain.

  49. Michelle

    On December 5, 2009 at 10:55 pm


    OMG….
    It’s only been a week and I’m so glad I’ve recognised the signs so early on, told him earlier that I will not be seeing him anymore, boy he did’nt like it. I’m outta there.

  50. LOST

    On February 13, 2010 at 11:08 am


    I have dated this guy for three years now. When we first got together i was very young 22 and he was 29. He made me feel like a Queen when we first started dating. I felt so great with him. He was always the life of the party. the cneter of attention. Had to be dressed the best and always without nothing. At first he would make sure i went without nothing. Always with me and at least acted lik he cared. Now after a couple years and a child i grew up. that is what most people do after having a child. Not him it is still all about him. He wants to keep his social life and get attention. He gets mad when i dont give him all of mine. After reading this article it was like someone was writing this about him to a tee. I love this man veyr much a my nature is a very nuturing and caring type, so for the longest i wanted to help him gain life and empahty for people. Now after reading this is change even possible?? I hope so for he sake of our son. Please if someone has some advice or has been through something similar please reply!!!!!!

  51. Nancy J. Bailey

    On March 2, 2010 at 11:25 am


    Dear Lost, Unfortunately Narci does not change. In order to coexist with him you have to accept the fact that you are with someone who does not have the ability to truly care for others. Whether you can cope with this type if existence is a decision you have to make. Children of narcis will often become narcis themselves purely as a survival method. It is too painful to deal with the reality of a parent who cannot love you. My own experiences are detailed in my ebook, http://bit.ly/D2S0z

    Please seek some counseling.

    Nancy

  52. CC

    On April 8, 2010 at 2:57 pm


    Very accurate article. In late 2007 I dated a woman for only a few months, but she managed to cause so much confusion and turmoil that it felt like my brains had been scrambled. Only later did I discover that she was (probably) a narcissist.

    I think it’s especially important for men to learn about narcissism and its effects, because we’re often trained to think of women as being “difficult. That is, men are socially conditioned to tolerate a lot of erratic, moody behavior from women. In contrast, a few generations of American women have been told to never tolerate abuse or mistreatment (and rightly so, I must add!) Because of this double-standard, it seems to me that women who are narcissist have no constraints on their behavior…

  53. El

    On April 25, 2010 at 5:56 am


    I have just come out of a one year relationship with a man who had a lot of the characteristics mentioned. He would get hot and cold for no good reason and I never really knew where I stood with him. He thought it was fine to ask me to do all sorts of things for him but every time I asked for something back it would always be virtually impossible for him to take the time to have a look. The real red flag came when, after being together for over half a year, we started talking about the past and relationships. I have never heard anyone be so cold while speaking about people he had spend years with. Sensible things like “I respected her” etc but no emotions whatsoever. Really detached and ice cold. I never felt he truly loved me but kept telling myself that was just me being insecure because the signals were often so mixed. He was always punctual, happy to go out, organise parties etc. But I started figuring out that this was largely because he largely wanted to show guests his home and workshop (he is a furniture designer/ interior decorator) and because I know a lot of high end people that this was his way of making powerful friends/ potential customers. And there were so many many little things. Overall I think he partly tried but personalities like that can’t make others happy due to the lack of empathy and the fact that they can’t give. About a month ago I asked him to tell me where things stand -about moving in together etc- and from the conversations that followed it became apparent that he wasn’t prepared to step out of his way for me ie keep things as they are, and if…if… if… then we see. So a year into the relationship he was not prepared to make any compromises to be with me. I told him, gave him a week to think about it and he came back to say “thanks but no thanks”. I think with a personality like that it might have been better to do the breaking up myself but I wanted to give him a final chance so no regrets. I agree that they only truly respect people who set boundaries, otherwise they will walk all over others as their “needs” are always so much more important than those of the rest of us. I’ve come out of the relationship drained and frustrated but proud to have pushed for a resolution. I agree with the main advice given by all above with personalities like that the best thing to do is RUN!

  54. Angela

    On May 3, 2010 at 1:13 am


    I am so relieved that I am not alone in falling for a narcissistic. I have been left for his girlfriend that he has been dating for 4 years, we were together for 1 year and I had no idea. She lives 8 hours away, and the reason he dated me was because he didnt think it would ever work with them because she lived so far away. Apparantly she is willing to move for him so I got the boot. He begged me to live with him, even broke up with me once when I said I wasnt ready. It was a big struggle, he viewed the fact I didnt want to that I wasn’t commited to him (or felt rejected?). He talked about marriage – we even decided on a year. He told me that he has to have the wedding his way and if I didnt agree with it that he wouldnt marry me. He told me he already had his future kids names picked out and that if I didnt want them then I could leave.
    He encouraged me to lose weight, ( I am 5′6″ weigh 120lbs), get breast implants, dye my hair blonde. I am 6 years younger then him and would often be invited to work/family/social events and would always make sure that everyone there knew that I was younger. I was his ‘arm candy’ and he seemed to get off that someone like me would date him (he is short, balding, overweight… etc). I for the longest time had mistaken this for him actually admiring me, I now realize I was just being used to boost his ego.
    He said to me that he views other people as below him, and a few of his friends he would consider equal. This disturbed me so I asked a pyschologist friend what he thought of that statement. He asked a few more questions and suggested I read up on narcissism. He had every single trait.
    I never once was asked about my day. If I had a story about anything that didnt involve him he would interupt me and point to the tv or completely zone out. I eventually stopped talking about my life and would only talk about things that I knew would interest him. He refused to go to certain restraunts/gas stations or anything really if he felt he had been wronged in anyway, that he didnt get the service he felt he deserved. He had a list that he kept that had all the things he refused to support.
    I am making him sound like a horrible person, that I must be crazy to have put up with this. I would like to say that he is a the funniest guy I have ever met, that he could make anyone laugh. Unless you were close to him you would never know how he actually viewed the world. As if we all owed him things. That the world was his to take and throw away as he pleased. He was also very affectionate, very cuddley. He almost needed constant attention. Which with my personality worked very well as I am such a giver and love making other people happy. And I would mistake the attention I was giving him for attention he would give me, I know can see that it was all about him.
    I am so relieved he left me. I felt so brainwashed and its like I can finally breathe again and not have to worry if I exhale too loudly. I am going to seek professional help because I am scared how close I was to moving in and marrying him and knowing he was narcissistic. I know I am a giver and a lover but I think I might be to the extreme because i thought that even a soul destroying man deserved someone to love him.

  55. Krystal

    On May 6, 2010 at 5:39 pm


    I belive I was dating a narcissist for 2 and a half years. In the beginning he was like this goody two shoes christian straight A student. He was respectful and had this persona to go along with it. We met at College and i just thought he had it all together and he was almost close to perfect. But after we had been together for a few months he started acting very very arrogant and would always tell me on a regular basis thathe would get hit on all the time by all these hott girls and he would go on and on about it and he would imply that they were better looking than me and this went on the whole relationship. It was like he was making up the girls hitting on him because every girl he described was perfection. He probobly was saying those things just to mess with my emotions. He rarely expressed his feelings ever…and whenever i told him that i needed him to be open with me..he would turn it on me and say that I was “needy”. He was constantly putting me down especially my intelligence. he would imply that i was dumb or that somehow i wasnt up to his standards. it was always implied and he never would never come right out and say it. and whenever i would confront him about it he would say that I was “crazy”. and that i was “insecure”. He would break me down emotionally with his manipulation. He used intimidation to get control over me so he could use me whenever he wanted. It was always about me pleasing him. He never would do anything for me. He always bragged about himself and how handsome he is and how smart he is and how hardworking he is. Hes obsessed with success and going to medical school just so he can be better and make more money than most people. Hes doing it for himself when he should be doing it for all the people he would be helping being a doctor. Hes never done anything for anyone else unless hes gonna get something for it in return like:recognition, power, money.
    I finally broke it off with him and then he would still call me and just put me down and be really sarcastic and sadistic. THen i stopped answering his calls. then i started dating someone new and he flipped out and one of the last times we talked all i told him was that it was over and i found someone new. and he flipped out and was breathing really hard and just started ripping into my new bf saying that he was a nobody and hes not going anywhere in life and that hes using me and that i needed to break up with him and he almost brainwashed into doing it! I didnt do it thankfully..and i told him that hes not going to brainwash me anymore. I wasnt going to let him intimidate me anymore. He never ever said he was sorry for anything. and whenever he did say sorry it was not very convincing. I havnt seen or spoken to him in like a year and a half.

  56. anonymous

    On May 20, 2010 at 9:36 am


    Narcissists suck. I am an N magnet. I am still in shock over how many men are like this. I was married to one who got mad at me for not being blonde. He knew me for years and knew what color my hair was. Then I bleached my hair and he was mad if it was not the perfect shade. He found fault with every body part I had. His new lady is a blonde and he kept telling me about her hair and body asking me if I thought she was a “spinner” ..sick asshole. I have a child with him so I had to deal with him. Then I left him and my new neighbor was the biggest narcissist I ever knew. He was a user and manipulative and very malignant. He stole from me and asked me for lunch so he could give it to some druggie girl he had following him around. Then I had a bf and he was a narcissist and so is his son. No empathy, no compassion ..they get annoyed if you say you care about them. I am independent and was accused of being needy when I did all of the giving. How they can see that as needy totally blows your mind. They live in my house and I do their laundry and I take them places in my car and they said I was needy….lol….they will destroy your mind get away from them. They sell you an image and some are good at making you fall for them. They are adorable and good looking and funny…etc. They perfect a fake personality that makes people fall for them and in the beginning they give you exactly what you need so they get your emotions and make you want that back again and then they ignore you when they know they have you wanting them. It’s scary and they are cruel and they don’t care.

  57. APP

    On May 29, 2010 at 3:50 pm


    I dated one for over 2 1/2 years. I didn’t know what I was dealing with until it was over.
    I just starting reading about narcissism, trying to save my sanity about what went wrong.

    He is all of the things mentioned, I believe he was a sociopath as well. I have never had a relationship that ended like this, and left me feeling so crazy that I need a psychiatrist or something. Now I see it was not me, it was him.

    He was also addicted to religion, and I thought he was safe to date because he was religious, so he must be a good man. From the beginning, he gave me gifts, called me every day, text me every morning, etc. He talked about moving back down south and we could both move together, have a great life, get a house, right away I was “honey”, “dear”………

    Red Flags: he told me all his friends were women, every relationship he had in the past (including 2 wives) only lasted 2-3 years, he had 3 children from 3 different women, didn’t raise any of them.
    He liked to “help” others, which included these women friends he also called “dear”, he would run to help them whenever they called. If I didn’t approve of this behavior, he called me “insecure”. He said I didn’t trust him.
    About 4 months in, he borrowed money from me to stay in a house he rented. I loaned him, we signed a contract, and this happened again 2 more times in the course of the relationship.

    More red flags: he always would say “I do what I want”. If I questioned him, shouldn’t it be “we”, as a couple, deciding things together, he would never really give me an answer.
    He walked away in mid sentence if I was talking to him about something important to me.
    He would point at overweight women and said to me if I ever became like that he would leave me.
    He would always say “do this or I’ll leave you”.
    He made me believe everything I did was wrong, and that I had emotional problems because I didn’t think the way he did.

    I think his narci supply was my loving him, giving to him, and loaning him money. And I put up with this treatment, that got colder and colder. With a few crumbs of affection throw in, of course, just to keep me hanging in there.

    Finally, he had a death in his family, he inherited some money, and that was it, it’s over, he told me to find someone to love me! That he is moving away back down south without me, now that he had money. After getting me to believe that he loved me all along, because he told me so!

    Now I am trying to get over something that has been the hardest thing in my life to get over.
    I agree with everyone’s advice, Do not get involved with these types, educate yourself so you can tell from the beginning that they are narcissistic. It is a terrible emotional roller coaster ride you will go through. They could tell you they love you, but they don’t. They can lie without blinking an eye to get what they want. I thought it was the most perfect relationship in the beginning, but it’s just what they want you to believe.

  58. K.

    On June 1, 2010 at 11:13 am


    I want to thank you for posting these warning signs…I have been dating a man for 3 months, and each and everytime I see him I am more convinced by the moment that he is the classic narcissist, and its making me feel so empty, lonely and completely invisible. The traits you describe and traits I have found listed on other sites that describe NPD fit him EXACTLY, plus he is 100% consistent with these traits, meaning that he doesn\’t act in a narcissistic manner on occaison or on a bad day, but every phone call, interaction and experience is exactly the same-
    he does what you described- if I am , god forbid, talking about myself or ANYTHING that doesn\’t involve him, he either interrupts with a story about himself that is entirely irrelevant to the subject I was discussing, or say absolutely NOTHING, and then after silence begin a discussion about himself. I have yet to have him as me anything about myself, my job or anyone close to me, and we have been together for three months. Once I was crying over a personally stressful situation, and he said nothing, and then, while I still cried, told me a \”funny\” story about what happened at work to him that day. He is very unsexual, unaffectionate, and while I am an extremely affectionate and loving person, he can barely even acknowledge my existence, even while we are together for days. I am emotionally drained and it\’s only been three months! I would love to find a support group as I do not have many people in my life to provide me with any support or advice. If anyone would like to email me advice or some words of wisdome or encouragement, I would appreciate it with all my heart. I have never felt so alone and confused.

  59. K.

    On June 1, 2010 at 11:54 am


    by the way my email address is la_chiot_fripouille@hotmail.com , if anyone has any suggestions, support, or words of wisdom- thanks!

  60. Bob

    On June 4, 2010 at 1:51 am


    I was dating a narcissist for 3 years and 4 months. We must of had 15 breakups during this relationship. She was high-drama at times, but also can become very down as well. After our recent and final breakup (it has now been 2 months), I finally did a lot of research on this and she had all the characteristics of NPD. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with PTSD, but I knew this was the wrong evaluation, since she presented to her therapist how she wanted to be perceived. Whereas I have always thought someone needed to be there with her to give a true representation of how they are and what she does in certain situations. Since they are unwilling to seek psychotherapy and try to help their situation, they never want to accept that they need counseling. So in the end, we have to accept them for who they are, or move on in life without them. Well after being with her for these +3 years, even with all the arguments, self-admiration, never being able to speak my piece, whereas she can be telling her story for hours, always wanting me to call her beautiful, the best dancer, the best singer, the lack of empathy, etc… it goes on and on, I still love her for who she is. Also, I did a little research and a few articles suggest narcissists are formed early on in life especially if the mother was a narcissist and accepts a golden child over the scape goat child. Well this fits her to a tee… Her sister was 100% accepted by her mom, and she was abandoned. Her mother to this day does not have any photos of her in the house, and has all of her sister. Her mother even tells her to never communicate with her sister, and she will not get any inheritance. So these are other reasons why I care deeply for her. All the crap that she had to endure growing up. I am just someone with a big heart, and can’t walk away. I understand who they are and why they react to certain problems because of their childhood. So what am I to do? At this point, she only wants minimal contact from me. I tried to write some emails to show I still care/love her, but she tells me to move on and she is trying to date others. Though, I already know she will encounter many failing relationships. Even her ex-husband for 10 years said that i was the longest boyfriend without ever being married to her. During our relationship she begged and begged me to marry her. But when she knew I wouldn’t give in, those are when problems happened. I just wanted her to in her own way, know what she is doing wrong and try to improve her behavior. What to do? Send any helpful suggestions to editor@thrifttrading.com

  61. keerston

    On June 6, 2010 at 7:02 am


    I have dated a narcissistic for the past year. Thak God he is put away for a while I thought there was no way out. He had my mind so twisted into his what seemed to be passionate lies. He is always lookig for someone better when ot comes to women. He never has anything to give unless he is benefiting from it. He lie cheat or steel to get what he wants never shows no remourse for his bad treatment towards people. He just simply thinks it is okay to treat people like they always owe him something. This is a serious illness get out while you are ahead it causes nothing but heart ache and danger. they sucker anyone into there evil trap and once ur in its impossible to get ou

  62. Dee

    On June 26, 2010 at 2:05 am


    I\’m sure my now ex boyfriend is a Narcissistic. When we met he was ruined financially I felt sorry for him. This man was an entertainer that I\’m sure all of you know I won\’t mention his name to protect his identity. When I met him on the computer (my space) he seemed to be really down and out and needed a good friend. We dated for 5 1/2 years during this time I probably spent more than $20,000 with this man. I was more financially secure than he was. When I met him he was living with a friend and sleeping on their floor. Today, he is living in a 5 bedroom beautiful home in South Florida all because of me, the lease is in my name. I was planning on moving in the home in August. The house we chose was for our kids I have 1 daughter and he has 1 daughter and 2 sons. We wanted the kids to always know they had a home to come to. I resigned from my job in Michigan, sold everything in my home up to including my home. I was ready to be with my best friend for life so I thought. Two weeks ago I find out he\’s been dating someone else for sometime who lives in Atlanta. Ohhh, I forgot to mention that the water, lights and cell phone are all in my name. I checked my phone records and saw that he had been talking to someone a lot. I asked him about the calls he said that was his business and it wasn\’t my business who he was talking to on his phone even though the phone was in my name. I literally begged him to tell me who he was taking with so much. I got his attention when I told him I was going to call her. He actually said to me that I was trying to mess up his good thing. He hangs up the phone from me calls her and tells her not to answer the phone bcuz some crazy girl was going to call her. I called her she knew nothing of me and said that they are in love. Ok, I can accept that but when was he going to tell me. He knows I quit my job, sold my home and now I have no furniture. I continue to ask myself how could he do this to me. He acts like we never existed, never said I\’m sorry. Today, our roles are reversed I\’m sleeping in my home with just a mattress and television, no fridge or stove nothing bcuz I was supposed to be there. I\’m not a hateful person I am choosing to forgive him I will never forget what he did to me. I know now he never cared about me, he used me for what I could do for him and when I was unable he started looking for another narc supplier.

  63. Jac6569

    On July 9, 2010 at 6:54 pm


    I also used to date a narcissist; this guy was also a classic anti-social personality if I ever saw one. I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left to give. Once there was nothing left, so did he. This is not the first time I have gotten involved with a jerk like this, either, and I now know why: I suffer from a borderline personality disorder and severe low self-esteem, thanks to a horribly abusive and neglectful home life growing up, and people like us are often sought out by the narcissist/antisocial personality in order for them to take full advantage of whatever they can get.

  64. Jac6569

    On July 9, 2010 at 7:05 pm


    EARTHWOLF: Rest assured, the narcissistic personality (along with the antisocial personalty) is very difficult, if not impossible, to treat, because these people never feel bad about their transgressions against others, nor do they ever see anything wrong with themselves; it\’s always the other person\’s fault. These people basically lack an adequate conscience; think of people like Charles Manson and his followers, for example. Trust me, I know these things from experience as well as from my therapist. They\’re a lost cause, so if you begin to suspect that you\’re involved with one, RUN, don\’t walk, the other way. Had I done that, I would have been a lot happier person now, and I would still have most of my bank account, too.

  65. Jac6569

    On July 9, 2010 at 7:25 pm


    Dee,
    your ex-boyfriend is basically a sociopath, which often includes a huge component of narcissism as well. This disorder strikes far more men than women, too. The guy with an antisocial personality (a sociopath) tends to be cold, callous, and basically lacking in empathy and the ability to form healthy, warm and loving relationships. They are serial liars, cheaters, and users, making them unreliable friends and unfaithful spouses. As parents, they are inattentive and often abusive. I can’t stress this enough, if you suspect your partner is a sociopath, narcissist, etc., RUN, don’t walk, the other way because there IS no effective way to treat them since they are incapable of seeing anything wrong with themselves; this is also why very few of these types ever seek professioanl help for their condition. One only needs to look at 80% of our nation’s prisoners to see what a true sociopath is: an opportunistic infection and a vexation upon the warm, loving, and kind spirit of the average, normal human being who IS capable of loving others.

  66. melvaughn

    On July 28, 2010 at 11:16 pm


    I spent three months in a working relationship with my favorite mucisian who I discovered was a narcissist. Since I was the fan, it was very easy for him to take advantage of me! He’s very creative/artsy and I basically had a talent that he needed that he figured would make him look good (it probably also didn’t hurt that I’m young and attractive) He completely used me and was nice only until I did all the work for him. Soon after, he began to act all diva-like and rude. I spent sooo many hours working on a project for him!! My entire Christmas holidays too!!! I should have been credited for my work along with compensation and instead was left with nothing but extreme disappointment and disillusionment. Worst of all, I think he hoped I’d keep calling and hounding after him when he began to act rude so he could feel important/special (as it was he fished for compliments and seemed to need constant admiration) Brillantly, I discovered he was a narc fairly quickly and just suddenly disappeared on him. I went from giving him supply source (my attention) to dropping him with complete indifference. It was a brilliant move because two weeks later he was calling me, leaving me messages and trying to see if he could rope me back in…what a douchbag. It’s amazing how emotinally stunted narcs are and how they have such little self-awareness!! Right now, I’m pretty certain this guy blames me for how it turned out. “Poor him” I didn’t make myself into a punching bag to serve his delusions.

  67. dude

    On August 21, 2010 at 11:31 am


    My parents are fullblown narcissists but it never occured to me growing up with them due to other complications. My father is a politician so we moved around alot and I had no other choice but to depend on my father being in a completely different country every 4 years from the time I was born till about 18. My father got the perfect gig for a narcissist. Now that I wanted to move out and live my life, suddenly they turned their demonic narcissistic energy towards me full blast…I tripped in life…well…not really tripped…I thought it would be best if I moved close to where my older sister lives, so I could ask her for help if I had difficulties with the university bureaucracy stuff, since Ive moved around so long I dont really know anything about all that stuff. She had been in therapy and I thought she had changed…growing up with her was hell. She turned older guys in her class against me for whatever reason who would then hate me and bully me, claiming I did horrible stuff to her, when in truth she locked herself in her room as soon as she turned 13 and treated me as though im some sort of worm, so I kept to myself…well…you know the deal…narcissists…so…I thought she had changed and become more mature…wrong. She tripped me, telling me im insane and that I should go to a psychologist, cause of our upbringing like she had done…she did this of course to assassinate me and be the golden child´again…anyway…I can’t even begin where it all transpired or how my family did it…it was so gradual, like waves hitting a beach and they managed to completely erode my sense of selfworth, my identity, my whole being. Im a smart guy who could see through all their stuff at age 14, but they were just toying with me then. I dont know where to turn, they’ve maneuvered me into a corner with their feet on my head and if I try to wriggle out they kick me until im back in the corner and they have complete control over what I do.

  68. dude

    On August 21, 2010 at 11:49 am


    One good thing, that came out of this deal though is that in my life I could spot narcissists within minutes and cut them out of my life immediately. I could even toy with them completely seeing through all their transparent scheems, cause if you have distance to a narcissist and you know all their little games, they appear completely pathetic and if you pay attention you can catch them in their own lies infront of everyone and expose them pretty easily. But if it’s your family members it’s a different story. They’ve got this extra leverage on you, where you think you’re the bad guy for thinking about your ” mom and dad ” in this manner…they have excessive guilt and control tools in this situation…more than usual and they get to me for reasons I can’t explain. I feel like I’ve murdered someone, the guilt and shame is overbearing. Anyway…if you encounter narcissists cut them out immediately…ignore them and shoot down any connection they try to have with you. How to spot a narcissist is fairly simple. They talk a lot, but it doesn’t really make sense…they act unnatural and overly grand…beware of the memonsters.

  69. Anne

    On September 15, 2010 at 12:30 pm


    Hello all and thank you for all the helpful comments. I read through them all and feel less alone!! I am married to a narc and he has been severely verbally abusive. It’s clear from the postings that BOTH men and women can be narcs, and that one can end up involved with a narc if one is a man or a woman, gay or straight, etc.

    Who tends to get involved with narcs? Well, usually the kind, vulnerable, co-depdendent, giver type of person with low self-esteem. It’s possible another narc may be drawn to form a “club”. Sometimes the parner of a narc is just someone who is simply unlucky at a vulnerable time in their life so they get sucked in to the narc’s game. To the person that noted usually other narcs get involved with narcs, this isn’t necessarily true (picture two diva/divos battling it out) but someone with very mild narcissistic traits may be more easily sucked in (the moon to the full-blown narcissists sun).

    For me, sadly I’m the co-dependent type and am trying to change that, but my narc trait that led to me being sucked in is “fantasies of ideal love”. A narc really knows how to put on the charm and romance and this meets the void from a lonely childhood growing up with a narc parent.

    Sighhhhhhhhhh

    Anne

  70. J

    On September 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm


    Pretty sure I am a narcissist, but the kind that sabotages my relationships before they get off the ground because unconsciously I’m aware that I’m no good for her, and I don’t wanna be a vampire..

    To the one that said “pretty sure he feels nothing,” yes that’s it. The name Narcissus and the word narcosis (=numbness) have the same roots.

    To the one that said they can never change, well give me some hope please. I do think it has to do with childhood trauma. I’m sick of social ineptitudes and self-loathing, and being numb. I’m not saying I know what the treatment is, but I like what Eckhart Tolle wrote about “the pain-body” and I intend for mine to die off. Don’t know what anyone else thinks but I definitely think it’s possible. Why would someone be doomed for life? What a horrible thought.

  71. Johanan Rakkav

    On October 11, 2010 at 3:08 am


    Thanks, Nancy. I hope that you’ll continue to make progress at overcoming your past and avoiding narcissists and other troublesome people in your relationships. And let it be said that I enjoy the way you write.

    Though probably I should be saying this on a political page (perhaps in answer to the Triond article “Did Obama Save the World?”), it strikes me that we have a classic narcissist as the POTUS… supported by, and perhaps largely elected by, other narcissists. Whatever the case, perhaps we should recall what was said about the “Me Generation” at the time… in personal relationships, in politics, in business, in religion, in wherever.

    Maybe what a narcissist really lacks and needs is a good, strong Oppositional Personality in him… at least for starters. (That’s a Jungian term.) Literary alter egos and imaginary friends are often of that ilk (consider the relationship of Calvin and Hobbes: Hobbes is one of the few restraints that narcissist Calvin has).

  72. Guest

    On October 30, 2010 at 1:39 am


    To play Devil’s advocate here, how do we know that some of the people who are posting and claiming to have a partner or an ex who is a narcissist might not be a narcissist themselves? Seems to me that narcissist is to 2010 what co-dependent was to the 90s. A rather overused and abused term.

  73. Fawn raab

    On November 2, 2010 at 12:58 am


    I been reading night after night about narci so I can stuff all these information in my head to remind myself that I was with one so I can move on with my life. We met the end of june on a blind date. I was nervous the night before I can’t wait to meet this man. We been texted back and forth finally the day had come. I plan to supprise him. I got a bottle of wine, cheese, salami, olive and a mat. We met at a restaurant and I took him down to my favorite place in park. It was a beautiful evening we were on the hill. The sun about to come down on the west side over the river. We talk, we drink, we laugh, we kisses till 10:30 pm. First date was perfect. He asked to see me again on monday, we did and we couldn’t get enough of each other. one day after 3 weeks he said we should get marry and get over with, he misses me so much all the time. He would said my first name and his last together, I thought we were so in love. He introduce me to his friends and his aunt and uncle the second weeks. I was so happy in love, I didn’t know then I was in love with dr Jackyll and mr. hyke.
    Weeks goes by I realized he never ask anything about me or my family. It was all about him and his work. When he talk about work it doesn’t end. He hate the company he work for and the people he work with. We would go hiking to the most beautiful view on earth and all he talk about is his work. He makes good money and only work 4 days a week and a few hours a day. He spent his time drinking, bitching and blaming everyone else for his poor life style. When he have a bad day from work he either don’t wanted to see me for days or if he does I get to hear all the venting and then he broke up with me cause he have to focus on work. He have no relationship with his daughter or his mother. We plan a camping vacation together for a week, I took days off from work he change his mind. I can never plan anything ahead with him, he change his mind, he’s hot and he’s cold every other’s day. I was walking on eggshell. He said I rub him the wrong way and I didn’t even said anything yet. Something about me, he didn’t know. That was his famous line. He hate all his exe girl friend. How they all want something from him. I started to put two and two together and step back. I told him to let go of the pass and move on to a better place. I try to comfort him that I will never no that to him like his exes. He would complain about his back hurt, he have a cold. So I would rub his back and bring him soup. One night we were in bed I asked him to turn the tv off, he sat up turn over to me and start to snap at me for asking. He started to raise his voice and telling me I should go home and then asked me to stay after that. He apologize after that but I was wounded and shock at the time. He started to resent me and disappear on me over the weekend after that, not return my call or text. I confront him, he got mad. He told me he think I have some sort plan, I ask what he doesn’t know. He said that I wanted something from him, again I asked he doesn’t know yet he said.
    I told him he’s miserable and he should change the way he think. My girl friend call one day and told me he was checking her out on the dating site. I was crush I told him. He apologize and took his profile down and It was back up the next morning. I realized this is going to be an unending battle. That was how we met and so I surrender.
    I told him I escape my country and my family have to start over from nothing and he should appreciate for his life. He hate my gut and ended relationship. I’m still grieving over the beginning memories. I was lucky I was only in for 3 months. 3 months of rollers coaster.

  74. Pat

    On November 8, 2010 at 1:01 am


    Pat
    I am not sure if I dated a person with NPD. In the past 4 months of knowing him, he called of the relationship 6 times…i lost count actually. When he makes a come back….its always with the charming smses…….My friends find him selfish and self centered. He does not seem to have empathy for people and is very “curt”, When he calls of the r/ship, its over the phone – and after that he disappears and walks as if nothing happened. He can carry on life after a break up as if nothing happened. The last was last Friday, we had an argument and he calls me up & calls it off. ( we were supposed to book the church on Sunday…and cuase of an argument – Friday r.ship is OVER)…..I am now searching the net for answers…..When we do go out – during dating time, he will not fail to comment – if he sees someone more fairer or taller. Then he will look at me and say, you have a great personality compared to the fair/taller gals. I did ask him why he went for me, i think i recalled him saying….cause I had a good body, a good income and I am church going gal. I am educated but this guy made me feel like “dirt” now…for leaving me yet again. He is well off and has his own company and all……and he can charm any gal he wants. I am puzzled cause he is very God fearing and yet can walk without any empathy for people. He has no guy friends….He has only gal friends…….. I just dont understand how come an educated person like me can be so stupid. I go back each time forgiving him and then I am let down….again and again……I dont know if He will make another come back

  75. Narci Guy

    On November 20, 2010 at 4:23 pm


    And you’ll fall for it again because you believe in true love and the like. And we’ll keep doing it because it’s not sweet to stab someone in the back, it’s better to stab them in the front. Sucks to know that as we lay you down or kiss you…it could be anybody right there, ANYONE, but most likely we wish it was ourselves

  76. Gigi

    On November 29, 2010 at 6:20 pm


    The last comment is a little disturbing, but I suppose that was the intent, to rub one’s nose in it…classic narci. I feel sorry for you who-ever you are…it is sad to live your whole life and not ever become a WHOLE person who actually loves deeply and cares for people in a deep relationship. You will never be complete and never feel fulfilled (though you might tell yourself that). Sad…but of coarse that is directed to those with NPD that are NOT willing to change or are in denial that anything could possibly be wrong with them. I am one of the few that actually believe they can change. I am a Christian and as such I believe that God gave us free will that we have certain trials in our life to test us & we can rise to the challenge or let it envelop us, but the point is we have a choice we are not doomed to anything unless we choose it. And anyone with NPD may not ever be fully cured of it…but I do believe it can be curbed enough for them to have a meaningful relationship. The key is for them to first accept that they have it, understand that it is not a good thing & then to seek help. It doesn’t stop there though…they need to really want to change and maintain their soul, otherwise counselling or anything else will do nothing for them.

    In truth I have been married to a man with NPD for the past 7 years & am still hanging in there… It is an awful emotional emotional roller-coaster & If I had to do it all over again I don’t think I would & sadly he knows that now. He has made our marriage (or lack thereof) a living hell since day one. I didn’t know what was going on till about 2yrs into it, I finally decided I wasn’t the problem & started doing research. Once I got educated on it I started dissecting our relationship & investigating my husbands family & childhood. His father has full blown NPD and his mother left his dad when my husband was a small boy as a result of the abuse. This explained a lot and really helped me shed some light on the situation and helped him to see that what was going on is not normal even though it is all he has ever known (thanks to his father & his father before him). To him the way he behaved (ie. controlling, critical, self absorbed, no empathy, my way or the highway etc.) was how things had to be and anyone not following his rules was wrong. It has been a long road & there is more road to be traveled but he has actually made progress so that is why I am still in it. Some who have been thru the experience may think I am still in the “love is blind” stage or still getting suckered & maybe so to an extent but I am well aware of what is going on and have chose to try to help him for now since he wants to change. He is tired of the self loathing & hates the way he is though he doesn’t appear that way to the outside world & is a very successful business man. Its almost like the bi-polar disorder in some ways where a certain part of their brain takes over & it is so hard to control themselves, but he just needs to reprogram himself as to what is not ok & what is acceptable. It has been ingrained in him much like a child becomes an alcoholic even after they have witnessed the destruction an alcoholic parent had on them. A lot of the change in the way he is up to this point is as a result of myself seeking help & setting boundaries, choosing not to engage in his demented outbursts & training myself to not need or rely on him as much to fulfill my emotional needs since people with NPD are rarely capable of doing so. Any affection they give is almost always a selfish act so they can receive whatever it is they need in return. I have encouraged him to self reflect which is very difficult for people with this disorder. But he has been doing this & other things on his own now to change the way he thinks about things, like reading self help books/articles and controlling himself better. It will not be an overnight change which has been hard for him since he is always use to getting what he wants right away, but I can see the change taking place so it does give me some hope even though things are not great yet. Another thing I have done is I have made a goal for myself & given him a little time to perfect himself before I follow thru. I refuse to live out my life with someone this way, I put him thru school and never got to finish mine & now I am a stay at home mom & want to finish but he doesn’t want to fork over OUR $ for me to do it as it is not important since he is a successful breadwinner but I want to always have a plan B and fulfill my desires of my heart whether or not he thinks they are important…so I have been saving on my own & preparing to leave him one day (sad I know) if he doesn’t continually show progress so he has that constant reminder every time a check gets deposited into my personal acct. I have plans to start school as soon as we finish a 2yr project we are in right now…with or without his help. People with NPD tend to be “threshold changers” and won’t change the way they behave unless something drastic happens and even then its only temporary and they are back to there old habits shortly. I have made a point to follow thru on my threats or promises so that when I say something he listens & takes me seriously. Being in this relationship has left me jaded, but I suppose I am still a positive person in spite of it cause some good has come out of it. Before I met him I was a giver and co-dependent, I still am in many ways but I have learned to take care of myself which has actually helped my self esteem…being educated on the topic is half the battle to defeating NPD. Take the disgusting habit out of the scenario & in my particular situation, he is a really amazing individual…He is sooo driven, successful, handsome, a good dad as far as providing and playing with his son, he helps people when they need help though people with NPD have a difficult time doing that and not murmuring/complaining about having to help. He is God fearing and has morals which I think is a big part to his transformation process & why he is making an effort to change because he can’t do it for just me if it is to be a lasting change. If there is anyone out there involved with an NPD individual who refuses to believe they have it, doesn’t think they need to change or is not willing…unfortunately there is no hope & you definitely need to get out because it will never get better. I am not even out of the clear yet and my guy at least has a handle on the issue. The first step to getting out is making a plan and knowing that there are many successful loving relationships out there that are healthy and you are just as deserving as anyone to be able to have one of those no relationship is perfect but many are capable of being “healthy” & full of a deep love. I know this because my self esteem comes from my Heavenly Father who I know loves me & wants the best for me, it does not come from the kind of car I drive, clothes I wear or from my husband & his affections towards me… that is how I have been surviving this long and have been able to still have a positive outlook. Good luck to you all & I pray for those with NPD that they will have the desire to change & better themselves & the lives they touch. If you have any questions on how We got to this stage in our NPD relationship or positive remarks feel free to reply to imstillsmiling2@gmail

  77. Gigi

    On November 29, 2010 at 6:21 pm


    The last comment is a little disturbing, but I suppose that was the intent, to rub one\’s nose in it…classic narci. I feel sorry for you who-ever you are…it is sad to live your whole life and not ever become a WHOLE person who actually loves deeply and cares for people in a deep relationship. You will never be complete and never feel fulfilled (though you might tell yourself that). Sad…but of coarse that is directed to those with NPD that are NOT willing to change or are in denial that anything could possibly be wrong with them. I am one of the few that actually believe they can change. I am a Christian and as such I believe that God gave us free will that we have certain trials in our life to test us & we can rise to the challenge or let it envelop us, but the point is we have a choice we are not doomed to anything unless we choose it. And anyone with NPD may not ever be fully cured of it…but I do believe it can be curbed enough for them to have a meaningful relationship. The key is for them to first accept that they have it, understand that it is not a good thing & then to seek help. It doesn\’t stop there though…they need to really want to change and maintain their soul, otherwise counselling or anything else will do nothing for them.

    In truth I have been married to a man with NPD for the past 7 years & am still hanging in there… It is an awful emotional emotional roller-coaster & If I had to do it all over again I don\’t think I would & sadly he knows that now. He has made our marriage (or lack thereof) a living hell since day one. I didn\’t know what was going on till about 2yrs into it, I finally decided I wasn\’t the problem & started doing research. Once I got educated on it I started dissecting our relationship & investigating my husbands family & childhood. His father has full blown NPD and his mother left his dad when my husband was a small boy as a result of the abuse. This explained a lot and really helped me shed some light on the situation and helped him to see that what was going on is not normal even though it is all he has ever known (thanks to his father & his father before him). To him the way he behaved (ie. controlling, critical, self absorbed, no empathy, my way or the highway etc.) was how things had to be and anyone not following his rules was wrong. It has been a long road & there is more road to be traveled but he has actually made progress so that is why I am still in it. Some who have been thru the experience may think I am still in the \”love is blind\” stage or still getting suckered & maybe so to an extent but I am well aware of what is going on and have chose to try to help him for now since he wants to change. He is tired of the self loathing & hates the way he is though he doesn\’t appear that way to the outside world & is a very successful business man. Its almost like the bi-polar disorder in some ways where a certain part of their brain takes over & it is so hard to control themselves, but he just needs to reprogram himself as to what is not ok & what is acceptable. It has been ingrained in him much like a child becomes an alcoholic even after they have witnessed the destruction an alcoholic parent had on them. A lot of the change in the way he is up to this point is as a result of myself seeking help & setting boundaries, choosing not to engage in his demented outbursts & training myself to not need or rely on him as much to fulfill my emotional needs since people with NPD are rarely capable of doing so. Any affection they give is almost always a selfish act so they can receive whatever it is they need in return. I have encouraged him to self reflect which is very difficult for people with this disorder. But he has been doing this & other things on his own now to change the way he thinks about things, like reading self help books/articles and controlling himself better. It will not be an overnight change which has been hard for him since he is always use to getting what he wants right away, but I can see the change taking place so it does give me some hope even though things are not great yet. Another thing I have done is I have made a goal for myself & given him a little time to perfect himself before I follow thru. I refuse to live out my life with someone this way, I put him thru school and never got to finish mine & now I am a stay at home mom & want to finish but he doesn\’t want to fork over OUR $ for me to do it as it is not important since he is a successful breadwinner but I want to always have a plan B and fulfill my desires of my heart whether or not he thinks they are important…so I have been saving on my own & preparing to leave him one day (sad I know) if he doesn\’t continually show progress so he has that constant reminder every time a check gets deposited into my personal acct. I have plans to start school as soon as we finish a 2yr project we are in right now…with or without his help. People with NPD tend to be \”threshold changers\” and won\’t change the way they behave unless something drastic happens and even then its only temporary and they are back to there old habits shortly. I have made a point to follow thru on my threats or promises so that when I say something he listens & takes me seriously. Being in this relationship has left me jaded, but I suppose I am still a positive person in spite of it cause some good has come out of it. Before I met him I was a giver and co-dependent, I still am in many ways but I have learned to take care of myself which has actually helped my self esteem…being educated on the topic is half the battle to defeating NPD. Take the disgusting habit out of the scenario & in my particular situation, he is a really amazing individual…He is sooo driven, successful, handsome, a good dad as far as providing and playing with his son, he helps people when they need help though people with NPD have a difficult time doing that and not murmuring/complaining about having to help. He is God fearing and has morals which I think is a big part to his transformation process & why he is making an effort to change because he can\’t do it for just me if it is to be a lasting change. If there is anyone out there involved with an NPD individual who refuses to believe they have it, doesn\’t think they need to change or is not willing…unfortunately there is no hope & you definitely need to get out because it will never get better. I am not even out of the clear yet and my guy at least has a handle on the issue. The first step to getting out is making a plan and knowing that there are many successful loving relationships out there that are healthy and you are just as deserving as anyone to be able to have one of those no relationship is perfect but many are capable of being \”healthy\” & full of a deep love. I know this because my self esteem comes from my Heavenly Father who I know loves me & wants the best for me, it does not come from the kind of car I drive, clothes I wear or from my husband & his affections towards me… that is how I have been surviving this long and have been able to still have a positive outlook. Good luck to you all & I pray for those with NPD that they will have the desire to change & better themselves & the lives they touch. If you have any questions on how We got to this stage in our NPD relationship or positive remarks feel free to reply to imstillsmiling2@gmail

  78. D-

    On December 4, 2010 at 9:02 pm


    I dated a guy for almost two years – 2 years of doing what he wanted, when he wanted to do it and with NO consideration for me or my feelings or anything that I wanted to do. He always would “keep his nose to the grind-stone” and was happy being at home. He was obsessed with the vaccum lines on the carpet and the rug tassles all going in one direction. He NEVER opened his blinds or windows. He’s deathly affraid of spiders and fear that they will come in the house if the windows are open. He is also allergic to A/C. Two very HOT summers to say the least.
    He was obsessed with his appearance, would make rude comments about men who weren’t “as attractive” as him (particulary bald men), and had what he called a “market share” mentality when it came to dating. Not because he was such a wonderful man, but because he was a lacto-vegetarian with good grooming habits and he had a nice last name. Really?? A last name that he would never share with anyone because he would never marry a woman who wasn’t a virgin. Keep in mind, I’m in my 40’s – how many 40 year old virgins do you know of?? It was his pathetic excuse to not marry anyone. He would pride himself on the women he had sex with (why a person would tell the person their “dating” about their past partners, baffles me) and said that he was entitled to having sex with them because “it’s a man’s job to knock” and it’s a woman’s job to “keep the door shut”. Therefore, all girls were/are not qualified to be him.
    He appeared to be a good guy in the beginning and even told me that he was falling in love with me after only two weeks of dating – that should have been my biggest red flag!!! In the past 6 or so months, I have tolerated such statements as “You are such a bitch!” and “You are so annoying!” – statements that did not improve my now lessened self-esteem. If a conversation wasn’t going the way that he wanted it to, he’d just hang up and turn off his phone (home and/or cell). He would withhold sex from me for weeks at a time “because I was being bad” .
    I ALWAYS felt neglected sexually. He only wanted to have sex missionary and thought that all other positions were “dirty” and that only “faggots” gave blow jobs. Wrong!!! We broke up a couple of weeks ago and weaning myself from him has been like trying to quit smoking. It’s become an addiction – not a healthy one to say the least. I’m just glad that I am not the only one out there that feels like this- the giver in the relationship – with the taker laughing saddistically and not missing the giver at all. The saddest and most pathetic part of this – is the way we broke up. He got a ticket and had to go to traffic court. He asked me to lie for him in court and I told him no. He said that if he couldn’t “depend on me” under this type of circumstance – that he couldn’t “use me for anything”. Had I known then, what I know now – I would have run like hell, as fast as I could, from this man and his ability to make me feel horrible!! I will heal, I am strong – but the pain I feel right now is very real. I wish all of you the best – we are deserving of so much more. We just seem to be attracted to people that will hurt us. I hope to one day break the cycle.

  79. Missn

    On December 4, 2010 at 11:01 pm


    I spend much of my time studying and learning about narcissism because the last male I was with who was verbally and emotionally abusive told me I was. I think I am codependent although there may have been some problems around that behavior in the past. Who has the problem? He has been married four times and left all his children along with all those women. Who has the problem? Maybe both since codependence is a spiritual problem as well. I really don’t know….I think I may have had some problems with NPD in the past but atleast I try to work on….he would never, in a million years consider himself to have that problem.

  80. anonymous

    On December 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm


    my BF tends to dominate the conversation, but doesn’t have lack of emphathy. im not sure if he’s a narcissist.. i don’t think he is, but its got me worried because hes always distracted by the TV when im talking to him.

  81. Same as above..

    On December 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm


    Wow.

    from all of these stories i’m hearing, i would suggest everyone break it off with these men.. as for me, i don’t think mine is a ‘narci’ (even though he likes to talk and is distracted by the TV)..
    anyway, these are BAD people. break it off with these men. these are selfish, egotistical bastards. why would you put yourself through this? if you are unhappy, please break up… these stories i’m hearing are horrible. walking out in mid-conversation?? Ok, thats absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

    take these selfish little babies and shove them under your boot! there is no reason to stay with them, at all.

  82. Same as above..

    On December 14, 2010 at 3:18 pm


    Wow.

    from all of these stories i\’m hearing, i would suggest everyone break it off with these men.. as for me, i don\’t think mine is a \’narci\’ (even though he likes to talk and is distracted by the TV)..
    anyway, these are BAD people. break it off with these men. these are selfish, egotistical bastards. why would you put yourself through this? if you are unhappy, please break up… these stories i\’m hearing are horrible. walking out in mid-conversation?? Ok, thats absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

    take these selfish little babies and shove them under your boot! there is no reason to stay with them, at all.

  83. Ella

    On January 28, 2011 at 6:00 pm


    Narcs prey on kind, nurturing and loving people. They know that you want the same in return. Therefore, they become that person up until you(victim) have fallen in love with them. Then enters the person that they truly are. They are ornery, unempathetic and self-serving. Narcs are only about what’s best for them and F how you feel about ANY! I just ended a almost 5yr relationship with one. As the years went by he became worse and worse. Narcs are habitual liers, cheaters and deceivers. I found out that he was sleeping with two other women outside our relationship that I know of, and get this, they knew about me.

  84. COUM

    On January 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm


    I am pretty self involved, but I try to remember that other people exist and are just as important as me. I have close friends, but I’ve never been in a romantic relationship that lasted more than a week. Theres always a point I reach where it seems theres a 10,000 mile wide gulf between us. i used to think it was HER fault for not being able to connect, but I’ve come to see that its entirely my fault. You can’t connect with someone if theres nothing to connect WITH.

    Unfourtunatly I dont see myself resolving this anytime soon; I’m 22 now and if I was going to figure it out, I probably would have by now. Id like to have a girlfriend, but girls seem to see through me and realize that I have nothing to offer. If I am a narcissist, its probably better for others that I dont get too involved.

  85. blown

    On February 8, 2011 at 11:42 pm


    Some brainwashing statements from the N to his lover:

    “All men are cheaters; including me. It’s natural. if you want to date a man, you NEED to accept this cheating behavior, explicitely or implicitly.”

    “I want threesome sometimes, including you and the other girl”

    “I thought you are different than other women; you are actually not, you are jeolous, insecure, and annoying, just like those I dumped.”

    “I cheated on my ex-wife because she did not love me and treat me well”

    “I need love; you don’t have to do anything; just love me”

    “You are perfect for 95% according to my criteria (a.k.a., nothing is going to be enough for me).

    “It’s a mater of old and new (on women)”

    “I have my own things that I don’t want you to know, and you probably have something you don’t want me to know (no, I do not have intimacy problem like the N , and more important, I have nothing to hide!).

  86. Sasha

    On February 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm


    I am glad that I am not alone in what I have recently been through with a narci. When I met him I thought WOW he is perfect and things were great in the beginning. I mistakenly trusted him and told him about the bad relationship I had come through a year earlier and he knew exactly how to sweep me off my feet. But when we finally got together (because we met on a holiday abroad) heck was I in for a reality check. Started off with him being the victim of sorts, then it was all my fault, then it was the financial and emotional abuse and finally the infidelity and break up. At least it was swift and I put him on the next plane to go back to where he came from. But I feel for all of us narci survivors, it hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before and I pray to all the angels that none us go through it again.

  87. Corey

    On February 21, 2011 at 4:26 am


    SOMETHING TO KNOW about narcissists:

    THEY WILL ACCUSE YOU of being narcissistic. During a fit of rage from my boyfriend, I was accused of “talking over him,” and being “self involved.” The entire time I was sobbing but his anger was more important. I then got accused, because I was sobbing, of telling him he didn’t have the right to have feelings.

    And after THAT, I was told I was narcissistic. After that I searched websites, including this one, to find out if I was narcissistic. I realized that if I was searching these sites to find out if I was: I wasn’t.

    They play with your head. If they cal you a narcissist and you freak because you think you may be one: you’re not.

  88. AnnieB

    On April 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm


    Well, one of my first clues that I was with a Narc was when he had a terrorizing rage because of my legs strayed across to his side of the bed.

    It went on from there!!

    AnnieB

  89. Madison

    On April 27, 2011 at 3:43 pm


    I grew up with a narcisstic mother and older brother and although
    I sensed from an early age something was very wrong, I kept
    trying and trying to make it “work” with them and have a “family”.

    Its only recently in the past few years that I have weeding out the negative images they projected on to me, especially around any area of my life where God forbid, I ever attracted any hint
    positive attention from others. They both have a laundry list of health/financial/career/etc complaints, and its everyone elses doing in their view why this is so. My mother made it clear
    her life was ruined by having children, and listening to her
    screaming and complaining should be like a lucky day for me,
    because I get to hear how she feels (again)
    I walked around feeling homely, inept, and mean through out
    my early life when these
    things were not the case.
    I still get hooked by guilt that I am supposed to help them out
    and be a “good” person and I am 50 years old! However, I can
    now feel compassion for them AND stay far away at the same time,
    and the quality of my life has continued to improve in leaps and
    bounds-
    Its amazing-I appreciate life so much now-and I can stear clear
    of such people easily because I can read the signs right away.

  90. Madison

    On April 27, 2011 at 3:44 pm


    I grew up with a narcisstic mother and older brother and although
    I sensed from an early age something was very wrong, I kept
    trying and trying to make it \”work\” with them and have a \”family\”.

    Its only recently in the past few years that I have weeding out the negative images they projected on to me, especially around any area of my life where God forbid, I ever attracted any hint
    positive attention from others. They both have a laundry list of health/financial/career/etc complaints, and its everyone elses doing in their view why this is so. My mother made it clear
    her life was ruined by having children, and listening to her
    screaming and complaining should be like a lucky day for me,
    because I get to hear how she feels (again)
    I walked around feeling homely, inept, and mean through out
    my early life when these
    things were not the case.
    I still get hooked by guilt that I am supposed to help them out
    and be a \”good\” person and I am 50 years old! However, I can
    now feel compassion for them AND stay far away at the same time,
    and the quality of my life has continued to improve in leaps and
    bounds-
    Its amazing-I appreciate life so much now-and I can stear clear
    of such people easily because I can read the signs right away.

  91. Madison

    On April 27, 2011 at 3:45 pm


    I grew up with a narcisstic mother and older brother and although
    I sensed from an early age something was very wrong, I kept
    trying and trying to make it \\\”work\\\” with them and have a \\\”family\\\”.

    Its only recently in the past few years that I have weeding out the negative images they projected on to me, especially around any area of my life where God forbid, I ever attracted any hint
    positive attention from others. They both have a laundry list of health/financial/career/etc complaints, and its everyone elses doing in their view why this is so. My mother made it clear
    her life was ruined by having children, and listening to her
    screaming and complaining should be like a lucky day for me,
    because I get to hear how she feels (again)
    I walked around feeling homely, inept, and mean through out
    my early life when these
    things were not the case.
    I still get hooked by guilt that I am supposed to help them out
    and be a \\\”good\\\” person and I am 50 years old! However, I can
    now feel compassion for them AND stay far away at the same time,
    and the quality of my life has continued to improve in leaps and
    bounds-
    Its amazing-I appreciate life so much now-and I can stear clear
    of such people easily because I can read the signs right away.

  92. Abdullah

    On May 28, 2011 at 9:40 am


    This seems like a very nice profession; Narcissist. How does one get certified? Seems most Narcissistians keep their jobs though they don’t perform very well? Please explain. I dream of being a good performing Narcissist. I will be licensed and insured. Any females looking for a nice new naricissist please visit my site. I will only take half your soul, not all of it. Isn’t that nice? ;)

  93. Lynn Sinno

    On June 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm


    I Was with one for 5 Months I was 19 he was 30. In them 5 months he made me believe I was going to be his life partner, have a baby with him and that I would move in with him. He promised me all sorts. a new car, a lovely holiday, clothes. So many times I was told I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and he would never find anyone better than me, He told me no one would care about me like he did, he told me I would not find anyone better than him. He raped me twice and I suffered other abuse, after it happend he would start promising me the world again. He made me believe I would only be happy with him and that if i left i would miss him, He said no one would understand me like he did. Then one day he dropped me like a hat, 2 weeks after telling me i was going to have his baby and move in with him he dumped me. I asked why he said he’s a changeable person, He is an evil man who took advantage of me and abused me.

  94. LAthens

    On October 17, 2011 at 6:21 pm


    Been there! Felt confused,desparate and shocked.
    I strongly recommed you read this book,it helped me a lot!

    http://www.amazon.com/Stalking-Soul-Marie-France-Hirigoyen/dp/188558699X

  95. LAthens

    On October 17, 2011 at 6:23 pm


    *desperate

  96. A. Elly

    On November 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm


    Hi, I am hoping that someone here can help me understand something. I’m married to a severe N. Sometimes when he is trying to “connect” with me (and likely manipulate me), I feel an emotion that otherwise is foreign to me and that I don’t otherwise experience. For example, if he makes deep eye contact, I feel a hot wave go up my back and neck, I feel a sense of abiding horror, paralyzed. This feeling is especially pronounced if he is being calm, polite, serene and behaving well in that moment, and even more pronounced if he is tearful/appears emotional. It isn’t my usual fear/anxiety reaction which I do have when he is angry and yelling. The unusual feeling itself last for 1-2 days even if I am away from him. Does anyone here know what this means?

    Sincerely,
    E

  97. Clorox

    On November 20, 2011 at 6:39 pm


    Ladies, you should LOVE this. Prince charming took me dancing and swept me off my feet for weeks. When we seemed to be the “closest” he psychologically sucker punched me—but I read many of these forums and I was pre-pared!

    I was prepared because he was withholding sex at first, and I was on the internet researching why after several weeks he seemed sexually frigid—yet teasing me? So I was able to study up on cerebral narcs before he did the “shock and awe” trick, which I knew would include dumping me just before an important event and just when we seemed the happiest.

    Witholding sex is the first attribute I saw re narcissism. Withholding is a method for some to feel in “control.” It is not about religion, “respecting me” or other factors I was thinking, trust the fact maybe I am not desirable was on the potential list.

    I only had four months in, before I knew something was wrong and read about Narcs. But I was able to slay a narcissi and make him want to come back for more!

    The big event was about to happen, (me meeting his mother—the reason for his season) and a few other neat things all on one day. A week before we were to go away-he calls me and almost in ONE sentence starts cancelling all of our plans.

    I took a deep breath and knocked him down to the ground in the same phone call. He had never heard me swear, or threaten him in any manner, or be “ghetto” in any way. And he thought he was going to leave the phone call on his terms. Ha ha ha ha ha. I told him he was “old” and “dirty” and about to need a “walker” and a whole bunch of stuff that will make a narc want to curl up and die. I did to him WHAT he was trying to do to me.

    I had him so upset, he even called back later to claim “I am worried about you!” (Yeah, sure, he was worried I would tell all of his friends. Well, he has no friends, but employees.) When he called back he tried to explore “can’t we just be friends?” Which as you all know is another attempt to put me down, feel me out, and make me sense he does not desire me.

    I told him “No. I do not want to be friends with you. You have no friends.” And just content like that.

    A week later he writes me “I want to die, I do not want to go anywhere or do anything” and I just chuckled. He was trying to get me back into “supply source” mode and I guess failed at whatever supply he had secured circa the time of our first fight. He has tested me a few times since, I think perplexed I was not jumping into submission, exclaiming my love for him (Gee they expect the same routine of pleading and I was not giving it to him…) So, my narc never got closure with me at all. I will be the one he reports to future women that he cared about and “got away,” I will be the one like his Mom who never cared for him, I will be the exception and not the statistic.

    SURE I miss him and his exquisite body. Every day. But I come in to these rooms and read ALL the years of fun I missed, torture and torment, and feel safe. Thanks! You ladies gave me life. And the tools to knock a narc out of his socks.

  98. kendira

    On January 29, 2012 at 5:58 pm


    I am so happy to have found this site, God is Good! I believe that the man that I met and fell in love with is a Narcissist. I am sure that I have encountered this type of person before but never felt the strong pull that i have emotionally in this situation. I met him through business 9 months ago and he is a very driven man which attracted me to him initially(because I am also). We had what felt like a magical connection and didn’t follow up for 2 months, then we started talking on the phone for 9-10 hours a day for months which eventually progressed to seeing each other in person. Upon reflection, he would talk about his interpersonal struggles and some of the deepest life talk that anyone could have. I am an intellectual so this was intriquing to me. The relationship progressed and all of a sudden I am finding myself doing more crying then i have ever did…I am 39 and thought that he was the one for me but the rollercoaster ride feels crazy. The most sacred time for me is how your day comes in but my fear is from how we go to sleep the night before to the morning, i do not know who i am going to wake up to. It seems that before something significant he turns into another person and goes into full shut down. On the other side, I see if I do not say anything for the full day, I will receive the nicest person with all the adoration that I want. Is it that he wants a mute? hmmm. Something else, he will shut us in the house all day to go over his goals and routine…telling me that he has to get it right before going out the door. He literally will listen to audio tapes, read and of course my role in this is giving him “FEEDBACK”. I cook and he always tell me something that I could have put in like more pepper. I cooked breakfast in bed and he sees that my hands are full with all the amenities and he gets mad that I didn’t bring up the ketchup and has an attitude while eating this great breakfast that I cooked. Is this classic? He had an emotional childhood with 2 parents that abandoned him while he was raised by his grandmother. How does someone talk about marriage on Wednesday and then doesn’t talk to you at all on Thursday??? HUH? When I ask is there something wrong when he gets up with a scowl and he will say “You need to talk to God”, “If you had faith, you would stop complaining”, or “Just relax”, “You have me, you just need to relax”. Does this sound familiar? I feel that I am in the matrix, can i get some feedback?

  99. CentralNJCathy

    On March 2, 2012 at 9:54 am


    I’ve been ther done that. His famous line to me was “sorry you feel that way”. In other words, Too bad for you, I’m going to do nothing about my actions and infidelity. Good luck NY, NJ, PA women he is back on the dating sites. Beware and be safe.

  100. CentralNJCathy

    On March 2, 2012 at 9:56 am


    I’ve been ther done that. His famous line to me was “sorry you feel that way”. In other words, Too bad for you, I’m going to do nothing about my actions and infidelity. Good luck NY, NJ, PA women he is back on the dating sites. Beware and be safe.

  101. CentralNJCathy

    On March 2, 2012 at 9:56 am


    I’ve been ther done that. His famous line to me was “sorry you feel that way”. In other words, Too bad for you, I’m going to do nothing about my actions and infidelity. Good luck NY, NJ, PA women he is back on the dating sites. Beware and be safe.

  102. Guest

    On March 10, 2012 at 5:26 pm


    Wow – this describes my ex-boyfriend to a T. Everything was about him – none of my feelings or goals or aspirations mattered. If I didn\’t cater to him and his hobbies, or did something with my friends, or worked the occasional late night, I was cold and disconnected and a workaholic. But if I tried to be more involved and show more interest, then he needed his space. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Every day with him was walking on eggshells – I never knew what mood I\’d find him in. If I had the occasional bad day and vented, he would tell me he couldn\’t deal with my negativity – he needed someone to cheer him up and make him feel better. Only his baggage mattered. Of course I thought I could fix him and make everything better.

    Getting rid of him was the best thing I ever did. And he\’s back in the same patterns – trolling on dating websites, trying to find that magical girl that will \”get\” him and make everything better.

  103. Tanya

    On April 17, 2012 at 12:24 am


    I was datIng a guy for a few months and realize now, after reading this site that he was a narci. In the beginning he was a charming nice guy. Then I started to see his true colours and didn’t understand them. I noticed he Would always dominate the conversation and every time it would be about him and when I would say something he would talk over me and interupt, this always annoyed me as I couldn’t get a word in to say something so I would just sit there and listen to him the while time. He use to talk himself up alot and makeout like he was the best real estate agent Ever. He was never affectionate or spoke about his feelings. He had no respect for me or consideration or empathy for my feelings. If we got into a fight or a disagreement he would always manipulate and turn it around so it was my fault. I would then doubt myself and my decisions and at the time I actually felt like it was my fault and I would feel bad. Also he only wanted to do what he wanted, whether it be only see me when it suited him and we only went to places he liked. He was very jealous of other guys.

    Anyways so glad I ended things with him after 4months. It was
    the best decision to leave him. I have never met a guy so Heartless and an empty soul. In a way this experience has made me a stronger person and next time I’ll bE more aware if I meet a guy with the same character. So to anyone dating a narci, leave now before it gets worst. You will end up with no self-esteem and lose sense of yourself. I consider myself lucky as I still have my self-esteem and I ended the relationship because I know I deserve better and can find a better guy out there and all you girls can too!!!! Stay strong xxx

  104. Raindown

    On May 12, 2012 at 9:42 am


    I was seeing a narci for about 4 years, pretty much ended it with him half a year ago. It was HELL! He also would make himself food when I went to visit, but never offer me any. He’d tell me to dress up so we could go out. I would spend hours shopping for the perfect outfit and accessories, another few hours getting ready, show up, and then he would change his mind without even telling me. I would have to ask a couple hours after showing up if we were going, then he would say he was too tired.

    He only once in the four years ever came to my house. All other times, I would go to his, yet spend the whole time on his futon watching him on his computer. I was bored out of my mind, but like an idiot, chose to be bored.

    He was exceptional at his job and a perfectionist, yet he was always complaining that everyone else were idiots. When I complained about mine, he called me stupid. He told me that he didn’t want to hear about it because I failed to report this to investigators. He didn’t give a crap when I told him that I didn’t want to rock the boat and get terminated. Yet, he said his situation was different. He called women in movies vulgar names. Women walking around names. His sister, his mother, his ex wife, his daughter. He’s called me every name in the book.

    He would blow up at me when I asked something, like the time I heard a helicopter flying overhead and wondered which company was or what the name of that mountain was. I was an idiot and it was my fault when I told him about the guy who didn’t say thank you when I helped jump a car, when I told the Walmart greeter about the car without a placard parked in the handicap spot. And he just about lost it when I applied lipstick in the car after we left the house.

    Every conversation revolved around him, and when I talked about me, he would change the subject as if I didn’t even speak. He threw away the food I bought him because it was too cold. He said I was the worse driver he had ever seen. I wear clothes that make me look like Planet of the Apes and I wear my hair the wrong way. My shoes, polish and lipstick never match and I look like a clown. Geezus.

  105. Raindown

    On May 12, 2012 at 10:01 am


    We’ve broken up countless times and gotten back equally. He always seemed to be involved with other women, because he chose to not make us exclusive. However, he was very sly about it and kept most of his doings a secret.

    He’s always had clashes with coworkers and family and claim that they were all stupid.

    I went to visit him in Florida and said the one thing I REALLY wanted to do was go to a seafood buffet. We made plans, but when I arrived, we did things he wanted. When I asked about the buffet, he said he wasn’t hungry. But took me to the Golden Corral instead and told me they had seafood. He ORDERED me not to go up and get more food until I finished what I had because I was embarrassing him.

    He’s now with another woman who he had been seeing for the last 3 years while seeing me. It seems that he has settled down because she has somehow convinced him to go to her church. Yet, somehow, I believe that she’s going through the same thing I did. A leopard can never change its stripes. This man is too hateful to change. And I hope he lives the rest of his miserable life miserably, as I told him in my email. By the way, my email called him selfish, self centered, hateful and everything else. I also attached a picture of myself and a man I went on a date with. He told me that he is really upset with the email and I finally apologized for sending the picture and that it was very juvenile. He said he couldn’t care less about the picture, but that I owed him an apology for the things I said about him. That was an apology he never got.

  106. Helen

    On June 7, 2012 at 2:11 am


    I think the person I live with is a narcissist. He is controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative. Something he did today pissed me off. I have been unemployed for a long time due to mental illness and have gained weight leaving me without any decent clothes to wear. He invites me out and I don’t want to go because I feel fat and ugly and inappropriately dressed so he took me to the mall. He made sure I downloaded coupons and made it clear he wanted me to buy something so I did. I found a great deal on clearance and got in the car all excited and feeling good for a change so he had to dump all over it. He immediately started attacking me over money issues, blaming me for his money problems and making me feel like I just committed a crime by buying myself something even though he encouraged me to do so. His money issues are a direct result of his addiction to day trading and cheating on me with escorts so like why is this my problem? And why does he drag me to the mall, encourage me to buy something and then make me feel like crap for doing so? I didn’t even want to leave the house that day, I only did so because he insisted that we go to the stupid mall. He does stuff like this all the time, encourages me to do something then attacks me for doing it which leaves me so confused I don’t know what to think. Another example is that he makes passive aggressive remarks about my weight so I go on a diet then he brings in all kinds of fattening food and makes me feel guilty if I don’t want to eat it but if I do eat it then he makes snide remarks about my hips or compares me to my fat mother. Why does he confuse me like this? I feel like everything I do is wrong.

  107. Helen

    On June 7, 2012 at 2:11 am


    I think the person I live with is a narcissist. He is controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative. Something he did today pissed me off. I have been unemployed for a long time due to mental illness and have gained weight leaving me without any decent clothes to wear. He invites me out and I don’t want to go because I feel fat and ugly and inappropriately dressed so he took me to the mall. He made sure I downloaded coupons and made it clear he wanted me to buy something so I did. I found a great deal on clearance and got in the car all excited and feeling good for a change so he had to dump all over it. He immediately started attacking me over money issues, blaming me for his money problems and making me feel like I just committed a crime by buying myself something even though he encouraged me to do so. His money issues are a direct result of his addiction to day trading and cheating on me with escorts so like why is this my problem? And why does he drag me to the mall, encourage me to buy something and then make me feel like crap for doing so? I didn’t even want to leave the house that day, I only did so because he insisted that we go to the stupid mall. He does stuff like this all the time, encourages me to do something then attacks me for doing it which leaves me so confused I don’t know what to think. Another example is that he makes passive aggressive remarks about my weight so I go on a diet then he brings in all kinds of fattening food and makes me feel guilty if I don’t want to eat it but if I do eat it then he makes snide remarks about my hips or compares me to my fat mother. Why does he confuse me like this? I feel like everything I do is wrong.

  108. Babs

    On June 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm


    I really want to add a word of ‘thanks’ for this article, but also to the people who shared their stories about dating Narcis. I broke it off yesterday after our latest fight (which of course according to him was “all my fault”.) After reading this and other articles,and talking to friends I sent an email to him of what I would not accept. He agreed to talk in person, and I made a very defined list in my mind of what behaviors (purely narcissitic, unbending attitude) would be deal breakers and prepared myself to being fully committed to not giving in. And he displayed the worst case scenario. I calmly told him it wouldn’t work. And he stayed calm too. I told him that I did love him, but we just weren’t compatible, and he agreed to that as well. I’m sure in his mind for completely different reasons (that there is something wrong with ME) but either way, it was a successful break up BECAUSE of this information. The education gave me strength of conviction, and I think Narci’s are emotion vampires and can use even the tiniest show of fear or pain to their advantage. Thank you again!

  109. Done

    On August 15, 2012 at 5:29 pm


    Isn’t it crazy how we are all married to or dating the same guy? Lord have mercy on us all.

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