10 Tips to Help You Get a Coffee Date
A lot of the men I talk to have issues getting to through the first steps of starting a new relationship with someone. While highly motivated, these guys simply lose their steam when faced with an attractive woman. Between the fear of rejection and the risk of losing one’s dignity, these men find themselves hoping and day dreaming instead of taking action.
To help us guys out, I’ve compiled a list of 10 tips that will at least get you to to talking to a woman in a socially acceptable manner with the intent of starting a relationship. I’m not going to go as far as claiming I’m a pick up artist, a seducer or a Casanova, but I can make the claim that I’ve been through the fires of initial social contact more times then I can count, and came out successfully more then even I expected.
Note that this list is far from complete, and it’s not in any order whatsoever. I would recommend this as a great starting point. Also know that there is no substitute for experience. If you want to be better at talking to women, the first thing you should do is talk to them, spending time talking to women will make you more comfortable around them, and your relaxed approach to what might be a tense encounter will make them relaxed as well.
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Be Confident
When you approach a woman, show no fear. Do it confidently, and relaxed. Treat it like a meeting with your boss at work where you already know what he is going to tell you. Even though you do not know the outcome, your confidence will change your body language so that she will be more likely to respond favorably. Women like a man that “knows what he wants, and knows how to get it.”
Being confident displays that you know what you want (her) and you know how to get it (asking her to spend time with you). On this note, when I was just learning to talk to women, I was told by a good friend of mine to “fake it until you make it.”
Now, this doesn’t mean to be someone you are not, but rather to be yourself, but confident. Confidence isn’t spoken, it’s presented. Practice methods that make you less nervous, such as breathing control, and mental imagery. Breathing control is simply focusing on your breathing and your body instead of whatever is making you nervous.
Mental imagery is more complicated. In mental imagery, you want to envision yourself going through the whole situation successfully before you even talk to someone. Consider the possibilities that could happen, and how you would handle them in a confident manner. You’ll find if you already anticipated the obstacle well before you actually encounter it, you will be able to handle it much better.
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The 3 Seconds Rule
The “3 seconds rule” I read was first attributed to a man going by the name Mystery. He claimed, “that once you make eye contact with a woman, you have 3 seconds to talk to her.” In truth, this rule doesn’t matter. What it really means is that it takes about 3 seconds to go from, “Wow, I want to meet her” to “There’s no way she’d ever talk to me.” When you are just starting out, this rule forces you to surpass your fears of contact with the opposite gender and realize that simply talking to someone will not harm you or them.
Once you realize this, you don’t have to follow the rule if you can get to the point where you don’t start creating self doubt before you talk to someone. If you still find yourself doubting, start using the rule until you realize that the only obstacle from talking to that gorgeous woman is you.
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Dress for Success, Every Day
Dress like you are going to be meeting the women you want to marry everyday. Shower daily. Wear deodorant. Brush your teeth, carry breath mints, shave or properly trim your hair. Nothing about your approach matters if you smell or dress like a slob. Setting the bar high with your dress when you meet a woman means you will either be better dressed then her or as dressed as her.
Being well dressed and groomed sends a signal that you are successful, in control and worth it. You don’t have to go crazy with suits and ties, just look around you, and dress one to two levels above that. Surrounded by men in jeans and t-shirts? Wear a polo and khakis. You may feel like a dork for a couple of weeks, but once you get into the frame of mind that you aren’t excluding yourself, you are setting yourself above the competition, you will see that women will react differently to a better dressed man. Dressing up a little every day means that when you meet that woman you’ve been waiting for, you will be prepared.
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90% of What You Say Isn’t Said
Body language is 90% of what you tell someone. Make eye contact. Walk as if you just got a promotion. How would you walk if you were having the best day of your life? How would you hold yourself? Having body language that sets a confident tone will not only set you apart from the crowd, it’s also contagious. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend my time with someone who was happy and having a great day then someone who was sad and depressed or angry. Women will react to a happy and confident body language.
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Compliment Her Person, Not Her Body
If you want to compliment her, don’t tell her she has a nice butt. It’s crude and she probably gets that a thousand times a day. Find something about her that SHE made a choice about, and put thought into. Her choice of earrings, her outfit coordination, what her choice of reading is, etc. She will find the personal compliment a lot more appealing then the crude one. Sure, you might be forced to learn a little about fashion, but you should already be started on that if you are following tip #3. It also leaves a bit of room for conversation starting.
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Be Funny
If you are already funny, great! Use it. Make a joke, it will ease tension for both of you, and break the ice. Get her laughing, and she will instantly take notice of you. Laughter is like a body massage for the mind, full of relief and happy sensations.
Making her laugh is a great way to show you are someone she wants to be around. Just don’t make a joke about her (unless she already made one about you), and don’t laugh at your own jokes. If you aren’t funny, there’s hope still. Get the book Comedy Writing Secrets, by Mark Shatz. It’s cheap in paperback form, and every time I read it I get a little funnier. It really is utter gold, they teach college classes on how to be funny using this book. Highly recommended.
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Learn to Read Palms
If there is one thing in this article that is worth putting 100% into, it is this. I have never met a woman who would not let you read her palm (if you’ve followed the other tips above).
I have never met a woman who wasn’t interested in fortune telling. Think about it, all those psychic ads on TV, radio, and newspapers aren’t aimed at men. They are aimed at women. Reading her palm provides two advantages; one socially acceptable physical contact, and two, a conversation starter.
When I’ve asked women what really attracted them to me after a couple of dates, one told me, “When you read my palm, it was the hottest thing.” Another once said, “I was blown away you knew how to read palms, I didn’t expect it, and it made you a real mystery.” Once you read their palm, simply say, “Yeah, it’s not something I think is real, but I find it fun to think about.” From there, go onto any other topic you can connect to it. Ask if they believe in Numerology (if numbers have significance in day to day events).
From there, talk about the movie The Number 23, starring Jim Carrey (an excellent movie you should give a watch). Suddenly, you are talking about movies, ask her about her favorites, who she likes for actors, etc. Be sure to talk about her! This is important. It does two important things, firstly, everyone loves to talk about something they know about, and everyone knows themselves (if they don’t, maybe she isn’t a really good date anyway).
Secondly, it leaves them wondering about you. Give her something to look forward to, so when she walks away, she realizes she doesn’t know anything about you, but feels as if you connected in some way. This makes her want to get to know you, which is a good thing you want to inspire in her.
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Failure is Inevitable
If you have never played the ancient Chinese strategy game of Go, you have probably never heard the saying, “Lose the first 50 games as quickly as possible.” What this means is that you will never be perfect at this, it is impossible. It is much better to get it over with then it is to try and win every time. In other words, you will be rejected, you have to accept that.
Rejection stings, and it’s not fun, but it’s going to happen. If people never got rejected, no one would ever be truly happy in a relationship. Some women are simply not going to be attracted to you, no matter how attracted you are to them. Accept your defeat, and move on. This does not mean to burn the bridge, or to lash out at her for rejecting you. If you feel you can have her as a friend, get to know her anyway. Sure, she might not be compatible, but she might have a friend, sister, etc.
Knowing and being trusted by her is a foot in the door with every one of her single friends. Getting to know her proves to her that you are socially capable and while maybe not her cup of tea, you can show her you are fun to be around and a good guy. When she gabs to her single friends about you, a glowing review will already have them interested in you.
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Practice
Talk to women. Talk to them. The more you do it, when it comes time to asking one of them for coffee, it will be no big deal, you’ve done it hundreds of times before. Once you get used to talking to women, you will find it a lot easier to do so. Every time you finish talking to a woman, think back on it. Was it really that soul crushingly terrible experience that you were afraid of? If she said no, did it kill you? Was it the end of the world? There is no substitute for just getting out there and getting better at being around women.
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Coffee is Magic
When you get to asking her out for coffee, do it openly, and confidently. Be sure she is aware she’s going to be meeting you for coffee to get to know you better. Have a date, time, and place in mind already, and be prepared to counter a “That day/time doesn’t work for me” with another one. Coffee is an excellent first date for both of you as it’s short, costs you no less then a cup of coffee for her, it’s in a public place, and it allows you to talk to her, and just her. Plus you can discuss what you like for coffee. If she says she’s not interested, chalk it up to a learning experience, and don’t take it personally.
If you can, it helps to ask why she doesn’t want to meet up with you later. Most women will have no trouble telling you where you went wrong, but if she dances around the subject you either messed up your appearance or made a bad joke. When she tells you what it was that turned her off, again don’t take it personally. If it’s something you feel can be changed, try to fix it.
Getting to the point of asking a woman to coffee can be difficult if you are out of practice, or not used to talking to women. Following these tips should get you started and well on your way to getting past those difficult first moments.
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