13 Relationship Killers: Behaviors That Damage and Destroy Partnerships
by Destructive behaviors that destroy trust and sabotage loving partnerships.
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In the beginning, everything’s roses . . . then the thorns start to grow: damaging behaviors that diminish trust and destroy love. Watch out for these 13 relationship killers.
Thorn 1: Not Listening
In the beginning, you both hung on every word, but what has happened as time has gone by? Do you still show your partner courtesy by listening closely?
Thorn 2: Forgetting to Say “I Love You”
Don’t assume that your partner knows you love them. Keep saying it, thus reinforcing the bonds of love.
Thorn 3: Forgetting to Do Nice Things for Your Partner
The song, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” struck a chord with many people. Remember to treat that someone special just as they truly are, special.
Thorn 4: Minimizing What’s Important to the Other Person.
One of the fastest ways to destroy a relationship is to fail to pay attention to what concerns your partner. If something is important to them, it should be important to you–even if you are not personally interested in it. You need to make it your business, rather than downplaying it or treating it as though it is lightweight and doesn’t matter.
Thorn 5: Blowing Off Requests
When your partner asks you to do something, do you do your best to do it or do you delay, putting it off and then accusing them of nagging you when they are forced to remind you?
Thorn 6: Criticizing Your Partner
Criticism crushes trust and can make a partner wary. If you’ve gone from being your partner’s best advocate to an adversary, you need to look at what has changed and seek to correct it, before it damages the relationship.
Thorn 7: Snapping at Your Partner
You wouldn’t do this on your first couple of dates so don’t get into the habit as time goes by. Your partner deserves respect–even when you are stressed or angry.
Thorn 8: Accusing Your Partner
Don’t assume your partner has done something. Watch how you phrase your questions. Instead of “What did you do with my . . . ?” or “You must have moved it.” Rephrase this to “Have you seen my . . . ?”or “I wonder what I did with it?”
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Post Commentkate smedley
On March 17, 2009 at 2:32 am
All of your points should be so obvious yet it’s amazing how after a while simple things that hold a relationship together can be forgotten. Excellent advice and well written article.
Sakuragi
On March 17, 2009 at 4:39 am
Everything Kate Smedley said. =)
Chambo
On March 17, 2009 at 4:43 am
Yeh I have to take a few of these on board. Thanks for the tips Athlyn.
RJ
Michael Eboh
On March 17, 2009 at 6:43 am
That was Kate Smedley …. I appreciate.
Michael Degenhardt
On March 17, 2009 at 6:49 am
I think you got them all here and it’s presented in a way that all should be able to clearly understand all points made here. Very well written. Michael
Susan Keeping
On March 17, 2009 at 6:50 am
Excellent advice.
lindalulu
On March 17, 2009 at 7:32 am
Great advice!
sandra holmes cabeza
On March 17, 2009 at 8:14 am
Very good article so true loved it!
S M Blomker
On March 17, 2009 at 8:42 am
I agree with all that you have written here. Sometimes we do forget the other one. Things we do and say should be important to the other one.
Athlyn Green
On March 17, 2009 at 9:45 am
Researchers say that these behaviors can actually be a predictor of whether a couple will experience future happiness or future grief.
Karen Gross
On March 17, 2009 at 9:52 am
Very well written, sound advice. From not listening to your partner to cheating on your partner – a relationship could be destroyed one step at a time, like the proverbial frog in the boiling water. Great piece!
Athlyn Green
On March 17, 2009 at 11:02 am
Don’t know what happened to the subheading. Some of the words disappeared!
CutestPrincess
On March 17, 2009 at 11:16 am
I am in total agreement with Kate! great post!
Athlyn Green
On March 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm
A friend of mine had to move in with her brother. The mother told her to treat her brother with respect and as if he were a partner. My friend related that when she did this, she and her brother made incredible strides forward in their relationship and were able to live together peacefully.
abra
On March 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm
fine one! you try.
Jo Oliver
On March 17, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I love how you called your points “thorns.” Very interesting article, and valid points. All of these are fast ways to destroy a relationship. Funny that millions of people go to therapy for years to learn what you just summed up in a 6 minute read.
Athlyn Green
On March 17, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Hi Jo,
It’s too bad that more emphasis wasn’t placed on teaching constructive and respectful behavior in homes and in schools.
Even if someone isn’t treating us the way we desire, treating them with respect and courtesy may turn the tide by motivating them to do some self scrutiny.
Tristan
On March 17, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Wonderfuly written and oh so very true.People should always treat their partner as if it were their first date.
Athlyn Green
On March 17, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Hello Tristan,
I’m so fortunate to have a partner that subscribes to this philosophy and the relationship is on an entirely different level. I give him so much credit and as time goes on, my admiration for his character grows and grows.
Inna Tysoe
On March 17, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Good points, all.
Inna
Athlyn Green
On March 17, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Thanks Inna.
OhSugar
On March 18, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Thank you for shaking us up a little. We forget how to treat our partners, once we think the relationship is solid. We seem to forget how our lives were before we fell in love with this wonderful partner, therefore, we don’t put forth any or much effort to keep it rich in quality ingredients. All the thorns mentioned here are sure, deal breakers.
Athlyn Green
On March 18, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Hi OhSugar,
It’s interesting that most people would never engage in undesirable behavior when meeting someone for the first time but as time goes on, there’s what I call the “morph factor.” While we may become comfortable with someone, this is not an excuse for treating them badly.
John McDonnell
On March 24, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Great article, Athlyn. Really, this is one of your best, I think. It’s good advice even for those of us who have been in longterm relationships. It helps to be reminded not to fall into those bad habits, like criticizing, blowing off requests, refusing to compromise, etc. I see myself in some of those. My own pet peeve is the criticism. In the first golden days of a relationship we get a “high” just from being with our partner, because they make us feel like we’re special. Unfortunately, after the glow wears off, we criticize more, and that doesn’t feel good. We all get enough criticism in other areas of our lives, like our jobs, and our partners should try to praise instead of criticize. I remember a great writer once said he wanted no criticism of his work from his family — from them, he wanted only unqualified praise. We all need a safe place where we can be told we’re special.
Athlyn Green
On March 24, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Hi John,
Thanks for your insights. Yes, it is hard to keep these thorns from growing over time.
Our partner should be our best ally. Where it can be incredibly frustrating is a relationship where one person acts decently and the other person doesn’t.
In that scenario, it is harder to keep your own behavior in check. But, in the end, if a person decides he/she will act with integrity, regardless of what the other person does, the first person will at least have self-respect.
Two things will happen: the person who needs to improve their behavior will reexamine the way they are behaving, in light of their partner’s improved treatment of them.
If they don’t change, their partner may eventually question whether this is the right partner.
We are all responsible for how we behave–and responsible for the consequences.
Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT
On July 7, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Very true! Thank you for sharing.
Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT
http://www.encouragingyourlife.com
Athlyn Green
On July 7, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Hi Stuart,
Yes, we all can choose: relationship cement or relationship killers.
It makes no sense to go all out to capture someone’s attention, then to engage in off-putting behavior that sabotages the relationship.