Look, I don’t pretend to be an expert on this, I really don’t. But, ask any of my ex girlfriend, or my severely satisfied current girlfriend, or any female in my family, and they will tell you that I do have a pretty good track record when it comes to getting them gifts. I think the reason for this is not only my latent homosexuality, but also that I have a really keen ability to listen when women speak. Not all the time, mind you, I do my fair share of zoning out, but when it comes to gifts, I make sure that I’m always on the look out for good ideas.

One of the main things to remember here, and this works both ways, is that you have to get them what they want, not what you want to get them. There are some girls who will flat out tell you what they want, and you should really treasure that because most of them will pull the “I don’t know..you don’t have to get me anything TOO big this year” move. Beware of this move. Guys are dumb and will take things that you say at face value, Do not expect us to read between the lines. We are too dumb for lines. Okay, here goes.

1. Do not buy her lingerie or anything else that could be construed as a gift for you. Now I’m not saying that your girlfriend doesn’t look hot in lingerie, I’m sure she’s banging. But, it’s not up to you whether or not she wears it. Getting her some slinky lingerie thing is a good idea in theory, because the concept behind it is that you are making her feel sexy. But unless she picks it out herself, she’s not going to feel sexy. Unless you are like the uber boyfriend and are able to pick out lingerie that won’t accentuate the parts of her body that she’s obsessed with. Then, hat’s off. But, in most cases, crotchless panties are a gift for her to get for you, not vice versa.
2. Do be romantic and clever. I don’t care if you’ve never picked up a pair of scissors or glue stick in your life. First of all I know you’re lying because that’s like first grade shit right there. Second of all, if you are entirely inept at creative things such as photo collages or memory books, enlist the aid of a relative and/or platonic girl friend, and get to cutting and pasting. It can’t be your only gift because then you’re cheap, but actually taking time to make something nice for her will really go over well. Think about writing something for her too, any gift that can’t be bought in a store and that will be the only one like it in the world is really an A plus. In the same vein, things like stuffed animals and fun pjs are totally fine, the same way we want to feel like little boys, they want to feel like little girls. Hot.
3. Do not get her electronics unless she specifically asks for them. This is another gift for you situation and it needs to be avoided at all costs. I’m willing to bet that , at the most, a girl will want an iPod or a laptop. If you are getting her a laptop then you make a lot more money than I do and you don’t have to read this. As far as the ipod goes, you know your girlfriend. You know her technical prowess. But do you know what songs she loves? Do you know the singers she dykes out for? Good. Load the iPod with her favorite shit, because it will save you the effort of later having to show her every single time how to put songs onto it. Also it’s really sweet. And stuff.
4. Do stay within the budget. I recommend that all couples set spending limits on each other. First of all, it establishes an amount you both can afford. Second of all, it eliminates the urge to go over the top. This is what you must resist. It’s okay to do it the first time you have a holiday together because you want to really come out of the gate strong. But, if you have an established limit and decide to spend way more, you’re making her feel like an idiot, not like a princess. She will feel inadequate with the gifts she got you, and she’s probably all worried and cute about you liking it. Don’t be a hotshot.
5. Do (I know, I ruined the do/do not thing, suck it) get someone else to wrap the gifts. This one is mainly for me. I suck at wrapping gifts. If you want them to look pretty and nice with bows and ribbons, get your mom or grandma to do it. They know how to do it and will impress you with their origami-like precision. I’m not saying that you should let them know someone else wrapped them though, take full credit for it.