A Little-known Element for Endurance in Marriage

If asked, most married people would say they got married because they loved the other person. In English, the term “love” is very over-used, being applied to a wide range of situations including, but not limited to, a warm attachment, devotion, or enthusiasm; admiration or benevolence; dedication; marital commitment; and copulation.

Our children hear the term “love” applied to things that might be immensely enjoyed by some for weeks, but are soon trashed. As they grow older, they hear the term “making love” in regard to activities that should be reserved for marriage, but learn the privilege is occurring outside of marriage.

For these situations, the ancient Greeks used “phileo” for the former and “eros” for the essence of the latter. However, in English and most likely other relatively modern languages, only one word for “love” is used. As a result, the wide range of definitions for the one term lay in the minds of many as they enter into marriage.

As a pastor, I have seen couples approach marriage with the idea, “Well, if this does not work out I’ll just divorce my spouse and get another.” Others place too much emphasis on sexual matters.

The Highest Love

While it is true that ancient peoples had their own marital dilemmas, the creators of the Septuagint (the Koine Greek version of the Hebrew Scriptures) and the New Testament were apparently impelled at times to used another term distinguished from “phileo” or “eros.” That word was “agape” (ah-gah-pay), which Joseph Henry Thayer describes as a purely Biblical and ecclesiastical term.

While “eros” would stem from fleshly desire and “phileo” from emotion, “agape” essentially is an act of one’s will. We decide to love, even if the recipient of that love might be deemed unworthy of such love. “Agape” is unselfish and requires nothing in return to maintain love.

Hence, in John 3:16 we read, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” A verb form for “agape” is used for “loved” in this verse, and we can readily see the depth of that love in that God chose to love a sinful human race.

While most people express “phileo” and “eros” in marriage, “agape” is the missing element in many. If married couples would mutually apply and maintain “agape” in their relationship, divorce lawyers would have to find something else to do.