If asked, most married people would say they got married because they loved the other person. In English, the term “love” is very over-used, being applied to a wide range of situations including, but not limited to, a warm attachment, devotion, or enthusiasm; admiration or benevolence; dedication; marital commitment; and copulation.

Our children hear the term “love” applied to things that might be immensely enjoyed by some for weeks, but are soon trashed. As they grow older, they hear the term “making love” in regard to activities that should be reserved for marriage, but learn the privilege is occurring outside of marriage.

For these situations, the ancient Greeks used “phileo” for the former and “eros” for the essence of the latter. However, in English and most likely other relatively modern languages, only one word for “love” is used. As a result, the wide range of definitions for the one term lay in the minds of many as they enter into marriage.

As a pastor, I have seen couples approach marriage with the idea, “Well, if this does not work out I’ll just divorce my spouse and get another.” Others place too much emphasis on sexual matters.

The Highest Love

While it is true that ancient peoples had their own marital dilemmas, the creators of the Septuagint (the Koine Greek version of the Hebrew Scriptures) and the New Testament were apparently impelled at times to used another term distinguished from “phileo” or “eros.” That word was “agape” (ah-gah-pay), which Joseph Henry Thayer describes as a purely Biblical and ecclesiastical term.

While “eros” would stem from fleshly desire and “phileo” from emotion, “agape” essentially is an act of one’s will. We decide to love, even if the recipient of that love might be deemed unworthy of such love. “Agape” is unselfish and requires nothing in return to maintain love.

Hence, in John 3:16 we read, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” A verb form for “agape” is used for “loved” in this verse, and we can readily see the depth of that love in that God chose to love a sinful human race.

While most people express “phileo” and “eros” in marriage, “agape” is the missing element in many. If married couples would mutually apply and maintain “agape” in their relationship, divorce lawyers would have to find something else to do.

“Agape” in Focus

By “agape,” one willfully and, at times, sacrificially loves their spouse, even when the lower forms of love might cause us to think our spouse cannot be loved. Hence, the highest love is there and remains, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, for better or for worse — unto physical death.

Though “agape” should be in marriage, it must start well before marriage, and way before “phileo” becomes powerful.

In other words, put all emotion “on hold,” so you might view a prospective spouse objectively and then make a decision to increase the “agape” toward that person in such a way it controls your emotions.

Laying emotions aside, dating couples should be candid with each other in regard to their human frailties whether they be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual short comings.

Ask yourself are you willing to love that person as they age and change. Is their personality one that will work with your’s as you both face the challenges that will undoubtedly come your way if you marry?

Make these decisions a matter of prayer, guided by the Holy Spirit. Of most importance is knowing personally, being totally committed to, Jesus Christ.

A Sure Foundation, a Sure Structure

Christ needs to be the foundation in every marriage. Upon that foundation, “agape” must first be laid. “Phileo” should be placed next, then “eros.” This makes for a solid structure, as I have illustrated below, with the table representing Christ, the Holy Bible for “agape,” a book for “phileo,” and a bottle for “eros.”

As you see, the largest of the objects supported by the table is the Holy Bible, the smallest being the bottle. The same should be true in marriage, that “agape” is the greatest of the loves while “eros” is the least. The order of the objects is also important, illustrating “agape” comes first, “phileo” next, and “eros” last for a solid structure.

Incorrect Order Welcomes Disorder

Though husband and wife may be true Christians, there are times many of us get these elements out of order. If we place these things in any other order, an unstable structure is created, as illustrated below with just one possibility.

As you see, there is a chance of trouble with “agape” in second place, even though “eros” remains last.

Imagine how unstable this structure would be if the bottle, representing “eros,” would be first! Hence, never make sexual satisfaction a focus in marriage.

“Agape” is a Must

“Agape” is an indispensable element for endurance in marriage. It needs to be present and active even before marriage.

If it is lacking, or you feel you need more, the Holy Bible encourages us to ask God for such good gifts. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” — James 1:17

If you apply “agape” in the Person and strength of Christ, you will enjoy decades of marital bliss until “death do you part.”

Above: In 1992 members of the C. H. Yoder family celebrated the 50th anniversary of their parents, Rhoda and Crist Harvey Yoder.