A Male’s Perspective on Ninja Tactics for Female Encounters

Hot tips for surviving relationships from an experienced male, (still surviving).

Ok gentlemen, (and the odd lady I suspect), its time to get ninja about how to make the rest of your life easier when it comes to navigating the minefield of the female psyche.

Scenario – “where shall we go and what should we do?” This question could refer to a simple night out, just the two of you, or a family weekend day out or simply trying to fill out the odd afternoon. Golden rule number one is that if the female is asking the question then you must understand that the intention is not to be provided with a definitive, sensible suggestion; well thought out and relevant to current affairs. No, its merely a rhetorical ejaculation with the intention of letting you know that you are still allowed to have an opinion which may at best serve as a lesser comparison to the intended agenda already decided, or as a way of kick-starting her own creative thought process which will no doubt come to the right conclusion i.e. – whatever she decides.

Once you have understood the basis of this insight you are now equipped to deal emotionally with the inevitable disappointment of your “watching the game down the pub” idea turn into being dragged into a shopping mall to spend money you don’t have on stuff you don’t need.

There are however tactics to swing the pendulum your way.

No1. The throw-away suggestion or “sacrifice” manoeuvre

This involves suggesting an activity that you really couldn’t give a toss about in the first place. This is a double edged sword; no disappointment and more importantly you have found out what the primary objective of the female is without having an argument. Ok, you may still end up at the shopping mall but maybe not in such a suicidal state of mind. But wait there is still hope.

No2. The win win gamble

Now this is tricky and really relies on your knowledge of your ladies perception of a good time. Its simple really, just suggest an outing or activity that you know will appeal to her as a better idea than the hideous one she has come up with, (usually involves malls, shoes and miscellaneous crap). If the sweet smell of slaughtered foe is still in the air after her “victory” (see sacrifice manoeuvre) then the need to butcher your suggestion has already been fulfilled and clarity may ensue resulting in a fairly mutual agreement. Note; any sign of smugness after pulling this one off will result in an afternoon of unparalleled misery. If you detect feelings euphoria which may manifest as a slight grin or jaunty skip then nip off to the bathroom and sort yourself out, don’t worry, you’ll be in the mood.

No3. Chuck a sickie

This works fine if you can fake symptoms of headaches etc or a good one is a dose of the runs, (she wont be checking that one). It does mean you give up all hope of supervising the destruction of your credit rating. However the day is now yours, enjoy. If you have kids then add a DVD (one they know that they shouldn’t really be watching) and a pizza or two and bliss will be washing over you directly.

If the initial question is asked by the man then you deserve everything you get for putting yourself firmly in the crosshairs, dickhead.