After reading advice in my article, can there be a happily ever after? You feel you have all the components, to support a healthy, happy and enduring marriage. You are deeply in love and committed to spend your lives together. You share mutual respect and trust. Surely those qualities are the formula for a blissful marriage?

Well you definitely have a head start, but of course life isn’t that simple. Like the worlds greatest fiction, our lives are steeped in conflict.

Of course, conflict happens and shouldn’t be avoided, and if dealt with correctly and resolved with satisfaction, might just strengthen a relationship bond. The mistake lots of people make, when deals with conflict, is to mishandle it or avoid it altogether.

So what is conflict?  

The dictionary definition of conflict is a difference in opinions; a disagreement or clash between ideas, principles, or people.

Conflicting experiences can happen daily in all aspects of our lives. I’ve had a number of conflicting discussions with my teenage son, only this morning, all resolved with a modicum of success; we agreed to differ!

So how should we handle conflict?

In order to look at how to handle disagreements in our relationships, we should probably look at the guidelines in how not to deal with conflict.

There are certain indicators that your approach to conflict could damage your relationship. But can these actions really cause lasting damage to your marriage?

Ignore the problem and it will go away.

Couples who ignore conflicting situations and refuse to discuss and tackle any problems, possibly in the hope they resolve themselves, risk feelings of resentment, frustration and anger to fester in their marriage. These feelings can feed further conflict.

William L Dom me, a fellow writer, says the number one tip, his grandparents quoted as the basis for their 60 years of marital success was, never go to sleep on an argument. There is a lot of truth in this saying and of course it has been the route of success for many, but if I had followed this advice in the early days of my 27 years of marriage, the sleep deprivation would have led to murder. Sometimes, sleeping on it and things look better in the morning, worked for us.

Looking back on these early days, my confrontational personality and my husband’s avoidance of conflict were an explosive combination, add festering resentment and a little alcohol and I could catalogue unresolved grievances that spanned back years. With my powers of recall, and my habit of reiterating on every point, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were totally incompatible as partners. Eventually through the years we learned to tackle issues in a healthier fashion; as they occur.  

My grandparents had a long and happy marriage. I never witnessed or overheard a single disagreement, or a raised voice, in all the time we lived under their roof, (my parents separated when I was young and we lived with my grandparents for a while). My Gran had this strange habit of humming a tune through clenched teeth, a mix of a hum and a whistle, which sounded a bit like miner suffering from emphysema. I naively believed her to be tone deaf, but happy. Years later, my mother informed me this habit an indication of my Gran’s festering anger. She hummed hymns to defuse her annoyance at something my Grandpa had done and here was me thinking my grandparents were without flaws.

So resolving all arguments before bedtime may be workable for some and is good advice to follow. But like all skills, it may require lots of work to become proficient. Then again, the saying, never go to bed on an argument, may be a metaphor for the importance of communication and resolve, whatever the time of day.

Another area for concern are disagreements escalating into regular and violent quarrels, metaphorically speaking, and literally, (but of course, a violent and abusive relationship is far out with the realms of this article and requires its own discussion).

Like most people, we’ve had our share of horrendous quarrels throughout our married lives, mostly in the early days, and I would be the first to agree these outbursts, if regular, can destroy even the strongest of relationships. Fortunately whatever differences we had, they were overcome; whither by acts of compromise or truce I can’t remember, but we always found working on relationship more important that any disagreement.

And finally, hurling insults at each other.

Violent outbursts can bring out the worst in a person. It is easy to hurl insults in the heat of the moment, only to regret those words later. It is natural to defend yourself against any attack of verbal nastiness, by supplying your own. Everyone can say things they don’t really mean in the middle of an argument, but unfortunately there’s usually a tad of truth behind what is said and it can’t be taken back.

Wrongly spoken words have a powerful impact.

Could Reflective Therapy help?

Reflection is used by professionals, in their career, as a process of personal development. This process encourages a person to analyze work related incidents and how you dealt with them. It can help you decide what worked or didn’t work and if you would do anything differently in the future. Objective reflection, as a couple, could help you resolve areas of marital conflict.

Human nature can be too unpredictable to generalize what it takes to succeed in your relationship. We are all unique and what works for one person may be less helpful to another. In conclusion, I believe ill managed conflict to be the most damaging factor in any relationship. Don’t ignore your disagreements, make time to talk to each other and get them resolved.