Are There Five Ways to Spot a Real Friend?

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I read an article that suggested there were five ways we could spot a real friend, and wondered if it was that easy.  The first problem we have when considering whom our real friends are is deciding what we want from our friends.  The choice is wide and varied and may not be easy to categorise do we want to be the centre of their attention, do we want them to listen to our problems, be there when we need them and in return what will they want from us.

We tend to have friends for many different reasons, there are those we work with, perhaps we belong to a club or society where we have friends with whom we have a common interest.  Perhaps we have made friends with other parents at our children’s school.  Our circle of friends could be one or two people or as large as fifty or more.  But what makes them real friends and not just acquaintances.

Is friendship a question of trust, someone we would entrust our most precious processions.  Take for instance the woman that you take turn and turn about taking your children to school, you may meet for the occasional coffee, but that is as far as it goes.  You trust her with the lives of your children as she trusts you with her children but is that a real friend, the probability is we would consider her an acquaintance  though the level of trust we place in this acquaintance is a great deal more than we would place on people we might consider a real friend.

Women tend to have a smaller but tightly knit circle of friends they confide in, they may have been friends throughout their school and early working lives.  Even after marriage, that bond may continue into later life.  My wife had a friend that she was extremely loyal to; she came to our home every day with boy friend problems.  It became annoying to the extent that I asked my wife to make sure she was not there when I came home from work.  When my son was born, my wife’s friend picked him up and comforted him before either of us could get near him.  My wife received a telephone call from her friend, she had met a man she has fallen madly in love with and moved several hundred miles away, and we never heard from her again.  Was this a real friend or someone who needed my wife to lean on to get through life?  My wife was extremely upset when her best friend never contacted her again and felt very let down.

Men tend to have a larger circle of friends including those they attended school, their first jobs and through their leisure interests.  Men appear able to pickup and drop friends as they move through life, they also appear to be able to reconnect with old friends they have not seen for years without difficulty recalling what brought them together as friends in the first place.

I was asked by the probation services to provide a job for a man on day release from prison, I was reluctant to do so but felt I should give him a chance.  He was a nice enough chap and we got on well.  My mother was suffering from a very bad leg ulcer and had to visit the nurse every day to have the dressing changed.  There was an occasion I could not take my mother to the surgery so our criminal friend took my mother  and he treated her as if she were the Queen, he also arranged for other prisoners who had been released to make sure my mother’s home was decorated, her shopping done and even took her on trips.  He asked for nothing, not even a job when he was released from prison on parole.  I later learnt from the probation services that he was a professional assassin they though had murdered five people and his friends were all professional criminals.  They have maintained contact with my mother sending her cards on her birthday and Christmas and the occasional gift of money.  Were they real friends, they certainly helped my mother when I was having difficulty and if you ask my mother, she will tell you how kind they were and will not have a word said against them.

The problem is we do not know who our real friends are until they have been tested and found wanting, it may be an acquaintance  that stands the test of being a real friend and comes to your aid when needed and asks for nothing more than a thank you and your friendship.

To lay down a set of rules you use to judge who is a real friend may screen out the friend that will one day save you life.  Friendship is a matter of judgement and learning, the wider the circle of friends and acquaintances we have the more fulfilled our lives.  The day we need a real friend we may discover it is someone we would never have considered a friend that comes to our aid.