Do you often find yourself thinking…

• They don’t care about me
• They never listen
• Their work/friends/hobbies are more important to
  them than me
• They don’t think this is as important as I do
• They’re unreliable and untrustworthy
• I feel needy and I hate it

What’s Going on Here?

When you talk to a person with confidence, they will be much more attracted to you than if you approach them in a way that communicates neediness, fear and anxiety. Easier said than done, of course.

The bottom line is that potential partners aren’t attracted to people who are eternally letting their emotions control their actions.

Needy people frequently use words like “always” and “never” – they talk in absolutes rather than meeting someone half way. They assume that because someone does a certain thing, they have different motives than they would in the same situation – for example if someone’s late, they are automatically doing it on purpose, rather than getting stuck in traffic or a million and one other innocent reasons, and this leads to drama and conflict that needn’t be there.

Overly needy people have trouble being fun and playful in a way that brings them closer to a date and ticks the boxes for a long term relationship. Some people meeting needy dates describe politely it as having no “spark”, whereas what they often mean is their date put them off with their desperate attitude.

What can you do to stop communicating this insecurity that is condemning you to failure before you even begin?

Avoid negative people as they will drag you down rather than boost your confidence, even if they do act as if they know the meaning of life and have plenty of advice. Try to stay in the company of those in a similar boat to you so you can share experiences and get reassurance – sad to say married and co-habiting couples are often just not that interested in your dating issues and may make you feel more isolated than ever.

Don’t be too available – you don’t have to answer the phone or text straight back. This applies to all your relationships by the way – do things in your own time!

Don’t call more than once a day, unless they have. They may seem pleased to hear from you, but you will quickly begin to seem like a drag if you’re always in touch. No harm in letting people think you’re busy, even if you aren’t.

Forget the impatient email or text when you haven’t heard for a couple of days…it will only make you seem desperate and annoying. And no, they haven’t lost your contact details! Get busy and put it out of your mind no matter how strong the pull is to make contact. Delete their details if you have to! If in doubt, imagine realistically how they are likely to react to your needy sounding email and remember you can’t force people to react in the way you want.

Remember just because they haven’t called doesn’t mean you aren’t in control. If they leave it too long you can make the choice to wipe them off your radar. If they do call you can make the choice not to answer. In the meantime you’re still getting on with your life.

See the date for what it was – a light hearted meeting, not the start of the rest of your life.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to carry on with your life and be as busy as possible so you don’t give the date a second thought – remember it’s their loss if they don’t see how wonderful you are. If you go all out to “win” this person when they are giving clear signs they aren’t that bothered, you will end up feeling rubbish and no further forward. Take it easy!

Remember you aren’t a shoulder to cry on and neither are they. Dating is about having fun, not taking on the problems of others or making them feeling responsible for you. If you’re feeling weighed down by someone so early on, what is the long term going to be like? Likewise people will feel this way about you if all you do is talk about your life issues and problems.

Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say I can’t help the way I feel…?Beware the negative voices in your head that make you flip before you really have a chance to think. Are you really sure you can’t help it? When these negative voices start getting louder, people leave behind the confidence, positive attitude and optimism they had with a partner that helped create the great situation in the first place. They literally become driven by fear. All the goodwill your date has for you disappears and is replaced by a negative opinion of you . They will think you have no control of your emotions and that is scary for them. Men in particular do not want to get involved or committed to women who act emotionally dependent from the start and lose it at the first sign of difficulty.

The point I’m making here is that if you allow yourself to become too emotional and fearful in situations with a partner, and dependent on their behaviour for your emotional state, your behaviour will act against you not for you. It’s hard to be logical about this when you really like someone, but you have to be prepared to “get a grip” when you see a potentially explosive situation developing and think before you act or speak. The more you practise this, the easier and more natural it will become to you. Who knows, people will see you as cool as a cucumber one day!

How important are these factors in a healthy relationship? Is it possible to rank them in order?Feel free to discuss with a partner/in a group, or work by yourself.

1. Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.
2. Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work for example).
3. Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
4. Both partners feel “special” to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
5. Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.
6. There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.
7. The relationship feels and is nuturing, comfortable, and fun.
8. Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
9. The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
10. Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).
11. Both partners are honest.
12. There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (for example, ignoring).
13. Both partners have boundaries:
    • Each person can say “no” to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.
    • People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a “great sacrifice” to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
14. Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.
15. There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.