Are You Trying Too Hard? How to Stop Giving Out Those Needy Vibes
by Sometimes people find themselves in a cycle with relationships where they are always on the ‘losing side’ – feeling weak and not in control of how things are going.
The point I’m making here is that if you allow yourself to become too emotional and fearful in situations with a partner, and dependent on their behaviour for your emotional state, your behaviour will act against you not for you. It’s hard to be logical about this when you really like someone, but you have to be prepared to “get a grip” when you see a potentially explosive situation developing and think before you act or speak. The more you practise this, the easier and more natural it will become to you. Who knows, people will see you as cool as a cucumber one day!
How important are these factors in a healthy relationship? Is it possible to rank them in order?Feel free to discuss with a partner/in a group, or work by yourself.
- Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.
- Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work for example).
- Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
- Both partners feel “special” to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
- Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.
- There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.
- The relationship feels and is nuturing, comfortable, and fun.
- Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
- The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
- Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).
- Both partners are honest.
- There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (for example, ignoring).
- Both partners have boundaries:
- Each person can say “no” to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.
- People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a “great sacrifice” to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
- Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.
- There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.
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