Beyond Sex

The expectation after the title ‘Beyond Sex’ is likely to be ‘love’, but that is a term people mistakenly use for sudden surges of emotional attachment.  In a sense it is not to different than the emotional attachment one might feel to their brand new car, or a favorite easy chair.  And we often hear it expressed in conversation such as “I just love my new curtains”. The immediate phase beyond sex is a quasi emotional attachment that actually began with sexual activity that became expected.  It happens in all relationships and is actually a healthy attitude because it strengthens the bond of monogamy (in this sense a single sexual partner).  Without monogamy there is little chance for achieving the ultimate goal: a love relationship.  Emotional attachment can be extremely intense and has a tendency to ebb and flow with changing situations and discovery.

Emotional Attachment

What actually lies beyond sex, in a developing relationship, is an opportunity to merge lives with the goal of achieving a love relationship.  However, you first have to deal with the problems that will immediately occur during the emotional attachment phase.  The most simple of habits are the first to become noticeable and possibly annoying.  These types of discoveries give us the opportunity to learn compromise within a living situation.   Unfortunately it is the female of our species that is more willing to compromise, and in an effort to maintain harmony she will capitulate.  If the female continues this pattern into a long term relationship, such as marriage, the end result is disastrous to her personal sense of identity.  If capitulation has become a habit she needs to end the relationship and not look back until her personal problems are resolved.  The male of our species is not likely to recognize these problems until it is too late to repair the relationship.  Essentially it is the male ego that disallows compromise.  There is no easy antidote for this problem and uncompromising males are unlikely to secure a real ‘love’ relationship. 

If the couple can overcome the problems associated with compromise, their next challenge is to understand the basic ethical and moral code of their partner.  This is not easily accomplished, because these issues can only be assessed by observation over time.  Discussion is helpful because it sets up expectations:  it is both the destruction and completion of expectations that allows assessment. If a partner claims ‘telling the truth’ as part of their ethical code then what is expected is honesty when compromises fail.  As an example, if a partner agrees to reduce his or her alcohol consumption and is found to have fallen into old habits, then the ethic of ‘telling the truth’ is not violated if they simply admit to the problem.  Obviously, heavy alcohol consumption can create immense difficulties in a relationship regardless of adherence to ethical codes.  However, without adherence the relationship has very little chance of survival.  Of course two people having the same ethics as Attila the Hun are well matched, but it is doubtful that the relationship could survive.

Emotional Serenity

A true love relationship is not based on great sex nor it is a function of not having arguments.  What brings it about is not easily defined.  However how it effects each partner is very simple to describe.  There is an obvious emotional serenity that seems to follow them around and when parted they feel a bit uncomfortable. The discomfort is not profound, but more like an itch on the back that cannot be reached.  Do they argue and toss their egos around?  Well it sort of depends on their age.  The younger lovers are more likely to have lover quarrels whereas the senior lovers just want to curl up around each other.  With the passage of time our need for having a secure relationship seems to grow in intensity.  When our bodies grow weak, and wrinkles sprout overnight like dandelions on a green lawn, then emotional serenity has no price.  The magic of love is the inner peace that we share with another: it has the touch of a butterfly, and  the strength of a dragon.  Some believe that it transcends death itself as demonstrated in the following painting ‘Journey Home’ by Nevyn Campanella.