Boundaries in Relationships

ESTABLISH AND RESPECT YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES

There are probably things your mate and others in your life are doing that hurt you. You may respond by nagging those people, avoiding them, or getting defensive in a variety of ways. ‘These behaviors are counterproductive for two reasons: They never solve the real problem, and they often exacerbate your resentment and anger over the real issue.

Instead, you need to learn how to set boundaries and communicate them clearly to those around you. In setting boundaries, you articulate what behaviors are unacceptable to you and what consequences will ensue if those boundaries are crossed. A boundary may concern your mate’s being fifteen minutes late for dinner, or it may concern him slapping you.

What it concerns is not as important as the fact that you state your position and, if and when the boundary is violated, you carry through with the consequences no matter how seemingly minor they may be. People who set boundaries and are known to stick to them are less likely to be abused or to have reason to feel resentment.

RESOLVE ISSUES FROM THE PAST

You cannot change the past, but you can change whether and how it affects your current relationships. Cleaning up baggage from the past gives you the strength and the confidence that puts and keeps you in charge of your own life. It also helps you better guard against reacting to the emotional baggage of older lovers, parents, siblings, or friends.

Resolving past issues may require writing letters, setting up meetings, or reviewing a bad situation with the help of a therapist. In an ongoing relationship, it often involves going over the resentments you and your partner have built up over time and finding better resolutions for the future.