If he leaves you…

Do not just sit in a corner and cry your eyes out. What are you waiting for…pick yourself up and try again. He is not the only fish in the sea OK? …There are more mangoes on a tree than anyone can imagine or count, all waiting to be ripened and plucked.

You know that make over you have been avoiding for ages?…this is the perfect time to slip quietly into a beauty workshop where you can get yourself a completely new image. Try 2nd Image. They’ll extend your nails, hair, eyelashes and ego; They make you feel good. With a bat of your false eyelashes and a flick of of your newly acquired weave-on tresses, your man will be back by your side. At least you can buy some hope even if that fails.

You know what they say, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. With sharpened talons you will be ready to tear out the eyes of any girl who thinks she can take over where you left off but remember you can not do that without being arrested? Be careful! do it with tact and sweet words, smiling broadly (even when your face aches) the whole time.

Jealousy does not pay off in the end you know. It just makes you wrinkly, depressed, fat and ugly, in that order. No man wants a woman who has two flaps for eyes and a double chin. Green eyes go with blonde hair

Go out a lot; meet new people; be seen with drop dead good looking guys only…that will show him that you are still in the love market.

If he leaves you, use the opportunity to jump start a fantastic career and make lots of money. He will see you rolling in a Rolls Royce and he will regret ever leaving you. The best revenge on a man who has dumped you is to become incredibly rich and famous with a private airline to show that you are a high flier and he is not part of the crew. You will be constantly in his face. His eyes will see brown brown, green green when he thinks of you. You will show him that a good woman is made of money. All that education and grooming; Woe man!

If he leaves you, the last thing you want him to see is you becoming a slut and giving it to everyone else for cash. Bodies take ages to shape up into a woman… from baby in a cradle to a designer clad female is a long way indeed…it costs loads of money but avoid that course of action like the plague. Suicide is a sin.

Do not be tempted to destroy his brand new car, burn his house down or transform his latest toy into junk. Don’t attempt to kill him either, that will just make him hate you more. You will be arrested, hung by the neck till you are well and truly dead, and spend the rest of eternity in purgatory. Dante’s Inferno is not just a work of art by an Italian genius you know? Let people talk about you but only for the best reasons: Growing old single is nothing to be ashamed of, killing a man is.

In the case of another woman being responsible for the break up , you can try sending her lots of expensive presents like a dress which is ten sizes too small but not too small she starts getting ideas about getting really skinny or having babies or your bid for return to your man will be squashed on the head. It will be a blow to your life if she decided to get herself with child especially if you want to get him back.

Send her (the other woman) the best eau de pong perfume you can find. Women just love perfume and if this one is bad enough, your man will not touch her with a bargepole, at least not for a while. Victory will be achieved in the nicest possible way. It won’t be sweet smelling. Don’t however try juju “cos it will certainly backfire if Nigerian films are anything to go by and anyway a juju man”s hut must be really horrid and smelly with all those shrunken heads and amulets. Believe in God and all will be right

Dress to the nines every time you know you’ll meet him in a club or restaurant. Pay ten million cedis for a dress, a million for a hairdo and another for your shoes, then wiggle so hard your hipbone dislocates into three elements which refuse to fuse together. Are you over nineteen? Well go for broke.

The other woman will die when she sees you wearing that dress she has been saving up all her life for. She will accuse the man of being unable to afford the good things in life. She might even leave him, who knows? In that case you can return safely into his arms and let him take a mortgage on the next dress in your wardrobe.

What you should try not to do is spy on him in his home or make anonymous phone calls. He knows how you breath you know? Remember all those ecstatic moments when you thought he would love you forever? All that heavy breathing is not easily forgotten. Total recall and all that. If you call him in the middle of the night, he will know that you are desperate to have him back. The other woman will feel proud of her catch. You lose all round.

No one lives in a moment forever. It ends at one time or the other. We all have to die sometime. The best thing is to pretend that he died and went to hell if you hate him that much… heaven is only for people we really, truly love.

Well, there are a million things you can do when he leaves you; one of them is not to sit down in front of the Television binging (eating till you o.d i.e. overdose) on banku, gari or fatty foods like chocolate cookies, fudge, fried foods etc etc. You will blow up like a balloon. That is the wrong course of action; he certainly will never look your way again. You will rather be in the way. Do not bleach your skin either if you are not naturally fair…that just spells desperado. Try OK?

Or better still go to church and pray for a change in your love life. There is a man for every woman or so they say. Will he be good or will he be bad? There is every chance that you will find a way. Stop fretting, don’t bite your nails.

Crying will not help one jot. Wipe your eyes lest it becomes red and unattractive, put on some kohl and a smile and march on to the next guy. Smile… he might just be Mr. Right.

And if she leaves you …

Don’t knock the eyes of the other guy out. Life is not a boxing match unless you are a boxer. Be cool. You will get your own back one way or the other.

Women need tender love and affection and if you find yourself deficient in that area go back to school and learn some good manners…like how to wine and dine a woman; buy her flowers before you do what comes naturally and more. That is how the other guy won her. Learn your lesson.

On the other hand you can invest in a pile of porno magazines and allow your hands to do the walking. You can behave badly by going out on the town and getting drunk for a whole month. Who needs a woman anyway? …They are all the same are they not? You should know.

If women make a habit of packing their bags and leaving you, then you must know that it’s all your fault. Entirely.

You are a bad lot that’s why they invariably dump you and you are probably a woman basher or just plain wicked. Seek the help of a counselor or better still a psychologist. They won’t help if you are far gone but you can try anyway.

Try hanging her underwear on your bathroom mirror to remind yourself that she was just a woman…Frilly panties or flour sacks; A penny a dozen; Console yourself that women are vermin and look around for some mice or someone perfect or really nice, but where ?

Girls do prefer a bit of niceness in their guys you know? Change your style man! A brave man is to die for; a generous one is to be taken shopping in the most expensive district. Osu will do. Tow the line and conform to generalisations. Women love that except artists and writers. Professional women do not like tossers or do they?

If your woman (X) walked out on you because you had another catch, who was better than the last one, who was better than the last one, then you had better hold on tight. The new chick will take notes on how you can easily drop a girl…if she is wise, the new one that is, she will ensure that you marry her before you have the chance to say “I do”or she might take out a huge insurance against being dumped in the near future. If you are not the marrying kind then warn her in stages that she will also be dumped, subtly of course. Buy her a house and a car then promise to give them to her if she leaves quietly. Throw in a child or two to keep her company. That always works. That is ace that is.

If your favourite female leaves you, to save face, call her, arrange a meeting, and give her lots of excuses why your relationship did not work out. Tell her your mother has found a lady in the village for you and the family insists that she should be the one for you; that she was pledged to you from the days of your great, great, so great no one can imagine how great grandfather, who was a respectable landowner.

You can also use this excuse when your friends ask why you were dumped. Then find a village girl with hair standing on end like a demon and marry her fast before you realize she is a lemon. Give her ten children one after the other; tie her down before she becomes wise to your deception. It never fails to work in Africa even in these modern times.

If she leaves you, count yourself lucky; you can go female shopping no holds barred. Try clubbing all night but remember to take your condoms as well. Babies are lovely but AIDS is not. If there is any consolation it must be in the fact that there are more women in the world than men. In fact for every man there are about five women or more. Smile!

Being dumped does horrid things to your ego especially if you were married and in love with the wife. Get a new haircut; get some new clothes Get some elders together with lots of booze and money and chase her back to her father’s house where she will no doubt be. Get the entire family blotto drunk then drag her back home by the hair. Put her in her place you Male the Aggressor. That used to work in the days of cave men but it could still work today, who knows? But please do watch out for WAJU O. They could get Conan the Barbarian behind bars if he assaulted the Queen of Thieves or so they say. Don’t ask which Bar…certainly not Liquid.

If she leaves you do not cry, turn your back and say bye bye.

Seriously now, if she leaves you and you love her, woo her back but if you don’t, leave her alone. She’s probably just fed up; she wants to be free of who? You! who else? Find yourself another wife but remember to divorce the first one and pay alimony; avoid parsimony, or you could be hauled off to court for bigamy.

Just remember, if all else fails, that, no one gets out alive.