Challenges in Raising Children as a Divorced Father
by I try to address some of the challenges I have faced in trying to raise my children while going through the divorce process.
“You want me to move out, so you can have more space?”
It was shocking to me, that the woman I thought I would spend my whole life with suddenly wanted “space”. My son was about to turn 4 years old, and my daughter had just turned 2. Our perfect family was about to be torn in half.
That was almost 2 1/2 years ago, a rough 2 1/2 years as I transitioned from being a married father of 2 to being a divorced, part-time single parent. My children spend about half of their time with their mom, and half with me. In our state this is called shared placement, a situation that many states don’t allow. Over the last 2 years, I have faced many challenges in raising my kids as a single dad, and I have also gotten a lot of support.
Challenge #1: Mom
The fact is that most moms go into divorce believing that dad will only want to see the kids every other weekend, really wants to be single and childless, and could only want to see the kids more out of a secret desire to reduce his child support obligation. These are of course false beliefs, but ones moms cling to.
During the first 2 months that I was separated from my soon-to-be ex-wife, I lived in a studio apartment and never had the kids overnight. While I tried to spend a few hours with my kids everyday, it just didn’t feel normal at all, for me or for them. It was summer, and I would stop over, pick them up, and take them to a playground for a few hours. While it was fun for a while, it also got old, and became a routine. My kids weren’t looking forward to seeing me very much, and I wasn’t looking forward to the visits. I also dreaded the routine of checking my watch, regularly monitoring how much time I had left before I had to bring them back to mom. We rarely had mealtimes together, I never got to tuck them into bed, and over all it just wasn’t normal life.
Once I made the decision to file for divorce, I quickly worked to get a bigger apartment and some bedroom furniture for the kids. After pushing past a lot of resistance from mom, my kids had their first weekend at my place. Many things I had greatly missed were suddenly back. Saturday morning we lounged in our pajamas in the living room, sharing waffles. I let the kids play in their new bedroom for a while, then spent some time playing games with them. I made pizza for lunch, a favorite for all of us. I could go on, but the gist is we spent the entire weekend together on our terms. Most importantly, I never had to look at my watch and calculate how long until I had to shuttle them back to mom’s—we didn’t have to worry about time anymore.
Even though the schedule is much better for the kids, and they are doing much better now that they have a dad who is a meaningful part of their lives, mom is still the source of a lot of resistance. The attacks continue, in subtle ways designed to cast doubt on my ability to raise our kids. If she had her way, I would only see the kids every other weekend, and her thoughts are not atypical of other moms. For this reason, moms are typically the number one obstacle to raising kids as a single father.
In my next installment, I plan to address another challenge single dads face in raising their children.
To read part 2 of this series, click here [Challenges in Raising Children as a Divorced Father, Part 2]
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