Cheating: It Takes Two to Tango
by Blaming cheating behavior on other people or events is a cop-out that will only keep you in unhealthy, dead-end relationships. This article focuses on the real reasons people in relationships break-up: selfish choices and the people that make them.
I came across an article recently about the alleged love triangle between Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats on MediaTakeOut.com. Apparently, people are claiming that Alicia Keys is a home-wrecker because she wooed Swizz Beats away from his wife, Mashonda. The following comment came from an alleged friend of the wife: “Alicia is a home wrecker who has truly wrecked a very intact black home, destroyed a family for no reason but her own personal satisfaction, [and] contributed to another young black man growing up through a broken home [while] seeing the disrespect one black woman has for another.”
*Sigh*How many more times will we accuse a woman of destroying a “happy home” before we realize that no one can break-up a happy home without the willing participation and an invite of one of the people within that “happy home.”
The term “Home-wrecker” is nothing more than a convenient cop-out used to avoid assigning blame where it is due: on the doorstep of the man or woman who participated in committing the cheating. Good, bad or indifferent cheating is a selfish and destructive act committed by someone who isn’t thinking.
At the time they commit such an act things are either not going well, have never been good or all of the above are simply just figments of their imaginations. Whatever the reason, it took their participation and willingness for the act to get going. There was no unforeseen force that “made them do it.”
Telling yourself that a car, event, geographical location or person “made” or “encouraged” your mate to cheat is only enabling yourself to continue swimming in a river of denial that will eventually drown you. Don’t blame the tempter or temptress, blame your cheating mate.
No object, event or person can come between you and your mate without one of you inviting them in. These “home-wreckers” aren’t trolling neighborhoods, randomly trying doorknobs until they find an open one. These alleged “home-wreckers” aren’t trolling the streets, places of employment, bars or clubs yanking zippers or skirts down at random nor or they holding guns to the heads of your mate. One of you has opted to bring another party into your life for whatever reason and you are to blame for the demise of your relationship.
I am not implying that the invitee be let off the “hook” either because they will get what they have coming to them, but by focusing your anger on them, you are empowering your cheating mate.
An outsider has no obligation or responsibility to me, but my mate does. Your mate knew that they were married or committed and that they were responsible for honoring that. If they willingly participated in violating our relationship, I am going to hold them accountable not a stranger. Going out to beat up or confront the one your mate has cheated with is usually a waste of time. You cannot reason with an individual who has no integrity and has shown you that by acting in concert with a cheater. Render them powerless and invisible by totally ignoring them.
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Post CommentMick
On January 27, 2009 at 7:39 pm
True but what about the women that know you have a girl or wife and still want to be down with you. They don’t care that I’m tryin to be faithful. Then if I don’t give into they advances I’m called a punk a– bit–. Whats up with that?!
Women try to act all innocent but the truth is they love competing against another woman for they man. Even my ex feel like cause we got history I should be fine with her wanting to hit it every now and then. The world is crzy. ya’ll want us to please u in different ways. what is a man to do with so many women wanting him???
Evarista
On January 28, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Hi Mick,
Women ‘throwing” themselves at a man that they know is married or involved are only baiting you.
Their lack of respect for your situation should not be taken as a sign that you, yourself, are a hot catch (not that I’m implying you aren’t), but that they have no integrity and do not care about your situation, only their agenda.
Should you pursue them, be prepared to have anything but a meaningful relationship. Anyone that will cheat with you, will cheat on you.
If you’re taunted for not cheating, I suggest you ignore these people and be mindful where and with whom you spend your time.
Yes, some women like negative competition, but these are not the types of women you should be dating, friends with let alone in a relationship with. Tell them to go kick rocks or sign them up for an audition for the reality show ‘Bad Girls.’
Best of luck to you.
cheated on man
On April 2, 2009 at 4:56 pm
It does take two but dont you think one is more of the aggressor??
Evarista
On April 2, 2009 at 10:29 pm
@ Cheated on Man: Aggressor? You mean forcing the other to have an affair or remain in an affair? Well if that\’s the case, that is called domestic abuse and I suggest that person get law enforcement involved. Anyone \”forcing\’ you to stay in an affair by threat or coercion is committing a crime.
On a lighter note, sometimes I think people use that as an excuse to justify being in a relationship that is inappropriate, but they just can\’t bear to leave. No one can force you stay in a relationship if you do not want to be there. Thank you for commenting!