A couple decides that they are having a problem with their relationship and they go to see a counselor. They sit there and pour their hearts out for an hour, pay hundreds of dollars and the counselor says, “You need to learn to communicate.” It seems to be the common answer of counselors these days and the main topic of every “relationship” class you take. But has it become a catch all for every one to use when a situation arises that needs help?

Most difficulties do arise from the lack of communication between two parties. But the communication isn’t the amount of words you are saying to someone or the ways that you say them. Communication also includes interpretation. I recently dealt with a counselor that told me that I had a problem with communication. Immediately, being a writer, I got defensive. I know how to communicate. But as a teacher, I was a little fascinated. How was this person going to tell me that I didn’t know how to communicate? After listening for few moments I interrupted and explained to this person that I tend to explain things in different ways when I realize that the other person isn’t understanding me. I also explained that it didn’t seem to help in some situations. After I made that statement I realized what the problem was.

When we are taught to communicate we are taught to talk, of course, or portray what we want to say to someone else. We are not taught to interpret for them. Each person has their own set of tools that helps them to understand other people and it isn’t usually in your tool kit as a top priority tool. We are taught that men and women are different and that we understand things differently, but what we are not taught is that, depending on the situation and what you have preordained yourself to want to hear, that is how you will listen.

If you are taught to get defensive and stick up for yourself, which you should, then you are most likely taught to pre-listen. Which means that you already know what you want to say and how you feel about a certain topic. You don’t really hear all the words that come out of the other persons mouth. Your brain is busy thinking about what you want to get out of the disagreement and where you are going to settle. This isn’t necessarily a lack of communication, it is a lack of open mindedness. I try to teach my kids that if you want to be opinionated you need to be open minded; You never know if you are both saying the same thing two different ways unless you take the time to listen to what the other person is saying. Plus, if you want people to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Being a pre-listener is hard to change, but realizing that this is how you are is the first step to learning how to interpret what you are hearing.

The other type of non-interpreting is the pre-ordained listener. This is the type of person who has been through this type of situation before and they pre-ordain themselves to hear the outcome before it happens. Have you ever sat and thought about a conversation before it happens and predicted what the other person would say? Most people who are like this have been told the same things over and over so they expect to hear them again. A good example would be a child who is told that they are a failure. After a while of being told that, even when the child succeeds but is in second place they will still feel like a failure. They come to expect themselves to fail. The same thing can happen in relationship. It may look like a communication problem but if you did deep enough, this child who feels like a failure, grows up and pre-ordains themselves to fail. No matter how good the communication is they will find a way to sabotage it. This in itself needs counseling, but don’t let the counselor tell you that you don’t know how to communicate. If you are there to solve the problem then you are there communicating with them, whether you are using words or not.

That brings me to a good point. Communication and interpretation are not only words. They are actions and sounds too. I once dated a guy who had a real problem with relationships. He had a hard time telling people how he felt or knowing how to convey his feelings. But, when I got in the vehicle he always changed the radio station to my favorite one. When he took me out for dinner it was always Italian, my favorite. Everything was like that. He didn’t always say the right things or act the right way as far as an outward appearance. My friends didn’t like him cause they thought he treated me bad, but he never cheated on me and he knew every favorite I had right down to my favorite color. He noticed and heard, he just didn’t always speak it right or act it right. But those little things he did made me realize that he noticed and he did care. We worked on the other stuff and had a really good relationship. However, as young relationships go, we did break up, but it was distance that broke us up. He didn’t know how to convey over the distance how much he cared about me so we both let go. It was hurting both of us. We are still good friends. The point is that you need to watch not only the large things in a relationship, but the tiny things too. To tell you the truth, all those little things he did, far out weighed the large ones. One person might be saying one thing and by their actions portraying another. It can go both ways too. They may say all the right things and act bad or say all the wrong things and act good. You will need to decide for yourself which one is the biggest issue or the biggest bonus.

Communication is hard in any relationship without all the underlying interpretations and issues. The best thing to do is try to figure out how you and the other person need communicate. My mother and I are a good example of a relationship where communication is difficult. It has always been hard, we fight about everything. At times I feel like she just doesn’t want to get along with anyone. We have tried for years to find a way and finally last year I had to tell her that I was out of energy and couldn’t try anymore. She has gotten older and more forgetful and more angry because she forgets. She called me a few months ago and apologized for being so hard on me all the time and wanted to repair the relationship. We had a good talk and now she back to her old ways. I try to realize she is old and that it won’t change and I hang onto the fact that at one point she did try hard to communicate with me. That to me far out weighs the other things she has done to me in my life. Communication for us is a choice, we choose to move past the fact that we don’t always understand the other one and focus on the having each other in our lives. We accept what we have. You need to decide for yourself if it is worth it to accept what you have or change it.

There are so many different levels and types of communication that anyone could sit here and write for hours and try to help you figure out what you need, but then again, everyone is different. All the writing, all the advice and all the information in the world may not even pertain to you. You need to absorb everything that you hear and then decide for yourself what is going to work. I tell my kids all the time that every second of your life is a new one, no one has ever lived that one before, so no one can predict what to do or even have enough knowledge to be perfect at it. You just have to keep living and learning. That is what you need to do with communication. Find every tool you can and decide which ones will work for you and realize that just because if worked today, doesn’t mean it will work tomorrow. Keep living, growing and learning and as long as you do that you might make mistakes but at least you are trying. One of my favorite sayings is, “People don’t fall, they are just stumbling to who they were meant to be.” That is truly what communication is, you will stumble but you need to get back up and try again.

So, the question of the day, communication: hype or not? What do you think? The fact that your reading this means you are searching for the same answer.