Communication: Hype or Not?

A couple decides that they are having a problem with their relationship and they go to see a counselor. They sit there and pour their hearts out for an hour, pay hundreds of dollars and the counselor says, “You need to learn to communicate.” It seems to be the common answer of counselors these days and the main topic of every “relationship” class you take. But has it become a catch all for every one to use when a situation arises that needs help?

Most difficulties do arise from the lack of communication between two parties. But the communication isn’t the amount of words you are saying to someone or the ways that you say them. Communication also includes interpretation. I recently dealt with a counselor that told me that I had a problem with communication. Immediately, being a writer, I got defensive. I know how to communicate. But as a teacher, I was a little fascinated. How was this person going to tell me that I didn’t know how to communicate? After listening for few moments I interrupted and explained to this person that I tend to explain things in different ways when I realize that the other person isn’t understanding me. I also explained that it didn’t seem to help in some situations. After I made that statement I realized what the problem was.

When we are taught to communicate we are taught to talk, of course, or portray what we want to say to someone else. We are not taught to interpret for them. Each person has their own set of tools that helps them to understand other people and it isn’t usually in your tool kit as a top priority tool. We are taught that men and women are different and that we understand things differently, but what we are not taught is that, depending on the situation and what you have preordained yourself to want to hear, that is how you will listen.

If you are taught to get defensive and stick up for yourself, which you should, then you are most likely taught to pre-listen. Which means that you already know what you want to say and how you feel about a certain topic. You don’t really hear all the words that come out of the other persons mouth. Your brain is busy thinking about what you want to get out of the disagreement and where you are going to settle. This isn’t necessarily a lack of communication, it is a lack of open mindedness. I try to teach my kids that if you want to be opinionated you need to be open minded; You never know if you are both saying the same thing two different ways unless you take the time to listen to what the other person is saying. Plus, if you want people to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Being a pre-listener is hard to change, but realizing that this is how you are is the first step to learning how to interpret what you are hearing.