As humans, we are the only species to subject ourselves to the phenomenon of “dating.” The closest animal behaviour to this is probably when lemmings plunge themselves over a cliff.

Let’s consider that a man asks a lady out.

Many dates involve restaurants, and the owners of fine dining establishments are quite happy to play along. That’s why the lady’s menu doesn’t show prices. It can be awkward ordering a pricey entrée when the gentleman’s assumed to be paying. The man’s menu does show the prices so if the lady orders surf’n'turf, he’s aware of his financial investment in the evening. By the way it’s tacky to watch the lady order catch of the day at market price, then hand the menu to the waiter saying “In that case I’ll have the $12.95 spaghetti.”

On the other hand, some women don’t eat in front of dates the way they do at home. The same lady who can wolf down a can of ravioli in three spoonfuls standing over her kitchen sink may daintily cut walnut halves into quarters while eating a Waldorf salad in front of her suitor. With some food there’s also the possibility of providing an unflattering visual.

If a gal’s not coordinated, she probably won’t treat her gentleman to the vision of her twirling spaghetti onto a fork only to have it unravel at her lips and be forced to suck it into her mouth like a scene from Lady And The Tramp. She could break down and cut the pasta with her knife; that way only the wait staff would think she was a loser.

Ladies typically have no trouble knowing which cutlery to use. The most important tip is to use the shiniest knife to check teeth for reflection of food particles; the truly savvy ladies will wait till their date has left the table before doing this.

Selecting wine is a chance for the gentleman to appear worldly. The waiter will present the cork for inspection and decant a small amount for him to sample. It’s best to swirl the wine briefly, sip and then look thoughtfully at the ceiling before accepting it. All most men really need to know about wine on a date is that in small amounts it can be an aphrodisiac and in large amounts it’s birth control from passing out.

The last course is often a “special coffee” prepared at the couple’s table. It’s usually a contradiction of alcohol and caffeine with sugar thrown in for added energy. A goblet is dipped in lemon juice, then sugar and turned over open flame, causing the sugar to caramelize. It’s very sensual if you’re not distracted by the realization that hairspray is extremely flammable. Liquor is added, lit and swirled to heat the glass. Fresh coffee is then added, leaving room for a generous portion of whipped cream and powdered chocolate.

This is a very appetizing process as the couple ponders further encounters, possibly that very evening after they leave the restaurant. Theoretically the liquor loosens inhibitions and the coffee maintains awareness and resists the booze. Basically the beverage makes the next step of the evening even more difficult.

If the date was a disaster, the correct way to cut losses is to declare sleepiness immediately after leaving the restaurant and during the ride home if it was a carpooling date. When thanking the other person for a lovely time, remember nobody’s under oath. After parting for the evening, chock it up to experience – And start choosing a distant city to refer to when you send your date the “change of address” notice in the morning.