Dating Your Best Friend 3

Please be sure to read my first and second articles on this topic as well for some background, and please keep in mind it’s intended to be (mostly) funny. It will also explain why “Dating Your Best Friend” is about breaking up and beyond.

I think the fighting is getting to us, and this became evident to me the moment she said, “I think the fighting is getting to us.” Not that this was an entirely new idea to me, but before this statement I had things construed a little differently in my head. See, I figured that she wanted me to suffer, the fighting was her tool, and her crying and not sleeping well was a clever ruse. I knew the fighting was getting to me, but I didn’t know that I was not alone.

The thing about fighting, for me, is that I can’t seem to let anything go. I may settle an argument and manage to be cheery again until the next fight, but when that next fight does inevitably arrive, I just can’t come to the table fresh. Instead it’s always a “here we go again” feeling that festers within me, and I came to the table dragging 15,000 other tables behind me. I’m like a table wholesaler that keeps taking deliveries and never opens for business. And all my tables are angry.

So the fighting is getting to us. I was supposed to move out at the end of July, when she would be leaving for grad school. The ‘end of July’ was then changed to ‘sometime in July’, and then to ‘June 30.’ Recently a May 31st deadline was proposed, and then last night she said she would kick me out right then if she could afford the rent. Thank goodness for a lack of financial independence.

After the fight settled down I told her that every time we fight we succeed in making me care less about her and our friendship. I mentioned the tables and she actually laughed. From there we had a decently productive conversation about our fighting. We finally (a little late) were able to break down the algorithm by which our fights develop and bloom. This is a huge accomplishment for us, or really any couple or close friendship. And then we designated a date to have our own Geneva Convention. That’s a little grandiose, so we can call it the… Long Island Convention? That at least keeps it domestic.

So we will be writing down the Articles of Fighting, probably sometime this weekend. The basic premise is that either of us can identify a conversation as a FIGHT. Upon declaration of a FIGHT the Articles of Fighting will dictate the flow of verbal hostilities, using tactics that include, but are not limited to: 5-minute breaks, mandatory responses, and formal grievance formats. The penalty for operating contrary to the Articles of Fighting are an automatic suspension of grievance claim for 24 hours and forfeiture of the remote control.

This may seem like overkill, especially since there may only be 45 days until my departure date. By and large I would agree with you, but I’ll take what I can get. And what will I get? Well I’ll probably get a Saturday where we spend more time discussing how we can get along better instead of actually fighting. And if it works, maybe the next month and a half will be a little more pleasant. If not, maybe I can start a business selling bitch tears.