Dealing with the Painful Parts of Relationships
by Like many people I have experienced relationships that have broken apart for no expected reason, been torn at the bud, or I thought pointless perusing. In that time I have learnt a few things that you may appreciate.
Break-ups Hurt
Odds are your relationship will fall through. Nearly everyone has been there before, felt your pain, collected their tears and begged for their suffering to end, eventually you will become better at dealing with this pain without eating through all of Wall-Marts Ben and Jerry’s. “Absence from those we love is self from self – a deadly banishment. – William Shakespeare”
Your Friends Can Only Tolerate So Much
By this I don’t mean that crying to your friend is a bad thing, rather that it is a brilliant idea because it will make you feel better. However, do so in moderation… Only the best friends will not become irritated by you if you continue to wallow in a pool of self pity for months after things go wrong. As a general rule, a true best friend will be able to take 2 months while being able to respond in a purely “I’ll help you through this no matter what” fashion without passing comments behind your back. After that it’ll be very much down to the individual, and many will have given up on you by the end of the fourth month, turning into the “look alll this time you should really be looking for someone else” or “there are plenty more guys/girls in the world so let this one go and put yourself back together it’s be X months.”
Don’t Play With Fire
If someone is too easy to get and has a reputation for floating around, try not to make yourself venerable to them. You might think you’re different from the long list of people they’ve already got through, but you will almost certainly end up sat watching some cheap film with a bucket of ice cream within a month.
Don’t Deliberately Break Their Heart
At some point you are most likely going to find that you are going to want to end a relationship, or stop someone from wanting to be with you. The first thing you should do it think about how you would feel if you were in the situation of the other person. Try not to destroy them; they are likely to be in emotional agony for a good few days, weeks or even months afterwards even if you do it in whatever the nicest possible manner is.
“It’s not you, it’s me”
This is the clichéd “worst” way to end a relationship, but trust me… if they have the guts to come up to you and say that it means that they cared about you enough to do it face to face. The very worst way to get cut down is via Facebook, short email, or something else which just says “you weren’t even worth 5p to text you”.
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Post Commenthfj
On May 29, 2009 at 9:45 am
You pretty much covered every situation with this piece. Good advice, and well done.
katemagoo
On May 30, 2009 at 1:13 am
Good article
emanuele522
On January 12, 2010 at 5:32 am
nice one
Baloo
On April 20, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Pretty good.
You seem to have missed the point slightly with the “friends” section; it depends so entirely on the individuals that a generalised interdiction is fairly bad advice.
The introductory paragraph’s spot on, though, and your optimistic final note sounds a welcome reassurance. You’re right, I will.
All the best,
B
Blade619
On April 21, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Thanks for the comment, the friends section is I’ll admit a generalisation, however it’s a generalistion which I believe to be among the safest raw route to take but I agree with you… it is totally down to your friend and the relationship you have as to how it’ll go.
Blade619
On May 10, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Baloo, I don\’t know whether you will see this or not. However I decided to post this in support of my origional work. Right now I am \”involved\” closely in several relationships (my own and as a bump for my closest friends) where the presence of ex partners is causing much unneeded stress and heartache for many involved. These are relationships where some are from the perspective of the working, the strained and two from the perspective of the collapsed.
What I\’ve seen time and time again is that the reason for the collapse of the previous relationship is one which does not totally satisfy the individual being dumped, be it a weak reason or just seems very very odd. These are usually the reasons which lead to the \”let\’s still be friends\” scenarios where both individuals were friends (or more) before hand. This is because it is easy for the person who\’s doing the splitting to see how the transition can be made because they themselves ae allready on that transition… either sue to realising that it\’s not what they wanted or because they have someone they want more lined up already.
This however does not solve the problem for the person now left on their own. They\’re left getting confusing messages about how much of a part they\’re supposed to play in the other persons life now that they\’re \”friends\” (assuming they can remember what that was like). They\’re also sat wondering what the \”real\” reason for the termination of a supposedly good relationship was (if they\’re unsatisfied with the one they\’ve got). this is when they have to choose: do they respect the wishes of their ex and become nothing more than a friend… leave off the flirting and move on or do they try and fight for what they want by ignoring their ex\’s request.
If you want the summation of my experience Baloo… staying friends causes trust issues in your new relationship (if someone does that they don\’t deserve you) it causes you pain because not only does it cause a tainting of your relationship when your ex is around, but also means that you have to suffer many months of harrasment about why their replacement is fit for you. Maybe one day Baloo you\’ll have some idea as to what I\’m talking about… the unneeded pain stress which me and my girlfriend have gone through trying to deal sensitivly with her ex… the constant mental turmoil of the one left behind of whether they were left for the reason they can\’t believe or whether thta person they\’re now very friendly was waiting in the sidelines for the last x months. Maybe one day you\’ll know the confusion of not knowing where you stand in what\’s supposed to be a \”friendship\” which both of you know will have to be different from how it was before… or maybe you\’ll learn what it feels like to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship.
All the best in your futures relationships… let go of whatever\’s anchoring you to the past and move on to somewhere with possibilities.
Blade
p.s. if you (or anyone else reading this) wishes to discuss this further with me then feel free to drop me an email at blade619@googlemail.com or just reply here!