Dealing with the Painful Parts of Relationships
by Like many people I have experienced relationships that have broken apart for no expected reason, been torn at the bud, or I thought pointless perusing. In that time I have learnt a few things that you may appreciate.
Delay
More often that not delays are fatal. A delay of a week can be the difference between you having the boy/girlfriend of your dreams, or your best friend having them. Don’t rush into a relationship, but if you know it’s right for you, get in there!
“Treat others how you want to be treated”
While this effectively over laps with point 4 I would like to re-emphasise this. Don’t resent someone for how they break up with you, for they may have believed it was the best method / time. If your friend tells you that they’re going out with the girl you fancy, don’t blow your top; give them the support and encouragement they need to get them through the stage where they’ll feel awful for the pain they’re causing you. Most importantly, be there for the one that you want in the long run, if they fall apart then you stand a chance if they don’t, you can be glad that you made the person you love happy.
Learn to Cry
This is aimed at all the “men” who believe that tears are for the weak. Pain and hurt are far more destructive to the vessel they are stored in than the ways they are expressed. Tears help, they are a release more powerful than cutting or alcohol as they tell others that you need support and they make you feel better about who you are.
“I still want to be friends”
No… just no. You cannot use these six words without meaning that there is still a chance as that is how it is most commonly perceived. If you don’t want them to follow behind you believeing they still have a chance, do not use it. Along a similar lines is to try and make them break with you first. If you plan to do this get some guts! While many believe that ignoring them is the least painful method of getting them off your back it is not. You will cause them so much suffering, if you have done this recently I’d advise you go and apologise… you really should be ashamed at your lack of charisma. (That wasn’t meant to be a dig at anyone in particular, but many are damaged long term by similar techniques.)
Do Not Deny Yourself
“This above all; to thine own self be true. – William Shakespeare” I was introduced to this quote by a very good friend of mine when I was stuck between asking someone out and part of me that was saying “Is 3 years difference too many?” When I finally decided I was too late. In effect I had denied myself knowing whether or not we even stood a chance because of stupid insecurities which then forced me to deny myself what I needed.
Why did I write this? I wrote this because very recently I – falsely – believed that I stood a chance with someone. She’s absolutely fantastic, she gave me hope during a period of my life when I felt like there was nothing worth waking up for, she made me honestly believe that for four days someone who wasn’t related to me cared whether I slipped into the next world during the night. Those were an exquisite few days, and they way I found out was fine by me. Right now it feels like someone has thrust 0.1M HF (Hydrofluoric acid) into my chest which is dissolving me at a rate not too fast or too slow, but at optimum to cause suffering and with a disassociation constant which allows it to penetrate my tissues unabated. If you didn’t believe me that we all go through shit times in our lives, you should.
If you have any other bits and pieces along similar lines, please do email them to me so I can merge them into the post, or leave them in comments so others can read them. If you liked this or found it helpful please click the “like it” button and leave a comment so I can get to know my readership better!
Remember, you may feel like this…
But you will flourish again.
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Post Commenthfj
On May 29, 2009 at 9:45 am
You pretty much covered every situation with this piece. Good advice, and well done.
katemagoo
On May 30, 2009 at 1:13 am
Good article
emanuele522
On January 12, 2010 at 5:32 am
nice one
Baloo
On April 20, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Pretty good.
You seem to have missed the point slightly with the “friends” section; it depends so entirely on the individuals that a generalised interdiction is fairly bad advice.
The introductory paragraph’s spot on, though, and your optimistic final note sounds a welcome reassurance. You’re right, I will.
All the best,
B
Blade619
On April 21, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Thanks for the comment, the friends section is I’ll admit a generalisation, however it’s a generalistion which I believe to be among the safest raw route to take but I agree with you… it is totally down to your friend and the relationship you have as to how it’ll go.
Blade619
On May 10, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Baloo, I don\’t know whether you will see this or not. However I decided to post this in support of my origional work. Right now I am \”involved\” closely in several relationships (my own and as a bump for my closest friends) where the presence of ex partners is causing much unneeded stress and heartache for many involved. These are relationships where some are from the perspective of the working, the strained and two from the perspective of the collapsed.
What I\’ve seen time and time again is that the reason for the collapse of the previous relationship is one which does not totally satisfy the individual being dumped, be it a weak reason or just seems very very odd. These are usually the reasons which lead to the \”let\’s still be friends\” scenarios where both individuals were friends (or more) before hand. This is because it is easy for the person who\’s doing the splitting to see how the transition can be made because they themselves ae allready on that transition… either sue to realising that it\’s not what they wanted or because they have someone they want more lined up already.
This however does not solve the problem for the person now left on their own. They\’re left getting confusing messages about how much of a part they\’re supposed to play in the other persons life now that they\’re \”friends\” (assuming they can remember what that was like). They\’re also sat wondering what the \”real\” reason for the termination of a supposedly good relationship was (if they\’re unsatisfied with the one they\’ve got). this is when they have to choose: do they respect the wishes of their ex and become nothing more than a friend… leave off the flirting and move on or do they try and fight for what they want by ignoring their ex\’s request.
If you want the summation of my experience Baloo… staying friends causes trust issues in your new relationship (if someone does that they don\’t deserve you) it causes you pain because not only does it cause a tainting of your relationship when your ex is around, but also means that you have to suffer many months of harrasment about why their replacement is fit for you. Maybe one day Baloo you\’ll have some idea as to what I\’m talking about… the unneeded pain stress which me and my girlfriend have gone through trying to deal sensitivly with her ex… the constant mental turmoil of the one left behind of whether they were left for the reason they can\’t believe or whether thta person they\’re now very friendly was waiting in the sidelines for the last x months. Maybe one day you\’ll know the confusion of not knowing where you stand in what\’s supposed to be a \”friendship\” which both of you know will have to be different from how it was before… or maybe you\’ll learn what it feels like to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship.
All the best in your futures relationships… let go of whatever\’s anchoring you to the past and move on to somewhere with possibilities.
Blade
p.s. if you (or anyone else reading this) wishes to discuss this further with me then feel free to drop me an email at blade619@googlemail.com or just reply here!