Diary of Me: Divorced, Dating and Delirious

So, after almost 10 years of marriage and several years of unhappiness, we split up. So, here I am, a 33 year old, stay at home, single mom trying to figure out what to do with myself. What do I know about dating? It’s certainly been awhile since I was “on the scene”. You know, having to get all dolled up, having to put on a cute outfit (complete with high heeled shoes), and worst of all, having to compete with all those cute, skinny little 20-somethings with tight asses and perky boobs. Man, I’m screwed! Oh well, at least I have a good sense of humor (whatever!!). OK, so…where do I meet guys? At the clubs? Through friends? Oddly enough, the first guy I was sort-of-seeing was a friend of my sister’s. (she is now 22 and can legally go out to clubs and parties. – a.k.a. my link to the hip social scene). When I met “Joe” he was 22…and I was 32. HAHAHA!! Nice, right?!

I was the envy of all my married girlfriends! Joe was quite the guy; he was single, employed, had his own apartment, and had a body to DIE for!!! Boy did I luck out! We even had things in common! We liked the same type of music, liked to have a few drinks, liked to laugh and have a good time. It seemed pretty cool. In my heart , though, I knew things would never work. After all, I was raising 3 kids and he was having trouble housebreaking a puppy!! My life was devoted to my kids during the week, while he hung out at the bar, drinking, smoking, and playing darts. After a couple months of hanging out and hooking up, I decided that Joe just was not the guy for me. We still see each other out and about from time to time, and I am glad to say that we are friends. I will always cherish the time we spent together; all the times he passed out in the back seat of the car, all the “shots” of Dr. McG. we did together, and the laughter and randomness of it all. Though I can’t help but ask myself “now what?”

I think I’ve watched every episode of Oprah and Dr. Phil imaginable, taken every piece of advice from friends and family, watched “What Not to Wear” and that show about loving yourself naked with that Carson Queer-eye guy. Still, I don’t know what to do, where to go, how to feel about myself. I’m not as young as I once was, not as skinny, not as beautiful, at least in my own head. I’ve suffered from years of being told I was out of shape and overweight, even though I am the average size of an American woman. My self esteem has been shattered. How do I rebuild it? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure everything out.

In the meantime, I do have people to thank: my family for all their love and support, my doctor for my anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication (please pass the Prozac!!), and my kids for always being there to snuggle up with me on the couch and listen to a good book (not to mention countless hugs and kisses). Well, that’s enough for tonight. I am mighty tired and tomorrow is another busy day. I have a house to clean, laundry to wash, shoes to buy, martinis to mix, and weekend plans to make. Oh, and I’m excited for Friday, the day I get my next tattoo. I might even get my belly button pierced. One more thing accomplished before I die…cross off 14.