Divorce and Families
by It would be extremely difficult to be value neutral in dealing with divorce and custody issues that arise in my office. I am currently going through my own divorce with my soon to be ex-wife. We were married 20 years. She is a head strong, dominate woman that is extremely assertive. We also have three teenagers with autism and have gotten our own personal issues in the way the first few months which caused some confusion with the children in new rules, new place to see dad and get adjusted. We have been going to parenting counseling to figure out how to set aside our differences for the children.
It would be extremely difficult to be value neutral in dealing with divorce and custody issues that arise in my office. I am currently going through my own divorce with my soon to be ex-wife. We were married 20 years. She is a head strong, dominate woman that is extremely assertive. We also have three teenagers with autism and have gotten our own personal issues in the way the first few months which caused some confusion with the children in new rules, new place to see dad and get adjusted. We have been going to parenting counseling to figure out how to set aside our differences for the children. I think if I saw any couple that comes into my office with the similar traits and issues would bring back some of my own issues. It would be more apparent too if I saw one partner as submissive as I was over the years. However, if I took the time to get my own counseling sessions done, I may be able to resolve some of the anger that occurred during the divorce. This issues need to be addressed or I would not be an affective therapist to couples going through divorce and custody issues. When we have these unresolved issues, it is be to refer them out to someone who is better equipped to serve them better.
According to ACA Code of Ethics (2005) section A.11b Inability to Assist Clients, “If counselors determine an inability to be of professional assistance to clients, they avoid entering or continuing counseling relationships. Counselors are knowledgeable about culturally and clinically appropriate referral resources and suggest these alternatives. If clients decline the suggested referrals, counselors should discontinue the relationship.” If I could be value neutral, I will be able to grow as therapist and become a better well rounded therapist who is able to serve more people’s needs. If I could not be value neutral and fail to refer them to someone who is better equipped to serve them, I could run the risk of being reported, my reputation as a therapist will be tarnished because I lost that client’s trust.
Many emotions play on children of divorced and separated parents. Some are able to be well adjusted while some struggle coping. According to an Anonymous author (2011):
In 2003, a study by the Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine called An Exploration on the Ramifications of Divorce on Children and Adolescents, showed life-altering impact on well-being and development. Consequences of failed relationships affect more than just the adults involved. The impact is felt on almost all aspects of a child’s life, says the study, which includes parent-child relationships, emotions and behavior, psychological development and coping skills – all of which may resurface later on once faced with major life decisions such as marriage (p. 114).
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Post CommentChris Stonecipher
On January 30, 2012 at 6:16 am
I am respectfully asking my readers not to Facebook this article for the sensitivity of my kids who are on Facebook. Thank you.
jeyraul
On January 30, 2012 at 8:58 am
I agree with you. Divorce has a negative influence on kids.
Karen Gross
On January 30, 2012 at 5:09 pm
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this experience. It is so good to hear that your church is so supportive, especially the mentoring from men for your son. I have been grateful for women in my church who have befriended my daughters. It is not easy to have a disabled mother, and they need to be able to vent their frustrations.
I think that all couples would benefit from premarital counseling. I am sure that the divorce rate would go down, especially if couples who should not be together in the first place would be willing to end a bad relationship before it becomes a bad marriage and then a traumatic divorce.
Chris Stonecipher
On January 30, 2012 at 6:22 pm
@jeyraul thank you for your comment.
Chris Stonecipher
On January 30, 2012 at 6:29 pm
@Karen, I know how frustrating it is to have kids have to help us with everyday things. I am also disabled and my son has to do all the yard work and get a friend to help move the furniture into my apartment. The kids appear to be adjusting well now. They are set in a routine. Thank you so much for your support.
Debra.
On January 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm
Excellent article, Chris!
First, it is always sad when a union with or even without children come to an end.
I commend you on your strength, tenacity and love for your family and achieving your career path.
Jo Oliver
On February 1, 2012 at 2:02 am
Chris,
I truly hate to hear that you and your family are going through such a difficult, confusing, and emotionally trying time. Keep your faith close and you’ll be shown the way, whether that be going separate ways or trying to reconcile.
I couldn’t agree with you more in your assessment. While I’ve never experienced divorce firsthand, I have had friends and extended family go through it, and the effects are indeed largely a result of how the parents behave and how deep they’ve set roots in the community, church, and inner social circles. If the parents have given the child(ren) a foundation for faith, love, and strength, then the family will continue to thrive, albeit in two different households.
As to your own ethics in not being a neutral professional body, only you know if you can be neutral in your work. But for some book to tell you that you may have a problem, I don’t agree. We’re all, therapists and councilors included, just human and will have constantly have some type of conflict in our lives that COULD present conflicting interests. So, you be the judge of whether or not you feel that you can be neutral.
Love ya my dear friend!
Tulan
On February 1, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Divorce is difficult on the whole family,and it’s a life changing experience. I believe that it sometimes helps the children, especially if the parents have blow ups in front of the them, even if parents are in good control, children are smart. they know what’s going on with the parents. It effects them even if they don’t say so. The households and children might be happier with the divorce
Chris Stonecipher
On February 9, 2012 at 1:59 am
Debra,
Thank you for your kind words.
Chris Stonecipher
On February 9, 2012 at 2:01 am
Jo, you have been such a dear friend to me the last several years. I think you from the bottom of my heart for your support and kind prayers. I love ya too my friend. Bless you, Chris
Chris Stonecipher
On February 9, 2012 at 2:03 am
@Tulan, yes this process has seen progress as my children are now set in their routine and my ex and I are on quite civil terms. No arguing or fighting anymore. This is no more reason for that and the children feel at peace.
CA Johnson
On February 13, 2012 at 7:12 pm
I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. I am glad to hear that your children are adjusting and that you and your ex are able to be civil with each other. Divorce is tough to deal with. Thanks for sharing.